A true Friend

More and more I am realizing that I truly cannot rely on ANYone but God.

When I re-examine my life I realize that I had one friend who loved me enough to walk through pain with me like she experienced joy with me. We laughed together, “traveled” together (even if it was only an hour away from the nearest “cool” mall), walked through devestating trials at a young age together, and cried together. I clung to her and she clung to me. We were inseparable.

Thinking of her reminded me of all the other “friends” I had. They were there for pizza and pool on Friday nights, but where were they on Tuesday morning at 3:30am when I needed to talk? Where were they when I faced my parent’s divorce, or ended up in the hospital with back surgery? Where were they all three times when I woke up to an empty hospital room after cancer treatment? Why didn’t they see the signs when I, at the end of my rope, got involved with alcohol, drugs, and sex as a cry out for attention? They bailed. They left me, including my family. No one sacrificed his or her time to “be there” when I had to grow up faster than I wanted and anticipated.

As a little girl I learned this lesson the hard way. Although I didn’t know Jesus like I know Him today I always sensed His presence. When I would sit curled in my bed weeping over the pain of neglect and lonliness I could feel the warmth of His embrace. When my loud cries and pleas for attention didn’t seem to get even the animals’ attention in the woods I often retreated to I knew that at least Someone heard me. He had to, or at least everything in me hoped He did.

“How can I not matter to them? Why don’t they show me the slightest glimpse of their concern for me? Do I matter to ANY body?!” is what I cried so many times. I remember taking endless walks in the woods and going for runs around our neighborhood asking these questions over and over again. Even though I didn’t know my real Daddy the way my heart earnestly wanted to, the answer I always seemed to get was “you matter to Me.”

My relationship with my Father was never strong enough for me to realize that He was all I truly needed. During my teenage years I realized that what I searched for in other people could easily be found by retreating to a place where I could hear His voice and sense His presence. It was during the darkest moments of my life that I actually discovered real love. Love that doesn’t forget, love that doesn’t desert, love that doesn’t ignore, love that doesn’t leave when I face devastating experiences, love that stays even when I’m unpleasant, love that doesn’t reject, love that says “you matter”.

It was then that I learned what faithfulness was all about.

God surely speaks encouragement to my heart through people, but when those dark days of questioning my worth snuck up on me I realized that He was the only one I could count on to tell me how valuable I was and how much I really mattered to Him. Even now there’s no waiting around for someone to hug me or tell me they love me because He’s already done it, often times before I get to the questioning point (He knows me very well!). And I'm happy to say that it is enough. More than enough, in fact, that when I was younger His voice became such a familiar language it’s the only one I ever fully remembered, and especially now it’s the only one I have to stand on.

My yearning to be loved by people is nothing to be shameful about. Human beings are wired for community with others. While I learned much and became strong through my life of human neglect, I believe no person should ever be robbed of human love. God knew this and that’s why He gave us an Outline to learn how to love people in His image. But, as we learn how to love others like He loves, we must understand that while they can be attentive listeners and encouragers, no human being will ever be sufficient to carry our greatest needs and desires. Human interaction and touch is comforting in many ways, but it can never measure to the fullness of God’s loving character towards us. I always wanted to share my dreams and desires with my family and friends, but since they didn’t listen I had the opportunity to share them with One who does. So now, for me, whether or not someone decides to open his or her heart to me at 3:30am when I need to talk doesn’t matter because it is in my sorrow, and joy, that I remember Who love is, why He listens and that He will never disappoint me like so many have.

The closeness that I share with my Father has taught me more about His character than I ever thought I was adequate enough to know. When God was all I had, I realized He was all I needed. There wasn’t a single person who could make me smile, giggle, and feel loved like He did (and still does). He’s the only one who didn’t superficially act as if I were important to him one day only to ignore me the next. He didn’t desert me when other people came into the picture. He didn’t hold my hand through trial A and not through trial B. Even now, regardless of those kinds of friends I have, my life is grounded with the knowledge that I have a Friend who will never leave me or forsake me. And for that, I am grateful.

