Last night I was sharing some of my testimony with a circle of friends. Part of my story speaks of how I was neglected as a child and I didn’t have parents who sought me. No one ever asked me what my dreams or passions were. My mom, dad and sister lived in the same house for my first fifteen years, but no body communicated with any body. I wasn’t disciplined and lived my childhood thinking no body loved me.
After sharing my testimony my friend asked me what some of my passions were and I joyfully shared that my heart bleeds for the children of Africa. I was asked if I knew what country in Africa the Lord had burdened me with and after saying no I emphasized the burden I have for the children. I told them my desires to just love them. I want to go to the villages and hug them, for as long as they want hugged. I want to be a safe place for them to cuddle, and cry, for as long as they need to. I want to cry with them and tell them that it is going to be all right. I want to kiss their foreheads and embrace them with the power of human touch. My motive is love, that’s it.
At this point, last night, God had not given me the reason for having the burden for the children of Africa. I just knew I had the passion to love them… but when I got around to sharing that part of the desire God gave me the greatest revelation! He wants to demonstrate the power of His redemption (how He restored the years the locusts had eaten with HIS love, in other words, the 20+ years I personally was robbed of human love) and use my broken, desolate life as a child as a vessel of outpouring His love to currently orphaned children (and I use that term lightly, meaning not necessarily "orphaned", but neglected as well). Aaaaaaah, Hallelujiah! Listen to this verse in Romans that God spoke to me!
"I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth..."
-Romans 9:17 (NIV)
The majority of African children are orphans and have no parents to love them or speak into their lives. Even though I had parents I felt like an abandoned orphan, until I was wrapped up in my Father’s arms and loved so much I didn’t even know how to receive it all! So who better to minister the love of Christ to orphaned children in Africa then a previously broken orphan herself?
It ALL makes sense, now!!!!!! Hallelujiah!!!!!!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
The truth
Can I be raw and simplistic for a moment...
I was reading the story of David and Goliath this morning and all of a sudden I realized something. I don't have to have all the bronze armor that Goliath did, be 9 feet tall and super muscular (I imagine he was), and have all the "gear" for God to use me.
"But... why do you use me, Lord?" I found myself asking. "Why does it seem like I see You more than most people do? Why do I tremble at the thought of You when others don't? Why do my eyes suddently fill with tears, in the middle of class, when I think of what you have done?"
The questions kept coming... "Why do you answer me so quickly? Why do You and I have full-blown conversations when most people say they can never hear You?"
I guess they are pretty similiar to David's thoughts in his prayer (which I absolutely love). I think it amazes me so much because I ask these questions every day. . .
"Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, O Sovereign Lord, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant. Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign Lord? What more can David say to you? For you know your servant, O Sovereign Lord. for the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant." (2 Samuel 7:18-21, NIV)
One of the thoughts I so often ponder is why God choses me, a 3-yr baby in the Lord, of all people, to draw so many people to Himself. I can't understand it. But today it all became clear. God told me He uses me because I have a heart like David's.
So I reflected on that for a while and allowed 1 Samuel 16:7 to sink in...
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Some other things have been on my mind lately and the Lord reminded me of this simple understanding that I tend to sometimes forget:
I don't have to know how to play every sport or even participate in every sport if I don't like it and I certainly don't have to be good at everything. I don't even have to love what every one else loves. All I simply need to do is keep being me. Silly, sometimes purposefully immature and over the top, but oh so passionate-for-Jesus me. Just continuing to love Who I love is enough. And that love is what God will use.
I was reading the story of David and Goliath this morning and all of a sudden I realized something. I don't have to have all the bronze armor that Goliath did, be 9 feet tall and super muscular (I imagine he was), and have all the "gear" for God to use me.
"But... why do you use me, Lord?" I found myself asking. "Why does it seem like I see You more than most people do? Why do I tremble at the thought of You when others don't? Why do my eyes suddently fill with tears, in the middle of class, when I think of what you have done?"
The questions kept coming... "Why do you answer me so quickly? Why do You and I have full-blown conversations when most people say they can never hear You?"
I guess they are pretty similiar to David's thoughts in his prayer (which I absolutely love). I think it amazes me so much because I ask these questions every day. . .
"Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, O Sovereign Lord, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant. Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign Lord? What more can David say to you? For you know your servant, O Sovereign Lord. for the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant." (2 Samuel 7:18-21, NIV)
One of the thoughts I so often ponder is why God choses me, a 3-yr baby in the Lord, of all people, to draw so many people to Himself. I can't understand it. But today it all became clear. God told me He uses me because I have a heart like David's.
