Living with transition; Why I refuse to give up

So what in the world have I made of all this? How haven’t I given up, or thrown it all away? Why haven’t I cursed God, or stopped believing He is good, ALL the time when my circumstances suck?

I wish I could tell you I once knew this famous, inspirational person who gave me some good advice about how to hold on to your faith. Or that my family is strong in the Lord and can offer me counsel or money. Or even that at least I’m married and have emotional, physical and financial support from my spouse. But I don’t have any of that. What I do have is an intimate relationship with my Savior, and the Bible—the only two things I need to survive this life on Earth. I've built my new life on the foundation of God's Word and His love. If I didn’t have Jesus, I would have been dead years ago, and that is no lie or exaggeration.

There is no real answer that tells us how to live our individual lives on Earth. We don't know what will happen tomorrow, today, or even in the next five minutes. We don't know where we'll end up living, who we'll marry, how many kids we'll have, or how we'll change the world. But God tells us to love Him, love people and enjoy the life He died so we could have. He promises to lead and guide us into the destiny He has for us; our job is to seek him for for who He is and for answers about life. It is the glory of God to reveal a matter; the glory of kings to search it out (Proverbs 25:2). Certainly we are taught the principles of living healthy and under God’s design as His beloved children, and we have plenty of Kingdom wisdom available to make the right decisions, but there isn’t always a direct answer written down for us for the unexpected in our lives; we need to access and exercise love and wisdom from heaven.

So when jobs are lost, homes are foreclosed or lost, family dies, education is suspended, money is gone, and sickness arises, it’s time to step up action in the Kingdom of God. The key is to fix your eyes on Jesus, not your circumstances. We have been given authority in the spirit realm to take hold of that which Christ has taken hold of us. Direction, hope, deliverance, security and health are accessible through Jesus, but there must be expectancy to receive it. We can’t expect God to do everything for us; we play a major part in His plan by responding to Him. Jesus said, “Ask and you shall receive, Seek, and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened for you.”

This is a very important time in my life where I can choose to embrace what God is doing and how He is moving, or I can choose to reject Him because my life doesn’t look like I want it to right now. I first need to understand that my situation isn’t about me; it’s about what God is doing in and through me through these circumstances. I am being shaped, formed and fashioned for a greater purpose, and if I didn’t experience this kind of faith testing right now, who says I won’t give up next time something like this comes along? God knows what He’s doing; why do you think Jesus talked about the importance of exercising your faith? So you will be able to stand firm when the tides come crashing in!

The Bible says everyone is given a deposit of faith; I believe to exercise and shape for current AND later situations in life. All I am doing right now is choosing to use my mustard seed of faith to move the mountains that are before me. Along with believing and praying in faith, I declare the goodness and greatness of God; His faithfulness; His grace; His compassion, His provision for His people and the rest of the wonderful attributes He has. Praising Him reminds me how good He truly is, and it builds my faith. Having His love outweighs any bad circumstance or situation in my earthly life. The more faith I have, the easier change becomes because I trust that my God has my best interest in mind and has a better plan and purpose than the plan that was only for a season.

This is precisely where I believe God tests our willingness to hang on to Him when life falls apart. We have a free will to exercise; we can either choose God in the good AND the bad, or we can reject the bad instead of embrace it. Let me suggest if you choose only the good, you're not allowing God's best to happen in and through you. Why should all the growth God has developed in me through the "bad" be canceled because my circumstances aren't where I think they should be? That's rejecting God's hand in me as much as turning my back on Him during hard times is. I don't want to even TOUCH what God has done in and through me--it's too absolutely beautiful and valuable, and that's His to mess with, not mine.

I believe one of the keys to hanging on and fighting the good fight of faith is knowing God's character. You have to be CERTAIN that He's for you, not against you. He’s proven over and over in His Word and through His people that He is faithful to those who wholeheartedly belong to Him. Because I know Him and His heart, I know He would never leave me or forsake me—He promised. So because I know and trust Him, I know He won’t leave me hanging in the dust; there MUST be another plan for my life lined up for this next season.

It all comes down to this: All my help comes from Him. The Bible promises that, and that’s what I believe. I love Jesus, and Jesus loves me. He would never pull me out of a season without having a fresh, beautiful season awaiting me. That’s the joy of pressing on to win the prize—more intimacy with Jesus, and having what He wants you to have. Circumstances are just that, circumstances. They don’t define my life; God does. He is my rock, my refuge, & my shelter—my place of safety. He keeps me from falling apart, so I choose to see my life through eternal eyes, not earthly ones. No matter how hard it is to hang on, I’ll never let go. You shouldn’t either.

Living with transition Continued...

