A true Friend

More and more I am realizing that I truly cannot rely on ANYone but God.

When I re-examine my life I realize that I had one friend who loved me enough to walk through pain with me like she experienced joy with me. We laughed together, “traveled” together (even if it was only an hour away from the nearest “cool” mall), walked through devestating trials at a young age together, and cried together. I clung to her and she clung to me. We were inseparable.

Thinking of her reminded me of all the other “friends” I had. They were there for pizza and pool on Friday nights, but where were they on Tuesday morning at 3:30am when I needed to talk? Where were they when I faced my parent’s divorce, or ended up in the hospital with back surgery? Where were they all three times when I woke up to an empty hospital room after cancer treatment? Why didn’t they see the signs when I, at the end of my rope, got involved with alcohol, drugs, and sex as a cry out for attention? They bailed. They left me, including my family. No one sacrificed his or her time to “be there” when I had to grow up faster than I wanted and anticipated.

As a little girl I learned this lesson the hard way. Although I didn’t know Jesus like I know Him today I always sensed His presence. When I would sit curled in my bed weeping over the pain of neglect and lonliness I could feel the warmth of His embrace. When my loud cries and pleas for attention didn’t seem to get even the animals’ attention in the woods I often retreated to I knew that at least Someone heard me. He had to, or at least everything in me hoped He did.

“How can I not matter to them? Why don’t they show me the slightest glimpse of their concern for me? Do I matter to ANY body?!” is what I cried so many times. I remember taking endless walks in the woods and going for runs around our neighborhood asking these questions over and over again. Even though I didn’t know my real Daddy the way my heart earnestly wanted to, the answer I always seemed to get was “you matter to Me.”

My relationship with my Father was never strong enough for me to realize that He was all I truly needed. During my teenage years I realized that what I searched for in other people could easily be found by retreating to a place where I could hear His voice and sense His presence. It was during the darkest moments of my life that I actually discovered real love. Love that doesn’t forget, love that doesn’t desert, love that doesn’t ignore, love that doesn’t leave when I face devastating experiences, love that stays even when I’m unpleasant, love that doesn’t reject, love that says “you matter”.

It was then that I learned what faithfulness was all about.

God surely speaks encouragement to my heart through people, but when those dark days of questioning my worth snuck up on me I realized that He was the only one I could count on to tell me how valuable I was and how much I really mattered to Him. Even now there’s no waiting around for someone to hug me or tell me they love me because He’s already done it, often times before I get to the questioning point (He knows me very well!). And I'm happy to say that it is enough. More than enough, in fact, that when I was younger His voice became such a familiar language it’s the only one I ever fully remembered, and especially now it’s the only one I have to stand on.

My yearning to be loved by people is nothing to be shameful about. Human beings are wired for community with others. While I learned much and became strong through my life of human neglect, I believe no person should ever be robbed of human love. God knew this and that’s why He gave us an Outline to learn how to love people in His image. But, as we learn how to love others like He loves, we must understand that while they can be attentive listeners and encouragers, no human being will ever be sufficient to carry our greatest needs and desires. Human interaction and touch is comforting in many ways, but it can never measure to the fullness of God’s loving character towards us. I always wanted to share my dreams and desires with my family and friends, but since they didn’t listen I had the opportunity to share them with One who does. So now, for me, whether or not someone decides to open his or her heart to me at 3:30am when I need to talk doesn’t matter because it is in my sorrow, and joy, that I remember Who love is, why He listens and that He will never disappoint me like so many have.

The closeness that I share with my Father has taught me more about His character than I ever thought I was adequate enough to know. When God was all I had, I realized He was all I needed. There wasn’t a single person who could make me smile, giggle, and feel loved like He did (and still does). He’s the only one who didn’t superficially act as if I were important to him one day only to ignore me the next. He didn’t desert me when other people came into the picture. He didn’t hold my hand through trial A and not through trial B. Even now, regardless of those kinds of friends I have, my life is grounded with the knowledge that I have a Friend who will never leave me or forsake me. And for that, I am grateful.

Today, my heart fully belongs to the One who has never left my side. And as much as I desire to be married and have a family, I’m almost aching to have to give part of my heart away. Not because He won’t still have it, but because others will.

Through my experience I’ve become determined to not be the kind of person my friends and family were to me. I am determined to be a loving, attentive, and genuine friend, like Jesus was and is to me.

Please, Lord, teach me more about Your loving ways. Teach me authentic friendship. Teach me how to sacrifice my time, desires and needs for those you’ve placed in my life. Teach me how to love them unconditionally as You do. Let me not take Your place in their lives, but let me be a living mirror of You to them, and in all of my relationships. I love You, and to You be all the glory!

(Written while listening to “Learning to need You” by Justin McRoberts)