Today, my heart fully belongs to the One who has never left my side. And as much as I desire to be married and have a family, I’m almost aching to have to give part of my heart away. Not because He won’t still have it, but because others will.

Through my experience I’ve become determined to not be the kind of person my friends and family were to me. I am determined to be a loving, attentive, and genuine friend, like Jesus was and is to me.

Please, Lord, teach me more about Your loving ways. Teach me authentic friendship. Teach me how to sacrifice my time, desires and needs for those you’ve placed in my life. Teach me how to love them unconditionally as You do. Let me not take Your place in their lives, but let me be a living mirror of You to them, and in all of my relationships. I love You, and to You be all the glory!

(Written while listening to “Learning to need You” by Justin McRoberts)

My broken heart

I don't know about you, but when I ask for something intentional that will draw me closer to the heart of God, I get it. And I get it fast.

For the past two years my biggest prayer has been, "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours"...
Not long after I prayed that I found myself weeping over the salvation of my immediate family, the children of Africa, the battlecry generation, and neglected children in general. My heart isn't just that God's Kingdom come and His will be done especially in these areas, but it's also to be so knit together with Him that when He cries for them I do, too. And to know that when I cry He does, too.

If there is one thing I've come to a sure knowledge of about God it's that He desires us to be so closely linked with Him that no key, saw or hammer can break the chain we have with Him. No amount of pressure could destroy the intimacy we have with Him. Regardless of pain, trials, and circumstances we can still know and have the heart of the living God and draw close to it even when our own heart seems to be already broken. The comfort is knowing His heart breaks for things just like ours does and that we can identify with Him. If we're willing to trust Him to work out our brokenness He can give us His.

When He quickly answered my prayer He wasn't messing around. I was sincere and so was He. So I'm not boo-hoo talking here. I'm talking as low as I can get, face to the floor, weeping so hard that I can barely move kind of heart breaking. There's no way I could ever make up the kind of pain my heart feels for what it does. All I know is that I count it a privledge to carry this portion in my heart.

Sure it hurts, in fact, it pierces my soul in ways I could never explain, but I have the honor of being so close to my Maker that I feel what He feels and know what He knows. His secrets are safe with me and mine are safe with Him. Sure everything in me wants to see my family jump up and down with joy, hop on a plane to Africa and wrap my arms around and forever hold those precious little ones, have conversations everyday with youth, and constantly play with and hug children everywhere I turn, but as I wait upon the Lord for His direction and provision to move in a few of these areas, I enjoy the closeness I share with Him.

I don't share this to say God isn't the Mighty One who doesn't rescue those who are hurting and in need. He does. But usually He does it in a unique fashion that pulls you and I into the divine mix. It develops us, equips us, transforms us and trains us for battle. And heck, for an opportunity to be THAT close with Him, and to plead with Him for His own heartache, you better believe I'll take His pain over my satisfaction.

Give this one a shot. Ask the Lord to break your heart for what breaks His. Be ready for a breathtaking movement in your heart and use it to draw closer to Him while you plead for it. He'll stir things in you that you never thought could be stirred and He'll mess you up in ways you never thought imaginable... but be encouraged. You'll get to know Him in ways you thought were impossible!

Stricken with love

11-9-07 12:47pm
Here I sit at Panera trying to read the few books I have to read for class, but I can’t concentrate. I never can. I can’t stop thinking about my Prince.

Who am I? Who am I that He rescued me? Who am I to deserve what He offers? I fiercely question, WHO AM I?!

I am in awe… He chose to think of ME. He chooses to spend time with ME. He chooses to love ME. He chose ME before the creation of the world. He knew the day I was born. He was there. And He’s here now. And all I can do is let my chin shake, with a tear rolling down my cheek as I struggle yet again to explain in words what I know and feel when I think of Him.