(at the ranch playing "Miss Kitty" in the Virginia City skit for the girl scouts..having fun yelling at your "sheriff" boyfriend is a soothing way to get your mind off of life for a while haha)

I got back to the beach on Wednesday afternoon, unloaded my things and immediately got to work packing up my room and apartment. I spent Thursday and Friday running around looking for boxes, packing, checking out apartments, applying for more jobs and spending a few hours signing up with a temp agency since I hadn’t heard from ANY companies interested in an interview in three weeks. I’m not a big fan of temp agencies, but I was desperate. By Saturday I was completely exhausted from the past few weeks, all the travel, and my mind and heart just needed a rest, so I took my Sabbath on Saturday. Thankfully, it was beautiful outside, so I relaxed at the beach for a few hours, then had dinner and watched a movie with Jenna. I love the Lord for commanding us to REST!

Monday morning came sooner than I thought, and I was back at the ranch, thankfully!
I feel so free to be me out there. There’s something about doing what you love and being who you are that makes you enjoy creation in a whole new light. I find myself worshipping God more at the ranch than I ever thought I could while working. Basically, I was relieved to be back. When Taylor saw me, she ran up to me and gave me the biggest, longest hug ever. It’s amazing how a hug from a 14 year old young woman can change your world in an instant. She’s so special to me. Then Tim (my amazing boss) gave me the biggest hug ever, encouraged me so much and told me how much he and everyone at the ranch missed and loved me. I cried… it’s melting to know how much I’m loved and don’t even realize it. I needed hugs and love so much by the time I got there—God used my family at the ranch to console me more than THEY even realize. I felt Jesus wrap His arms around me each time someone gave me a hug, and that’s why I couldn’t help but cry. It felt so good.

It wasn’t long, though, before I ran into some more obstacles. When I’d get home and cleaned up, ready to start my night of job hunting, apartment searching, and packing, more opportunities for me to stop believing and give up snuck up faster than I could blink my eyes. My keyboard for my laptop hadn’t come yet, so I was running back and forth to the library to check my e-mail and research jobs and apartments. I’d get there and realize I forgot something at home, or left a phone number or e-mail address at home that I needed, or completely left the apartment guide on my desk, or my phone in my car… whatever it was, it was something. And something that led me to more frustration. I can’t tell you how many times I had to sit in my chair at the library, take a deep breath and close my eyes, replaying scripture in my mind so I didn’t go crazy. Part of me wanted to stand up and scream swear words so loud, but I clenched my teeth, and chose better words instead ;)

I think all of this is taking more of a toll on my body than I realize. I woke up around 2:30am the other night throwing up, with intense stomach pain and weakness all over my body. I didn’t end up falling asleep until after 6am. Usually, I’m up at 5:45am getting ready to leave for the ranch, so I had to text in and let them know I wouldn’t be in until later in the morning. When I woke up, I was still extremely queasy, but went anyway. I made it through two trail rides, then had to just stop. It was uncomfortable to even walk; my stomach was all over the place. Vicki told me I needed a day off, so she sent me home to rest. There’s no doubt I need rest, but I’m loosing money that I need by not being at work. That’s a bummer… Food hasn’t been my friend for a few days now, although thankfully sleep has. Water, light sugared juice and crackers are all I can keep down. I figured I could go in today, but I’m still only feeling about 60%, so I took another day to rest. During the night I couldn’t sleep, I did something I probably shouldn’t have done being as vulnerable as I was in that moment; I went to webmd.com and typed my problem and symptoms and came across something that freaked me out—a parasite that is caused from drinking contaminated water in another country (which I did, unknowingly). The doctor said I needed to be checked right away, but by the time I got home to check my e-mail, I found out that my health insurance expired on the 14th, and since I’m not a student anymore I can’t re-apply for the student health insurance. So, I can’t go to the doctor because I don’t even have money on my credit card to charge for an appointment and medication. (can’t get another credit card because they need proof of full time work for a year) I’m without insurance until I get a full-time job with benefits… which also means I can no longer get my monthly prescriptions. Another extreme frustration that I just had to leave in the hands of Jesus.

Then, a day later, I got an e-mail saying I owed the University almost $3,000. Long story short, the manager in the housing office apparently didn’t know the agreement that was made for me to leave student housing by September 1st, since I wasn’t taking classes and was planning to move, and expected me to stay and pay rent until December 1st, when the lease ends. As it stands, since I’m breaking the lease, and no one ran my situation by her, I am supposed to stay in the Commons to pay rent until December 1st… even though I found an apartment, put down the security deposit & application fee, and planned to sign my new lease and start moving things over this weekend. There is no way I can afford to take care of rent for two places, (it’s hard enough for a 1BR apartment around here), so I’m just waiting to hear back from her. This is yet another situation that I need Jesus to resolve. He will, though; it’s just a matter of time.

So, here I am. And all I can do is continue trusting God. I’m comforted by tons of others I know who are experiencing transition right now, too, but at the end of the day all I can do is believe, and remember that God is in control.

He’s the Creator of the UNIVERSE, He can certainly take care of me and my circumstances. As the Africans say, praise Jesu!