So I reflected on that for a while and allowed 1 Samuel 16:7 to sink in...
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Some other things have been on my mind lately and the Lord reminded me of this simple understanding that I tend to sometimes forget:
I don't have to know how to play every sport or even participate in every sport if I don't like it and I certainly don't have to be good at everything. I don't even have to love what every one else loves. All I simply need to do is keep being me. Silly, sometimes purposefully immature and over the top, but oh so passionate-for-Jesus me. Just continuing to love Who I love is enough. And that love is what God will use.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Struggling to Wait
A few months ago I recognized my heart was boiling with a certain desire. Such a desire, in fact, I found myself crawling before the Lord, almost daily, asking Him to bless my life with it. He told me my desire was in His will and said He desires to give me the desires of my heart. He even showed me how my life will be enriched by this gift. The only thing He told me that I wasn't happy with was that I'd have to. . . wait.
I'm always grateful when God speaks to me so intimately, and especially in this case, but I almost wish He would have held off on giving me this particular desire because it's so hard to wait.
The desire has gotten so intense that it's in my mind constantly; not an idol, but a persistent desire that I've chosen to pray a lot about. It's sometimes paralyzing because the moment I think about it I'm lost in the dream-in such anticipation that can't catch my breath. I want it so bad that I've been struggling to imagine life without it. Could I really enjoy my life without this?
It races in my mind all day as I am reminded of it nearly every where I go. I want it, I want it, I want it; but the Lord says wait, wait wait.
I actually got to a place tonight where I finally wore myself out thinking about it so much. I decided to retreat to my favorite place and just talk with Daddy about it. No more hiding behind the truth of my heart, no more acting as if the desire wasn't eating at my soul. I wanted to be completely transparent with my mind and heart. I needed to spill my guts.
So, I did. And He met me there. Here's what He said:
How big am I?
I desire to give you great things, Kellie.
Trust me.
Wait.
I know why He asked me the first question. Already I had begun to limit His sovreignty and dismiss the fact that He could help me deal with the "extras" that came along with the desire, like the constant thoughts and feelings of anticipation. But like the gentle guy He is He asked me if He is too big to help me, not only with the thoughts and feelings, but with waiting. My heart knew the answer, but my mind didn't. Thankfully, a few moments later I said, "Of course not, Lord..." and received yet another revelation of God's amazing love.
An hour and a half later, I was more than content with hearing from the Lord. But as I walked back home, just enjoying the stars, I heard God ask me another question:
"Kellie, do you need this?"
God can be so humorous sometimes. I sensed the fatherly tone He used when asking me the question. I actually pictured Him sitting me down, gently looking into my eyes and firmly asking the question. And again, I got the humility check. Yet, it's interesting. . . The "Who am I to you?" question never seems to get old. I can always use the reminder.
My answer to the question was no and before I had time to question the word that just came out of my mouth I realized something. This desire of mine is something I can live without. I don't want to live without it and will not have to someday, but for now all I want to truly desire is Jesus.
And I do. He is sufficient.
"And earth has nothing I desire besides you."
Wow. What a great lesson from Psalm 73. Jesus is enough.
I knew Jesus was enough in my heart, but my mind was telling me otherwise. Fighting to keep them both in place can be a struggle, and in this particular regard it has been a big one for me. But tonight was the night I fully surrendered my desire. It's His again. And He can bless me with my heart's desire when He is ready.
I'm always grateful when God speaks to me so intimately, and especially in this case, but I almost wish He would have held off on giving me this particular desire because it's so hard to wait.
The desire has gotten so intense that it's in my mind constantly; not an idol, but a persistent desire that I've chosen to pray a lot about. It's sometimes paralyzing because the moment I think about it I'm lost in the dream-in such anticipation that can't catch my breath. I want it so bad that I've been struggling to imagine life without it. Could I really enjoy my life without this?
It races in my mind all day as I am reminded of it nearly every where I go. I want it, I want it, I want it; but the Lord says wait, wait wait.
I actually got to a place tonight where I finally wore myself out thinking about it so much. I decided to retreat to my favorite place and just talk with Daddy about it. No more hiding behind the truth of my heart, no more acting as if the desire wasn't eating at my soul. I wanted to be completely transparent with my mind and heart. I needed to spill my guts.
So, I did. And He met me there. Here's what He said:
How big am I?
I desire to give you great things, Kellie.
Trust me.
Wait.