I’m replaying “Offering” by Third Day over and over again, and as I sit in my cozy booth in the corner near the door, feeling the chilled fall breeze as the door opens and closes, my eyes flood with tears… so much that I can barely see through my glasses as I type this. I am overwhelmed by God’s presence, His character, His nature…

He didn’t have to die on the cross for me. He didn’t! But He did… I write this gazing, staring out the window at the tree whose leaves are about to fall, thinking of the One man who has ever loved me enough to sacrifice His life for me so that I could know Him.

This I will never understand, but will always be thankful for.

I will never get enough of Him. I can never be satisfied without Him every breathing moment. When He tells me He dwells here, I melt. When He tells me He’s sent His angels to encamp around me, I quiver with joy. When I see Him smiling over me I cuddle to the closest material thing and stay there, in hopes of feeling His real, yet intangible touch, while hiding my face in humility, only to moments later lift my head and smile joyfully.

The littlest things He does and reminds me of capture me. All it takes is seeing His face and I’m a goner-stuck to His heart like a magnet on a refrigerator. When He reaches for my arms and pulls me close I can’t help but feel the warmth of His breath and touch. My Hero is closer than He sometimes seems.

That’s it. I have nothing to offer other than my love in return. I have more love than I could ever know what to do with, but I want more. Father, stay. I tremble when You’re near. Let me never forget Your love. I love spending my days with You. You are my Prince. Stay and study with me. I love You.

My Africa Revelation!

Last night I was sharing some of my testimony with a circle of friends. Part of my story speaks of how I was neglected as a child and I didn’t have parents who sought me. No one ever asked me what my dreams or passions were. My mom, dad and sister lived in the same house for my first fifteen years, but no body communicated with any body. I wasn’t disciplined and lived my childhood thinking no body loved me.

After sharing my testimony my friend asked me what some of my passions were and I joyfully shared that my heart bleeds for the children of Africa. I was asked if I knew what country in Africa the Lord had burdened me with and after saying no I emphasized the burden I have for the children. I told them my desires to just love them. I want to go to the villages and hug them, for as long as they want hugged. I want to be a safe place for them to cuddle, and cry, for as long as they need to. I want to cry with them and tell them that it is going to be all right. I want to kiss their foreheads and embrace them with the power of human touch. My motive is love, that’s it.

At this point, last night, God had not given me the reason for having the burden for the children of Africa. I just knew I had the passion to love them… but when I got around to sharing that part of the desire God gave me the greatest revelation! He wants to demonstrate the power of His redemption (how He restored the years the locusts had eaten with HIS love, in other words, the 20+ years I personally was robbed of human love) and use my broken, desolate life as a child as a vessel of outpouring His love to currently orphaned children (and I use that term lightly, meaning not necessarily "orphaned", but neglected as well). Aaaaaaah, Hallelujiah! Listen to this verse in Romans that God spoke to me!

"I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth..."
-Romans 9:17 (NIV)

The majority of African children are orphans and have no parents to love them or speak into their lives. Even though I had parents I felt like an abandoned orphan, until I was wrapped up in my Father’s arms and loved so much I didn’t even know how to receive it all! So who better to minister the love of Christ to orphaned children in Africa then a previously broken orphan herself?
It ALL makes sense, now!!!!!! Hallelujiah!!!!!!

The truth

Can I be raw and simplistic for a moment...

I was reading the story of David and Goliath this morning and all of a sudden I realized something. I don't have to have all the bronze armor that Goliath did, be 9 feet tall and super muscular (I imagine he was), and have all the "gear" for God to use me.

"But... why do you use me, Lord?" I found myself asking. "Why does it seem like I see You more than most people do? Why do I tremble at the thought of You when others don't? Why do my eyes suddently fill with tears, in the middle of class, when I think of what you have done?"

The questions kept coming... "Why do you answer me so quickly? Why do You and I have full-blown conversations when most people say they can never hear You?"