Living with transition

Soooo... did I ever mention that "transition" is my middle name?

There have been so many wonderful changes in my life that have brought me so close to my Father's heart, that I can't help but do anything but offer thanks and surrender to that "fearful" future with a fearless faith. Here's the latest season of transition...

Months ago the Lord began pressing my heart about working. When I came to Regent, I was set against working AT ALL because my grades inevitably drop so much doing school and work together. (being a perfectionist about my grades doesn't help much) I basically boxed the Lord in a corner and said, "I'm willingly going to Virginia Beach and will study and Regent, but I will NOT work and put myself through this stress again, so you just need to find a way to provide for me, cause I will not work again until I finish this degree at full-time status that I've been busting my butt for over the past 4 years". I can't help but laugh because no sooner than 8-9 months later He shifted my perspective completely and gave me a desire to work full-time again. Not only that, I was actually okay with going part-time or taking another year off. I remember being like, "uhh... God, what are you doing and what in the world is ahead, because this is SO not me!"

But, you have to know, I absolutely HATE debt. I have one credit card, and I HATE using it; it’s for emergencies ONLY. And with the student health insurance that only covers 80% (which was a blessing because I had no other way to have health insurance), and all of my health issues this year, I racked up tons of medical bills that I had to charge because I didn’t have the money to pay for them. Then, I went to Africa for a missions trip and had to unexpectedly dish out about $1,500 out of pocket at the last minute, so my card is at a much higher debt amount than I EVER expected or wanted it to be. So right now, I’m OVERLY happy to be able to work and pay it off, and to try and pay off some of my school debt… so I can get more of that to finish my Bachelor’s degree haha. But seriously, I also believe the Lord doesn't want me to enter marriage with loads of debt. So, all of this is good. And I mean, GOOD.

The Lord also reminded me that I'm not in Virginia Beach only to be a student at Regent. I'm here as a testimony to having the young adult friends in my life I prayed two years for, ministry opportunities, the leadership I've been stepping into in church, the ranch that God used to fulfill my dream of riding horses, along with a few other life impacting reasons. I've been sensing that He has more in store for me in this upcoming year; so much more that I couldn't take part in all of the treasures of heaven if I was in school this year. So, to say the least, I've been prepared for transition towards the end of 2008.

Here’s context of what I was dealing with before I got the news of my Gram's death…

Since I’m not taking classes this year, I can’t stay in on-campus housing (didn’t want to, anyway). I filled out a vacate notice and needed to be out by September 1st. Since I felt God leading me to be alone for another short season, I needed to find an apartment. Since I’m living on my own, I needed a full-time job to pay rent and bills. At this point, I’d applied for about 12 different jobs in the past two weeks with no response. My hope was to work full-time at Regent (because I LOVE this University), CBN or Founders Inn so I could get tuition reimbursement and go back to school next year (unless God brings a miracle, that’s the only thing that’s going to pay for the rest of my schooling). I was getting frustrated because the jobs that are going to pay for my expenses to live alone in this area all require a Bachelor’s degree… and I’m like, “uhh, I’m trying to get there! I’m 23 and I’ve only been working on my Bachelor’s for the past five years…” So, I was getting discouraged thinking I’m going to get a low paying job that won’t cover all my monthly expenses, and that I’ll continue this 5-yr cycle of not being able to finish my degree because I don’t have the money… I finally just got to the point where I’m like “Lord, will I EVER get a break?!” I started feeling much like those righteous people who suffer and watch the wicked prosper that the Bible talks to much about. Thankfully, it reminded me that those wicked people who prosper financially are chasing the wind because in the end, none of it matters because they won’t spend eternity with Jesus. At least I was comforted knowing that my Savior is walking through this with me and because I know Him He will provide for my needs, some way, some how.

So, at this point, I was getting a little concerned because I had less than a month to get a full time job and find a place to live. But I’m working full-time at the ranch until the last week of August (when camp season ends) b/c I needed SOME kind of income to hold me over until I get a job, so I only have the evenings to do all of my job and apartment hunting, along with packing up my current apartment. So, the weariness and frustrations were kicking in big time.

Then, Tuesday night, August 5th my dad called me crying and told me my Gram died. She had Parkinson’s, and was progressively getting worse this past year. Her death was somewhat expected, but I guess I never thought it would happen this soon. She was only 78. After Dad and I hung up, I was frozen for 15 minutes. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, and had no idea where I was (it’s a good thing I was in my room near my chair). This is the first death in my family I’ve ever experienced, so I’m still processing this death thing. I kept replaying the intimate conversations I’ve had with my Gram this past year, about life, the Lord, the future, etc. To give you an idea of how close she and I grew over the past few years, this past Christmas, when she was still bed-ridden at home, she asked me tons of questions about the Lord and was very complacent about the fact that she didn’t understand why she was suffering and God was okay with it. (She went to church all her life, read her Bible every day, and was developing a much closer relationship with God her last few years) We talked about all of it for a good hour and a half, and then I prayed with her. She kept telling me how inspired by me she is, and how proud of me she is. She never forgot to tell me how much she loved me—that I’d never had a clue how much she loves me—and just how darn proud of me she’s always been. I never walked away from her questioning my value to her, and it made me feel so good. And she was so excited I went to college, and always told me she prayed she’d make it to see my graduation. When that day comes one day, you'll understand why the tears will be flowing.