I know why He asked me the first question. Already I had begun to limit His sovreignty and dismiss the fact that He could help me deal with the "extras" that came along with the desire, like the constant thoughts and feelings of anticipation. But like the gentle guy He is He asked me if He is too big to help me, not only with the thoughts and feelings, but with waiting. My heart knew the answer, but my mind didn't. Thankfully, a few moments later I said, "Of course not, Lord..." and received yet another revelation of God's amazing love.
An hour and a half later, I was more than content with hearing from the Lord. But as I walked back home, just enjoying the stars, I heard God ask me another question:
"Kellie, do you need this?"
God can be so humorous sometimes. I sensed the fatherly tone He used when asking me the question. I actually pictured Him sitting me down, gently looking into my eyes and firmly asking the question. And again, I got the humility check. Yet, it's interesting. . . The "Who am I to you?" question never seems to get old. I can always use the reminder.
My answer to the question was no and before I had time to question the word that just came out of my mouth I realized something. This desire of mine is something I can live without. I don't want to live without it and will not have to someday, but for now all I want to truly desire is Jesus.
And I do. He is sufficient.
"And earth has nothing I desire besides you."
Wow. What a great lesson from Psalm 73. Jesus is enough.
I knew Jesus was enough in my heart, but my mind was telling me otherwise. Fighting to keep them both in place can be a struggle, and in this particular regard it has been a big one for me. But tonight was the night I fully surrendered my desire. It's His again. And He can bless me with my heart's desire when He is ready.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
-Maya Angelou
***I LOVE this... I feel like she wrote it just for me!
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
-Maya Angelou
***I LOVE this... I feel like she wrote it just for me!
Friday, September 7, 2007
My dates with Daddy. . .
Day after day I find myself pondering our God. How can He love me this much? Why is He so good to me? Why does he choose to reveal Himself to me when I least expect it, let alone when I don’t deserve it?
When I think of these and all the questions I have ever pondered I am left with only this as my weakest defense: Infinite is Who He is and love is why He is. Understanding that offers me the delight of walking in the fullness of God. The most incredible piece all, though, happens when I am in communion with Christ because in Him each morning bounces with new expectations. Hope is re-assured, purpose is clear and faith makes more sense.
This past week I have been innately drawn to the center of campus, specifically the circle surrounding the fountain and trees. As soon as I wake up all I can think about is being there. My mind races with all the ways I can dream and dance with my Daddy. Envisioning my date with Him goes something like this, “maybe today I can dance for Him in the grass, twirl in circles with my head towards the sky, or sing for Him as I walk along the brick. Maybe I can just kneel before Him beside the trees and melt in His presence. Or perhaps I can run around, do cartwheels or just sit and enjoy the sweet smell of creation. . .”
In many ways, this campus has become my place of retreat. It is the place where I can be with Dad and know that He is there with me. Being here is not about maintaining a one-sided relationship, though, where I go only to talk to him; He speaks back and often in surprising ways. Sometimes a butterfly will fly around my head, an animal will stare at me as if it is smiling, or the trees whisper an irrevocable sweetness that calms my soul. Hearing His voice is certainly not over-rated, but sensing His pleasure is indescribable.
One early morning I retreated to this place for a jog and ten minutes in I found myself in the grass, on my knees in worship. Another morning during a jog I could not wipe the smile off my face. During a jog one evening in 75 degree weather my body remained in chills at the thoughts of Him. My favorite jog of all, though, is when the joy of the Lord overwhelms me with laughter. Sometimes the sudden laughter is so intense I have to stop just to catch my breath!
Nature has always captivated me, but this past month has taken me farther than the finite beauties and into a place of infinity where possibilities are endless. The sun reminds me to let my light shine. The sky reminds me there are no limits. The birds sing of the lullabies God sings over me. The grass reminds me of the real foundation upon which my feet firmly stand. Trees encourage me to stand tall and remain strong in the faith. The cleanliness of water excites my need for a Savior. And the list goes on.
The supremacy of Christ has caused me to look beyond what is seen. It has brought me to a deeper and fuller knowledge of God’s love. Bedtime is not simply the last routine thing I do anymore; it is an opportunity to ponder what surprises await me for tomorrow. Tomorrow is not only a new day of discovery, but a time for divine encounter with the Father of love.
When I think of these and all the questions I have ever pondered I am left with only this as my weakest defense: Infinite is Who He is and love is why He is. Understanding that offers me the delight of walking in the fullness of God. The most incredible piece all, though, happens when I am in communion with Christ because in Him each morning bounces with new expectations. Hope is re-assured, purpose is clear and faith makes more sense.