I guess they are pretty similiar to David's thoughts in his prayer (which I absolutely love). I think it amazes me so much because I ask these questions every day. . .
"Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, O Sovereign Lord, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant. Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign Lord? What more can David say to you? For you know your servant, O Sovereign Lord. for the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant." (2 Samuel 7:18-21, NIV)

One of the thoughts I so often ponder is why God choses me, a 3-yr baby in the Lord, of all people, to draw so many people to Himself. I can't understand it. But today it all became clear. God told me He uses me because I have a heart like David's.

So I reflected on that for a while and allowed 1 Samuel 16:7 to sink in...
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Some other things have been on my mind lately and the Lord reminded me of this simple understanding that I tend to sometimes forget:
I don't have to know how to play every sport or even participate in every sport if I don't like it and I certainly don't have to be good at everything. I don't even have to love what every one else loves. All I simply need to do is keep being me. Silly, sometimes purposefully immature and over the top, but oh so passionate-for-Jesus me. Just continuing to love Who I love is enough. And that love is what God will use.

Struggling to Wait

A few months ago I recognized my heart was boiling with a certain desire. Such a desire, in fact, I found myself crawling before the Lord, almost daily, asking Him to bless my life with it. He told me my desire was in His will and said He desires to give me the desires of my heart. He even showed me how my life will be enriched by this gift. The only thing He told me that I wasn't happy with was that I'd have to. . . wait.

I'm always grateful when God speaks to me so intimately, and especially in this case, but I almost wish He would have held off on giving me this particular desire because it's so hard to wait.

The desire has gotten so intense that it's in my mind constantly; not an idol, but a persistent desire that I've chosen to pray a lot about. It's sometimes paralyzing because the moment I think about it I'm lost in the dream-in such anticipation that can't catch my breath. I want it so bad that I've been struggling to imagine life without it. Could I really enjoy my life without this?

It races in my mind all day as I am reminded of it nearly every where I go. I want it, I want it, I want it; but the Lord says wait, wait wait.

I actually got to a place tonight where I finally wore myself out thinking about it so much. I decided to retreat to my favorite place and just talk with Daddy about it. No more hiding behind the truth of my heart, no more acting as if the desire wasn't eating at my soul. I wanted to be completely transparent with my mind and heart. I needed to spill my guts.

So, I did. And He met me there. Here's what He said:

How big am I?
I desire to give you great things, Kellie.
Trust me.
Wait.

I know why He asked me the first question. Already I had begun to limit His sovreignty and dismiss the fact that He could help me deal with the "extras" that came along with the desire, like the constant thoughts and feelings of anticipation. But like the gentle guy He is He asked me if He is too big to help me, not only with the thoughts and feelings, but with waiting. My heart knew the answer, but my mind didn't. Thankfully, a few moments later I said, "Of course not, Lord..." and received yet another revelation of God's amazing love.

An hour and a half later, I was more than content with hearing from the Lord. But as I walked back home, just enjoying the stars, I heard God ask me another question:

"Kellie, do you need this?"

God can be so humorous sometimes. I sensed the fatherly tone He used when asking me the question. I actually pictured Him sitting me down, gently looking into my eyes and firmly asking the question. And again, I got the humility check. Yet, it's interesting. . . The "Who am I to you?" question never seems to get old. I can always use the reminder.

My answer to the question was no and before I had time to question the word that just came out of my mouth I realized something. This desire of mine is something I can live without. I don't want to live without it and will not have to someday, but for now all I want to truly desire is Jesus.
And I do. He is sufficient.

"And earth has nothing I desire besides you."

Wow. What a great lesson from Psalm 73. Jesus is enough.

I knew Jesus was enough in my heart, but my mind was telling me otherwise. Fighting to keep them both in place can be a struggle, and in this particular regard it has been a big one for me. But tonight was the night I fully surrendered my desire. It's His again. And He can bless me with my heart's desire when He is ready.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise
I rise
I rise.

-Maya Angelou


***I LOVE this... I feel like she wrote it just for me!