The Holy Spirit told me immediately my Dad needed me (he is single and lives alone, although my grampa lives across the street), so I packed up right away and drove the 8 hours home to PA the following morning. After I packed the car and got ready to leave in the morning, I prayed for my trip home, that I’d have the strength to make the drive alone without breaking down while driving (that could be dangerous). I had a few tears shed, but nothing that kept me from driving safely. So I got home, and um the Holy Spirit was right; Daddy was a mess, and he had to make all the funeral arrangements. I didn’t leave his side the entire time. We scheduled the viewing/funeral arrangements together, went to pick out flowers from the entire family, scheduled the funeral meal, and found places to house family from out of state. It was one of the hardest and busiest times of my life. I lost a lot of physical and emotional energy fast, along with more money I didn’t have (there wasn’t enough to cover all of the flower/food/housing expenses) , and was still concerned about and praying for my other circumstances in Virginia Beach. But my main prayer was to have supernatural strength to be there for my unsaved family, (while grieving myself) and to have opportunity to share God’s love with the rest of the family. They needed Jesus and me, and I was going to do whatever it took to be there for them. By far, in much abundance, my prayer was answered. While it was difficult week, I felt the prayers of many for me and my family, and I watched God weeding out unbelief in my family—about eternity, Jesus, and the entire Christian life. I had the opportunity to answer many questions my family asked about God and life, and shared the Gospel with them. What a privilege… Gram would have loved to know that God brought good out of her death.

Inbetween all the arrangements for Gram’s funeral, I was applying for full-time jobs online. Since I didn’t have time to do it before I left, I brought my laptop to transport my resume to my flash drive so I could send it online on my mom’s computer. Right after I turned to put the flash drive in her computer, her dog jumped on my computer and busted the entire keyboard. Keys were flying everywhere and tons of little pieces were missing. I’m not one to freak out in situations like that, and I didn’t, but that was just the icing on the cake… the last thing I needed while the rest of my life was all out of order… Mom and I picked up all the pieces, I took it to a computer wizard my dad knows, who told me my laptop was fine but I needed to purchase a new keyboard for it. By now, you have to understand I was really beginning to feel like Job, like everything I had was being taken from me (even though I knew there was another plan. I’d never experienced THIS much material and physical loss at one time so I was extremely overwhelmed) so I remember thinking “Great, one more thing to add to the list. More money I need to dish out that I don’t have…” In the end, this has all taught me a great lesson (more on that later), but in the moment I just had it. I was over it. I was beyond ready for God to come through any day…

It doesn’t help that my heart always breaks for the lack of finances in my family. It’s a struggle for them to even eat, let alone pay the mortgage and for gas to get to work. They don’t get to enjoy the things I have as a woman, like getting our hair done every once in a while, getting a manicure, or enjoying a nice meal at a restaurant. So every time I go back, I find myself pouring out what I have just to let them enjoy life a little, and get their minds off of the financial burdens. It kills me to see them struggle so much, especially when both my parents are disabled, and don’t receive enough money from the state to cover their needs. Living in a 2 stop light town doesn't give you much opportunity to make decent money, and it's hard to pick up and move without money... So when something as huge as a death in the family occurs, the financial necessity to cover burial/funeral arrangements takes a toll even more. This is only the beginning of their financial hardships though; there has been a financial curse on my entire family for generations that needs to be broken, so I’ve been interceding in prayer. Now I just wait to see God work the details out. He’ll do it, but I know He’s pressing them to BELIEVE He can and will do it. They have a part in God's plan, too.

So, after going through Gram’s house and cleaning it all out, Grampa told my sister and I that Gram had boxed up tons of her things for us to split evenly. It was exhausting and emotionally draining going through all of her stuff in a few days and packing it up, but it really was a blessing in disquise. I inherited brand new queen size bedding (I have a queen bed) with expensive pillows, brand new towels, all of her pans and dishes (she was an amazing cook and baker), clothes, cosmetics, soaps, lotions, etc., even cute flannels that fit me perfectly that I can wear in the winter at the ranch. I came back to Virginia Beach with a car packed full of stuff, and that’s only the first load. Of course, since I started packing my apartment in preparation to move, I have boxes stacked up in my room already, so when I brought her things in, it left me with a nice little path to my bed ;)

Well, that’s the story of my life in the past two weeks… to those of you who said God laid me on your heart, I think now you understand why ;)
More on the exciting journey ahead…

Another wild night at church

Wow. I just got back from an extraordinary night service in church. Gordon Robertson gave an excellent word on developing intimacy with Christ--my FAVORITE topic of choice! (and the one I believe I, myself, will be speaking about one day) It's the foundation for which the rest of our lives are built. Without seeking the face of Christ so we can feel the heart of Christ, our lives are not being lived in the fullness of their capacity. Don't know about you, but I sure want to walk in the destiny God has for me, so let the seeking continue!

