Regent University School of Udnergraduate Studies

Sunday, April 12, 2009

New Blog Site!

Hey everyone, since I'm no longer at Regent I created a new blog :)

It is still under major construction so bear with me...

Thanks to all of you who have followed me these past two years. I am so ready to start a fresh blog with my fresh start. And I'm so excited be writing out of a more healed heart, mind and soul.

Hope to see you at my new blog!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

BEAUTIFULLY Interrupted by Holy Spirit

How wonderful it is to be interrupted by Holy Spirit led worship! While making a pot of decaf and preparing to sit on my living room floor for a night of reading, soaking and receiving, the presence of the Holy Spirit was so thick in the atomsphere that I unexpectedly began to sob and speak in tongues hanging off the corner of my counter... for what exactly, I don't know, but my sense is simply a heart-to-heart connection my Father wanted me to have with Him.

I soon sensed that love I was receiving was the same love, out of the same heart, for the brokenhearted and disenfranchised throughout the nations. It wasn't long before I found myself walking over to my refrigerator and laying hands on the little boy I sponsor through Compassion International and praying over him in tongues.

Eventually, when I was able to stand again I walked over to my floor, picked up my book and tried to finish an open book test.... when three minutes later I found myself crying in the spirit receiving more of my Father's lavish love being poured over me abundantly. He wasn't done yet! Incredbily overwhelmed by the power of His love I found myself curling up in a ball beside my couch as I wept for a brief time. His presence and love was all over the room and I felt Him very tangibly! As I heard Him ask me to consecrate Easter weekend solely to Him I gladly accepted and He said He had so much MORE He plans to rain over me. Our beautiful moment ended with Him saying this weekend will be the best date weekend I've ever had!

His love is truly powerful! Without even realizing it I relinquished all control-- giving up my agenda for the evening to be interrupted by my loving Daddy. There is NO ONE who can offer me what only He can and there is no one who can cause love to awaken in my heart like He can and has. These encounters leave me not only feeling like the most precious, beautiful and valuable Daughter in the whole wide world, but they empower me to freely love with the love I have freely received. And that, is a gift I never want to stop giving.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

A Simple Walk in the Park... or God Breathing Life into a Dead Dream?

Working full time and being in the missions school causes me to gladly surrender my heart more and more each day, but it does leave me feeling a bit tired these days... ;)

Every day and night is non-stop and by the time the weekend hits I don't know what to do with myself! It's amazing how much you get adapted to busy life that when you actually do have some down time you have no idea what to do! I can't tell you these past two weekends how many times I frantically walked around my apartment wondering what the heck I was going to do with myself. It was such an odd feeling... Reading a book was out because I read all week and needed a breather; going to the coffee shop is out because, well, I do that all the time and it's getting very old, and texting people is practically useless because by the time I text them they've all got plans and I'm left by myself on a Saturday night or Sunday afternoon ;) Oh well, I guess it means a nice walk in the park....

After church I took my Bible and a book and headed off to the park for a quiet afternoon of reading and revelation on a lovely day. (Haven't I learned that my days never go as I imagine?) I reached the park to find a sea of cars in the parking lot, some people tailgaiting and a few baseball and basketball games going on. It was 68 degrees and sunny so I shouldn't have expected any less...

After weaving through crowds of people and baseballs flying over my head (players practicing for the next inning) I made my way to the perfect bench-- sitting between a few tall trees, near a bunch of playful children hanging from the monkey bars at the playground, in front of 1st base, with juuust the right amount of rays hitting my body to warm me from the chilly breeze. What a beautiful day, a beautiful place and a beautiful moment.

Before I got to reading I watched the young baseball players. Parents were cheering loudly from the stands and as I looked over I couldn't help but chuckle as I watched the exuberated Mom (who I swore was my mom over 10 years ago reincarnated) in the oldschool, portable bleacher chair with her umbrella, snacks and pop surrounding her designated "area" on the top bleacher. No wonder she was cheering-- an in-the-park homer, a close and safe slide into 2nd, and an almost steal from first just happened in under five minutes-- who wouldn't be hollering for "ma boy" during such a game!? Yet when I watched the boy hit the inside-the-park-homerun and slide safe into home I felt tears running down my face. For the first time in over 10 years I re-visited my life as a trophy-winner softball player.

