Whhewwwwww, my crazy but LIFE CHANGING week is almost over! I just told a few friends tonight that I feel like what I have learned and how I've grown this past month is more than what most Christians receive in their lifetime! Talk about humble thanksgiving!
Today, during the last day of the Restoring the Foundations seminar, the Lord took me back to a time in my childhood where I was hurt by someone or something and just wept at my bedside. The Lord showed me the picture vividly and I remembered family members laughing and yelling at the top of their lungs from downstairs, "We can't hear you, Kellie! Cry a little louder! Cry a little harder!" It was a spirit of mockery and rejection, a Sin of my Fathers, that had permeated its way into my life up until this morning when I received healing and deliverance.
Most people know my personality is very outgoing. I am people-oriented and my motivational gift is compassion. So I love people and I love having fun-- I look for it in everything I do. My life is a true testimony of living joy every day (and I can say that knowing what I have been set free from!). But when it comes to hearing jokes I have always cringed inside. I realized how I've been mocked, teased and rejected over the years, being the center of the joke, or because I haven't understood the jokes. There has always been a line, even in clean joking, that when crossed leaves me feeling incredibly hurt. Unfortunately, I have become so immune to the pain that I have actually reinforced it myself by laughing it off and leading others to believe I am okay with it. Sadly, the person would never know she has ever hurt me because I wouldn't even realize it myself until later that day, and I would never call the person to tell her she hurt me, to repent myself or to receive forgiveness from her. I would repent to the Lord, release that person and receive forgiveness from my Father, and even love the person when I saw her again, but the jokes at me just pierced me in such a way I purposed in my heart to avoid her until she contacted me again, and then I would go on loving her as usual.
The problem was that I was suppressing a Soul/Spirit hurt from the time I was 9 years old. Although I exercised forgiveness each time someone mocked me with a simple, clean joke, I developed bitterness in my heart towards that person. Because I didn't recognize the deep wound I had that needed to be healed I brushed off every mockery joke and forced myself to never revisit it again because "it was just a joke", all the while I was building a layer of bitterness towards each person who hurt me and I never confronted.
When the Lord showed me the picture of me being mocked for crying and teased for something that deeply affected me, which followed throughout high school for me with "stupid" blonde jokes (when I was blonde) and others, I immediately repented, released and received forgiveness with my family members and all those who had ever hurt me in the past. Then I renounced the sin.
Especially the past few weeks I've harbored bitterness in my heart towards some people for cracking coarse jokes (which the Bible does refer to as sin) about what they know or assume I am uneducated on or "should have been taught" in school but wasn't or forgot. It has deeply hurt me and instead of confronting these friends who I unfortunately rarely see anyway I just made it up in my heart to avoid them or worse, cut off communication with them until they ever contact me again.... even though I love them dearly.
For a few years I convinced myself I was just being over sensitive. I thought there was a level of fun I must not have understood, yet I always wondered what was wrong with people for liking jokes because they are usually at the expense of someone else. But being "over sensitive" wasn't it at all; I was wounded by jokes because a spirit of mockery has harassed me since that terrible incident I experienced at 9 years old.
From this point on, because I know the healing process in this area will take a bit longer, I will lovingly confront those who hurt me and come against the spirit of bitterness that would want to attach itself to my heart. I'm so thankful the Lord brought this up and so grateful He only gives us what we can bear!
We are healed and yet daily need healing from our Father... thank you, Father, for healing the brokenhearted and setting the captives free!
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I have found self-healing and fulfillment with the help of not only God, but also some powerful books, including my newest favorite, "Liquie Mirror: An Illustrated Experiential Journey in the Labyrinth of your Soul." It's by Kelly LaSha. With its help, and that of others, of course, I've received the great gifts of self-love and the ability to heal myself. It's powerful stuff. I especially love her 5 steps to wholeness.
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