We finished the night with a fire tunnel and more worship--ah, too good for MY own good ;) A fire tunnel is an avenue to receive and experience the power of God through the Holy Spirit. Everyone lines up in two lines facing each other and one person from one line walks down through the center (the next person follows, and so on until everyone gets prayed over), to the end of the 'tunnel', while having hands layed on hima nd being prayed over by everyone in both lines for the infilling of the Holy Spirit. Fire tunnels are so much stinkin' fun to me haha I love getting drunk in the Holy Spirit! Don't be fooled, though, this isn't some "funky thing Christians do", it is POWERFUL! The Bible says ask and you shall receive. So, we ask for the manifestations of the Holy Spirit and we get them. As we fall to the ground, jump up and down, cry, or yell praises to our King... ;) Ha, who needs alcohol to have fun, anyway?! God's way of getting drunk is much cheaper, much more fun, and approved by Him ;)

I had my Facebook opened when I got home, and a friend from church messaged me. He's on staff at the church, and we've only met offically once or twice, but apparently he's heard things about me and the Holy Spirit has revealed some things to Him about me. I could hardly believe what I was hearing! He saw me sitting in the church while the rest of the people went through the fire tunnel and said he was surpised I wasn't in there praying for people since I'm so wired and built for ministry. (Gordon said we could either soak--sit in your chair or lay on the floor and spend some sweet time with Jesus--or get wild in the Spirit, and I, unusually, chose soaking tonight instead of getting wild in the Spirit and was just feeling like laying down and allowing God to speak... but of course the church picked getting wild and crazy, so I just stayed where I was, worshipping and praying in the Spirit... if it weren't for my desire to soak, I'da totally been up there getting funky drunk in the Holy Spirit haha) I told him Pastor Dan's sermon hit me a little hard this morning (about SLOWING DOWN and resting) and I was overtired so I just wanted to soak. He went on to share how I am built for ministry; my authenticity and transparency reaches others; and even my outgoing, fun personality inspires and encourages him. Again, I barely know this new friend of mine, so everything he sees in me is only a distant observation.

August is the month of prayer at our church, so there are several opportunities to pray, listen to speakers, connect with God and just recharge my spirit. I participate because I love Jesus with all my heart, love worshipping with my church family and other believers, and especially during this time of transition (more on that in the next day or two) in my life I need to continue building my faith in prayer. I cannot tell you how encouraged I was to hear my friend say those words about me. It set me off in another praisefest that got my eyes off of my current situation--I needed to hear it! (don't tell me God's timing isn't everything) My prayer since day ONE of being a mirror image of Jesus is being answered day by day. Everything my friend said reinforces the fact that I am where I am for a reason and a season. And, that others really are watching us and will likely imitate us (children, too), especially when we don't have the slightest clue they're interested in our lives. I refuse to let anyone look down on me because I'm young--I want to set an example for the believers in faith, speech, life, love and purity ( 1 Timothy 4:12) Again and again, Thank-You Jesus for the power of Your transformation!

What are you waiting for?!

So, it's a quarter after 10, I'm still in my barn clothes and I just got off the floor from yet another cryfest of thanksgiving with my Lord...

You want to understand the term 'abundance', all you need to do is seek the face of Christ. Ha, knowing and seeing Him is enough to experience the abundance Jesus died so you could have! I have experienced so many GOOD things and abundance from my Father today that it almost doesn't even seem real... but I know it is :)

My day started with a phone call from a friend while I was at work. We talked, and came to find out that we had been having extremely similiar dreams and believe God is speaking powerfully to both of us. That alone, along with the fact that my dreams have been so REAL (I wake up thinking the same things I experienced in my dreams are actually happening-- the dreams are THAT clear and THAT real) and that I had a "protective" dream the night before I had a pretty freaky "warning" dream, made me recognize again how close the God of the universe is to me and how much He wants me to remember that He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.

About an hour later, during my first class in theory, I shared the second part of my testimony to my girls. I told them about how God healed me of an incurable disease and high-grade pre-cancerous cells because I chose to wake up hours before my start time at work to pray for my healing. Apparently our talk about prayer touched one of the girls so powerfully that about 10 minutes later when we started talking about horse stuff, I saw her with her eyes closed, holding a girls hand and praying for her silently. Come to find out, she was praying for the other girl who she just accidently hurt by rolling on her foot with the chair she was sitting in. All of a sudden, the girl who was hurt yelled out really loud (and quite shocked and amazed) that the pain went completely away while the girl was praying for her. They started praising God and I encouraged the rest of the class to do the same. We had a mini praisefest before we went back to learning about horses!