"Oh how I miss those days..." I thought. "learning to pitch, bat, field... gettin' my first black eye during an awesome slide, catching a town-talking fly, ruining my first set of cletes..." It was the first sport I ever played and after much practice excelled at. Fielding was my strongest area; batting my weakest, but I could actually say I was good at something (in those days). Certainly I had my on and off days as a fast-pitch pitcher, but the exhilaration of a game was so worth it. From the crisp smell of a freshly cleaned uniform to cheering my teamates on in the dugout with my hands gripping the fence, being a softball player was practically my identity.

My great aunt and uncle never missed a game. My mom hardly missed a game, but my dad wasn't able to make it to all of them because he was coaching the boys. But I remember poignantly the feeling I had knowing that I was in my element and was making my family proud. There was nothing like it! (Exactly like now knowing I am my Father's Daughter living out my purpose in Christ)

My accident happened in '97, we estimate, while I slid into home during my in-the-park homer. I was safe, but remember being in excrutiating pain upon getting up. Coach told me to play it off, and a year later I could barely walk without pain. After being forced to drop out of all sports, confined to a back brace 24/7 for three years, constant physical therapy, endless doses of meds, and a back fusion in '00, I wasn't about to risk dealing with the same level of intense, non-stop pain so I purposed to never play softball or other sports again. Six months after my fusion the doctors told me I could play, but I never went back on the field.

I would still watch the professional games like I always did and even go to games, but the idea of playing again was dead in my spirit. A few years ago I found myself running a track that held softball games around the same time of my daily run. I wanted to be apart of the game so badly. I even tried to start a team with my church, but it never worked out. When I was home with my family I would play catch with my nephew and teach him a few things. Playing softball has never left my heart.

Never have I dreamed my softball days were over as a young teen; I just buried my dream thinking I would be better off without playing, even though I felt such fulfillment while playing. Today as I reminisced I felt the Lord encouraging my heart to dream again and not loose hope about playing in the future. He knew I loved softball; He gave me the desire and gifts to play. For years I put it in a door and closed it not wanting to risk potential injury again-- I was fearful, and naturally so. Yet this afternoon I found myself desperately wanting to run on the field and play with the kids... replying to the Lord, "when will I even be able to play anytime soon with what you've laid on my heart to do this year and next?" He so graciously reminded me that my timing and His are off balance, but He hasn't forgotten my dream. The day will come where I'll have opportunity to play again with a great team and when I do, it will be glorious :) Thanks, Papa.

... (I did read my Bible at the park-- quite ironically the book of Jonah and as always I am fascinated by the love and mercy of our Father... have I, like Jonah, the right to ignore and turn away from what God has breathed life into? Ninevah for Jonah, Softball for me?)

The Brave Hearted Gospel; My heart in a nutshell

For some reason I can't download the video in here, but click the link. Just click the link...

Monday, March 30, 2009

Exerpt from The Dream Giver

Day after Day, Ordinary showed up at his Usual Job. But while he worked, he thought about his Dream. He thought about how wonderful it would be to do what he loved to do instead of just dreaming about it.

Ordinary's longing for his big Dream grew and grew until finally he realized that he'd never be happy unless he could pursue it. Why didn't the Dream Giver make it possible?

If the Dream Giver didn't, how could Ordinary ever leave Familiar? He had payments and expenses. He had regular duties. A lot of Nobodies counted on him for a lot of things.Ordinary felt completely stuck. Time passed, but nothing changed.

He began to hate his Usual Job. This isn't what I was made to do, he'd say to himself. I just know it!

After a while, he began to worry that maybe he hadn't received a big Dream after all. Maybe he'd just made it all up.

And he grew sadder by the day.

One evening after work, Ordinary went to this Parents' to watch the box. But their box was broken, so the house was very quiet. It was even more quiet because his Mother was out shopping at Familiar Foods.

In the quietness, Ordinary started to think about his Dream again. He looked over at his Father sitting in his recliner, staring at the single page of Nobody's News. Maybe HE could help.

"Father", said Ordinary, "I'm growing sadder by the day. I don't like my Usual Job anymore. In fact, I think I hate it."Father looked up. "That's terrible!" he said. "What happened?"