This past week I have been innately drawn to the center of campus, specifically the circle surrounding the fountain and trees. As soon as I wake up all I can think about is being there. My mind races with all the ways I can dream and dance with my Daddy. Envisioning my date with Him goes something like this, “maybe today I can dance for Him in the grass, twirl in circles with my head towards the sky, or sing for Him as I walk along the brick. Maybe I can just kneel before Him beside the trees and melt in His presence. Or perhaps I can run around, do cartwheels or just sit and enjoy the sweet smell of creation. . .”
In many ways, this campus has become my place of retreat. It is the place where I can be with Dad and know that He is there with me. Being here is not about maintaining a one-sided relationship, though, where I go only to talk to him; He speaks back and often in surprising ways. Sometimes a butterfly will fly around my head, an animal will stare at me as if it is smiling, or the trees whisper an irrevocable sweetness that calms my soul. Hearing His voice is certainly not over-rated, but sensing His pleasure is indescribable.
One early morning I retreated to this place for a jog and ten minutes in I found myself in the grass, on my knees in worship. Another morning during a jog I could not wipe the smile off my face. During a jog one evening in 75 degree weather my body remained in chills at the thoughts of Him. My favorite jog of all, though, is when the joy of the Lord overwhelms me with laughter. Sometimes the sudden laughter is so intense I have to stop just to catch my breath!
Nature has always captivated me, but this past month has taken me farther than the finite beauties and into a place of infinity where possibilities are endless. The sun reminds me to let my light shine. The sky reminds me there are no limits. The birds sing of the lullabies God sings over me. The grass reminds me of the real foundation upon which my feet firmly stand. Trees encourage me to stand tall and remain strong in the faith. The cleanliness of water excites my need for a Savior. And the list goes on.
The supremacy of Christ has caused me to look beyond what is seen. It has brought me to a deeper and fuller knowledge of God’s love. Bedtime is not simply the last routine thing I do anymore; it is an opportunity to ponder what surprises await me for tomorrow. Tomorrow is not only a new day of discovery, but a time for divine encounter with the Father of love.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I'm a Virginia Resident! Yay!
So I'm now officially a Virginia resident.
I feel so lovely.
haha seriously, I was jumping up and down in the driver's seat of my car after I got my new license. You have no idea what kind of hassles I've been experiencing JUST to make it this far!
I titled and registered my car here, too. Not sure why, but for a year and a half I've sensed the Lord wants me in Virginia for a while, so I did all the necessary paperwork to make it official... aaaaand nearly $300.00 later... I'm officially a Virginia resident.
Following the Lord DOES cost every thing.
I feel so lovely.
haha seriously, I was jumping up and down in the driver's seat of my car after I got my new license. You have no idea what kind of hassles I've been experiencing JUST to make it this far!
I titled and registered my car here, too. Not sure why, but for a year and a half I've sensed the Lord wants me in Virginia for a while, so I did all the necessary paperwork to make it official... aaaaand nearly $300.00 later... I'm officially a Virginia resident.
Following the Lord DOES cost every thing.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Fighting to fight the good fight Continued...
In conjunction with the previous post...
I find it so interesting that before I laid down for bed I ended up in the Word again and God suddenly brought me here:
"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:14-16
Even more amazing, in response to my words about persevering, the Lord showed me this:
"And since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
Hebrews 10:21-25
Amen! I am SO thankful the Lord knows exactly how I feel! More than that, He's there for me to approach and if I approach with confidence He will be generous enough to supply me with mercy and grace to pull me through...
(2nd scripture)
Then I'm encouraged to have full assurance of faith; reminded of his faithfulness; encouraged again by counsel to meet with the body; then to encourage and be encouraged.
Woooooah! I think God is speaking to me about this battle with spiritual warfare! AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN! What a marvelous God... who is like Him?!?!
I find it so interesting that before I laid down for bed I ended up in the Word again and God suddenly brought me here:
"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:14-16
Even more amazing, in response to my words about persevering, the Lord showed me this:
"And since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
Hebrews 10:21-25
Amen! I am SO thankful the Lord knows exactly how I feel! More than that, He's there for me to approach and if I approach with confidence He will be generous enough to supply me with mercy and grace to pull me through...
(2nd scripture)
Then I'm encouraged to have full assurance of faith; reminded of his faithfulness; encouraged again by counsel to meet with the body; then to encourage and be encouraged.
Woooooah! I think God is speaking to me about this battle with spiritual warfare! AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN! What a marvelous God... who is like Him?!?!
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