Then, later in the afternoon, I get a pleasant surprise after being called into my boss' office... I have been helping teach and assist Western riding lessons at the ranch for a while now, and I received a plaque and became 'certified' as an Instructor to teach. To those of you who don't know my riding history, talk with me haha this is an incredible honor and privlege for me! God has brought me so far so fast. I have always dreamed of riding and owning a horse, but I never thought I'd have the privlege of teaching kids about horses... at least not this fast ;)

Then... as I was waiting to ride again halfway through our drill team routine for the showdeo I looked up at my girls who were cheering (more like yelling) for me. In the far back I saw the same girl from my first class who prayed for the girl with the sore foot praying for all of the girls around her. She took both of their hands and prayed for each of them. I was so incredibly joyful to see that, and was so proud of her for stepping out in faithful prayer! It reinforced the fact that people can be touched in unknown ways by YOUR personal testimony (which you ALL have, by the way) if you are faithful to share what God has done in your life. I could hardly believe that it only took a 5 minute story about prayer to plant a seed in this young girl that is already affecting around 15 other girls. I was deeply encouraged by God's work in my students! Some other revelations came to me throughout the day and some other things happened in my heart that I can't share, but know that I am way beyond praising God for these revelations and His promises being fulfilled...

Oh wait, there's more! I have been thinking a lot these past two days about how I want to study more horse breeds, many that we don't have at the ranch, and actually get to see and ride them, but I didn't have a clue where to start other than books. Well, I get home to read an e-mail from my aunt who wants me to drive to Kentucky with her to help with my cousin's huge horse breed show on her ranch in early September... WHAT, God?!?!?! Are you KIDDING me?!

And one more... I still can't get over this one... Long story short- God has called me to intercede for the people of Rwanda, Africa, specifically Kigali. The survivors of the 1994 genocide are the target people in my heart. I've been praying for two years and have been trusting God would somehow make a way for me to serve the people I've been praying so long for. A few weeks ago I found out that my cousin and her husband moved to Kigali, Rwanda because he accepted a position as an Advisor for their government... they are doing ministry there for another year and a half! I just had a meeting with my friend and new pastor last night who is doing everything in his power to help train me for another short term missions trip, hopefully a little longer than my recent trip to Zambia. I just got an e-mail today from a previous full-time missionary in our church who wants to get together with me and talk about how to prepare me and get me to Rwanda to spread the gospel... Please, God, tell me You're joking?!?!?!?!

Understand that my thanksgiving and praises are not just for what God has done--I am celebrating WHO He is. If you know Jesus Christ intimately you KNOW that He loves to leave you in awe of Him. He smiles as you thank and praise Him for the undeserved and unexpected blessings He pours on you from Heaven. The verse that says "He rewards those who seek Him" isn't a verse to read and quickly move on from, it has been written for you to EXPERIENCE! None of this should cause me to only celebrate His blessings, though. It should also lead me to remember the Author of those blessings and offer my praises and thanksgiving to Him for who He is.

... People... do not even dare tell me that God doesn't fulfill your most intimate dreams and desires. Do not tell me He doesn't give in abundance. Do not tell me that you do not have the authority to heal the sick, cleanse the lepors, and cast out demons--a 10 year old girl in my class with Jesus in her heart can, and so can you! All it takes to experience God's best for your life is that you seek His righteousness and share His love. You can't possibly IMAGINE the power of the seed you plant in a 5 minute testimony or conversation with someone. If you reach ONE person in your entire life by sharing one of your testimonies, I tell you, IT IS WORTH IT, because it's worth it to God.You have been given the keys of authority by Jesus Himself! The prayer of a righteous man is both powerful and effective, and whether you want to believe it or not, YOU have a life-changing testimony that can inspire others to draw closer to Jesus. Keep praying, keep using what God has given you to do what God has told you to do, and SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH PEOPLE! What are you waiting for?!?!?!

Yearning...

Here I am... finally at home after nearly 20 days out of the country, in my room, still packed, with loads of unopened mail on my desk and an unending list of things to do by the time I return to work on Monday...

...yet here I am, frozen...weak... trembling... unable to stop thinking about the precious little ones in Africa who have yet to experience the Father's love through people, the very ones who wouldn't release their grip on me because they desperately wanted to feel loved, and the ones with despairing faces I had to pass along the way... ...here I am, wounded... wounded that I'm no longer there fulfilling the mission Jesus created me to fulfill... bleeding with an unsatisfied eagerness to go back and give everything I have to give...

I thought about it the entire three days of travel back home, and I have decided that I am willing to give up everything I have, and everything I love to go back and give myself. I don't care that I just bought new hiking and camping equipment. I don't care that I have a new bike, my old rollerblades and tennis racket, my softballs, or even my boots and hat. I don't even care right now that my dreams are being fulfilled--I just want to be and share God's love with people who are so desperate for it and might not know yet how to recieve it. I want to be and share His love with those who don't even know Him...

All of the materialistic things I own have served to bring pleasure to my soul on many occasions, but with both hands on the Bible and with all the truth I have in me, I swear I would sacrifice all of it to love those African people who need love... the need is too great to overlook, it's much too great to set aside for another time... TODAY is the day for salvation!!!

I count it all a loss, considered to the surpassing knowledge of knowing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and I count it all a loss to knowing that I can be the hands and feet of the Man who radically transformed me to God's beloved bride in Africa.I've never felt so effective in God's Kingdom than I did when I was simply spending time with those beautiful people. To run and play games with them outside, to sing with them, experience their laughter, and watch them respond to God's love through me and our team was more fulfilling than anything I've ever experienced. To come back to my everyday life in America, with all of my everday things, with my everyday routine somewhat discusts me. While I know God has uniquely placed me exactly where I am in Virginia Beach, with a divine mission and purpose, I can't help but want to be in the field where the harvest seems most ripe... being here almost makes me feel selfish and useless, even though I know I'm being used by Him here... I feel dirty to be clean... I want to run around in the dirt with the kids... I want to bathe out of buckets like I did with them... I want to not be concerned so much with my appearance, but know that my sole purpose for being on Earth and being a mirror image of Jesus is all that concerns me... here, too many distractions will soon likely cause me to slip from fire to a lit match, and I fear I may allow the rekindled fire in me to burn out.

My heart has been ripped apart for others in a way I never thought possible. I NEVER thought I would be able to say I would give it all up... but I've beyond reached that point. People are more important than things. Relationships are more important than enjoying a weekend rock climbing and camping. Giving truly is more valuable than receiving. All of it is more valuable than my own selfish desires.I want to pour everything I have into these precious people, and others. I don't even care to be fed by anything of my own desire--I will leave that to Christ Himself. I am willing to be worked until exhaustion, dirty and smelly if it means I've given myself and Christ, live in conditions unfavorable to the average American, sleep in the cold with bugs and animals, and even eat food I don't like for the sake of loving and ministering to others.

There's been a paradigm shift in my heart and mind that I simply cannot explain. As a daughter of the King, I joyfully choose to be a vessel for Jesus in America, but I YEARN to be in Africa. I have been given a tremendous piece of God's heart that will never leave mine. When He took me there He didn't just show me what needed to be done, He allowed me to feel His heart, and all that's in it. His beautiful and wonderful creation doesn't stop in America. It doesn't stop in Canada, South America, or Israel. It doesn't even stop in Africa. His loving hand is reaching for EVERY person on the face of this Earth whom He has fashioned to be in relationship with, and I have the privlege of sharing His extention of love to the Africans. You may be burdened with another area of God's heart, but whatever and wherever it is, I urge you to allow your entire perspective to be interrupted by God. Open yourself up to the possibility of being the person you've always wanted to be, for Him. You, like me, need to be disrupted.

Disgusted

{I first want to honor two especially amazing, godly men in my life who have touched me beyond belief and have shown me what it really means to be a man of God whose heart is fully set on knowing and loving Him. It's truly the gospel for everything you do to flow out of your relationship with Him and both of you guys demonstrate the heart of God in loving others, and honoring the women in your life. I've seen the little things AND the big things you've done to serve and honor me; they will never be forgotten. David and Jonathan-- I simply adore you, and thank God for you and your example to the world...

}Okay, time to vent. You probably won’t like it, and you’ll probably think I’m out of line and harsh, but suck it up and read anyway… :]

For weeks now I have watched men hunt gorgeous women like wild dogs hunt for meat. They desperately search for any sign of inner fulfillment that looks pleasing to the human eye. It doesn’t matter what the inside looks like, as long as the outside is good looking, tastes good and is able to satisfy his temporary hunger it’s a winner.

I am utterly disgusted by men who run after women only because of beauty. It makes me squirm to think that their only motive is to get closer to a woman because her face is that of a beauty queen, her body is model material and her long locks blow in the wind like Tyra’s does in her modeling session for Vogue. There’s nothing wrong with being attractive, in fact it’s a wonderful gift, but when those looks are taken out of context regularly with inappropriate comments from men who repeat them the same day about other women, they end up disrespecting those women with their eyes, words and actions. It’s the worldly way to express beauty and respect a woman, and it’s inappropriate and unacceptable. Often times it takes everything in me to fight the urge to slap the immaturity out of those kind of men, and out of the unguarded women who accept that behavior.

Please hear me: Looks have everything to do with desiring to be with someone, and it's perfectly natural and acceptable to find others attractive, but my heart tells me it’s wrong for a man who is seeking a relationship to act immediately on a gorgeous woman the first time he sees her. He knows nothing about her or if she even has an authentic relationship with Christ and is wife material. Ultimately, if the man is serious at all about a relationship with this woman, by making comments and approaching her immediately he is making a serious decision without hearing God’s voice in the matter. All that says to the woman is, “I obviously don’t care what kind of person you are or what we could accomplish in the Kingdom of God together, I just think you’re hot and want to get as close to you as possible" and all it says to God is "I don't care about what You have to say about my future, I'll find her myself". Ladies... BIG red flags!

I used to think there was a difference between hunting for prey and wife watching, ESPECIALLY in the Christian life, but now it seems the hunting for “good looking” prey has reached the neighborhood of believers. That sickens me to the core because I expect much more from men who claim to represent Christ. I have been more impressed with the character and quality of the guys the Lord said were NOT for me who’ve asked me out after getting to know me than the ones I was seriously interested in who seemed extremely genuine in their faith until they approached me out of character and took the beautiful/gorgeous/stunning compliment I adore a level too far (wanting more of a physical response from the compliment than a thank-you and possible hug). Not the kind of relationship I am willing to invest my time in any longer. Ladies, you shouldn’t be either.

...whatever happened to getting to know a woman first, honoring and respecting her, and also earning her respect? What about inviting her to hangouts to meet the people you love, and watching her interact with others to see how authentic she is in loving as Christ loved? Why did serving others together get old? And when did keeping a respectful distance cease, and how in the world did a woman’s entire character get pushed to the bottom of the “required” list?

Regardless of their actions, I will honor all men because God simply says so, but I cannot fully respect those who do not first care about what KIND--not type--of woman they are seeking. That’s evidence of immaturity, and until he comes to terms with loving himself enough to love someone who loves Christ first, instead of hunting her before he knows anything about her, he’s not ready to commit or lead a woman as she needs to be led in a romantic relationship.

By the way, the catcalls and comments I hear from “godly” men are beyond pathetic and need to stop! If a man EVER does that around me he better hope my hands are tied because I just might slap him. Women are not objects or animals. We are beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of God, precious daughters of the Most High God, and ought to always be treated with honor and respect, just as we ought to treat you.

This is the first year in my young adult life that I haven’t been asked out. And to be honest, I’m glad because I have not at all been impressed with the lack of respect and initiative in friendship I see in men. I'm disappointed and disgusted because I expected so much more. One thing is for sure: I will gladly accept a kind and respectful compliment, but I will NOT settle for a man who doesn’t seek my friendship first, or who I know jumps around, and who doesn’t treat me with the utmost respect. Don’t think for a second I’ll be the object of someone’s lust, and I refuse to put up with guys who play games, even my guy friends. The minute you mess with my heart I will forgive you, and I will likely release you from the level of relationship we had (depending upon the kind of relationship) until you confront me with the truth. I am not a mat for any one to step on and abuse, and I won’t run around trying to get a guy’s attention in hopes that he’ll follow—that’s not my position as a woman. And trust me, I won’t baby a man and cradle around him as if I’m the one who is supposed to make the move—that’s his job.

Men: please stop the unnecessary comments about how hot women are—no one wants to hear them. Get real about the woman of God you should be seeking—the one whose love for God invigorates your spirit, whose faith will encourage yours every day of your life, and whose patience and demonstration of love brings you to humility. Find the authentic and honest woman whose service to others is a testimony in itself and will challenge you to sacrificially serve. Start by doing what I encourage women to do: re-evaluate your relationship with Christ and ask Him to align your life with His. If you’re sincere, He’ll take you on another road of intimacy with Him and once you’ve realized He’s your first true love and He’s all you want to please, your words and actions will flow to others accordingly. Listen for His voice in leading you to the right woman, and remember, you must be in a position to lead a woman by God’s standards before pursuing her for anything more than a friendship. Quit chasing looks and chase character. You deserve a good woman as much as a good woman deserves you.

PS.Here’s my late disclaimer:
You may think I’m too conservative on this subject and that my standards are too high. The world would say that I make it impossible for a man to approach me. Truth is, I don’t make it impossible for men to approach me, I simply make it clear that I refuse to settle for anything less than God’s best for me. I live by the relational standards that God has instituted. I am not waiting for a “perfect” man; I am waiting for my “Mr. Perfect” to get to where God needs Him to be so he can lead me properly.

I am not saying all men act this way, or that all women act as they should in relationships. Men and women are created very differently and all of us are learning and growing in this area daily. However, just like godly women, godly men are called to represent the character of Christ, in ALL they do. The minute a man’s character stops flowing into every area of his life, especially around women, it becomes void and he becomes the kind of person Jesus labels a hypocrite. I simply desire for men to acknowledge who they are as Christ’s representatives, and the examples they set. Others are watching and learning. Be faithful.