Before he could stop himself, Ordinary started talking about the Dream Giver, and about his Big Dream. "I was made to be a Somebody and achieve Great Things!" he said. And then he told his Father the Name of his Dream. As he spoke, his voice trembled. He was sure that his Father would laugh or call him a fool.

But his Father didn't. "I'm not surprised to hear you say these things," he said.

"You're not?" said Ordinary.

"No," his Father said. "You've had that Dream ever since you were little. Don't you remember? You used to build that same dream with sticks and mud in front of this very house.

"Then Ordinary did remember. He'd always had this Dream! It was what he'd always wanted to do, and what he'd always thought he'd be good at doing. His eyes filled with tears.

"Father," he said. "I think I was born to do this."

Ordinary and his Father sat together quietly. His Father seemed to be remembering something, too. After a while he asked, "When you woke up to your Big Dream, Son, did you happen to find... a feather?"

Ordinary was shocked. "How did you know?" he asked.

"A long time ago, I woke up to a Dream, too." his Father said. "And it came with a long white feather. It was a wonderful Dream. I kept the feather on my windowsill while I waited for a chance to pursue it. I waited and waited. But it never seemed possible... One day I noticed the feather had turned to dust."

Of all the sad words Ordinary had ever heard, these were the saddest. Before he left that night, his Father hugged him.

"Don't make the same mistake I did, Son," he said. "You don't have to stay a Nobody. You can be a Dreamer!"

When Ordinary got home, he went straight to the window and picked up the long white feather. He turned it over carefully in his hands. He thought about his Father and the Dream he'd left behind.

Then he had a surprising idea. Could it be that maybe the Dream Giver gave every Nobody a Dream, but only some embraced their dreams? And even fewer pursued them?

The more he thought about it, the more he thought it had to be true.

One thing Ordinary did know for sure: He didn't want to repeat his Father's mistake. He wouldn't waste another day waiting for his Dream to seem possible. He would find a way to pursue it.

Time passed. Ordinary worked hard on his plan to begin his Dream. He made hard choices. He made difficult changes. He even made big sacrifices.

Finally, one morning, he was ready.

Ordinary ran all the way to his Usual Job, his Dream pounding hard in his chest. As soon as he saw Best Friend, Ordinary blurted out the news: "That Big Dream I told you about-- I've decided to pursue it!"

Best Friend looked concerned. "You know as well as I do that Nobdodies who pursue their Dreams leave Familiar," he said. "They set off like fools into the Unknown, in search of a place where--"

"Yes, yes. I know," Ordinary broke in, "and I can't wait to get started!"

"But Ordinary, that journey is anything but sensible or safe. Why leave Familar? It's so comfortable here. And besides, you've always lived here."

"I've thought about all that, too," said Ordinary. "But my Big Dream is too important and too wonderful to miss."

Best friend shook his head. "So you're going to become a Dreamer," he said.

"I am a Dreamer!" answered Ordinary. "Today I'm going to tell my Boss that I'm leaving my Usual Job. Tomorrow I will begin my journey. Hey, Best Friend," added Ordinary eagerly, "you can have my recliner and my box!"

And with that, Ordinary walked away, humming a tune that he'd never heard before.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Loving me some Inner Healing

Whhewwwwww, my crazy but LIFE CHANGING week is almost over! I just told a few friends tonight that I feel like what I have learned and how I've grown this past month is more than what most Christians receive in their lifetime! Talk about humble thanksgiving!

Today, during the last day of the Restoring the Foundations seminar, the Lord took me back to a time in my childhood where I was hurt by someone or something and just wept at my bedside. The Lord showed me the picture vividly and I remembered family members laughing and yelling at the top of their lungs from downstairs, "We can't hear you, Kellie! Cry a little louder! Cry a little harder!" It was a spirit of mockery and rejection, a Sin of my Fathers, that had permeated its way into my life up until this morning when I received healing and deliverance.

Most people know my personality is very outgoing. I am people-oriented and my motivational gift is compassion. So I love people and I love having fun-- I look for it in everything I do. My life is a true testimony of living joy every day (and I can say that knowing what I have been set free from!). But when it comes to hearing jokes I have always cringed inside. I realized how I've been mocked, teased and rejected over the years, being the center of the joke, or because I haven't understood the jokes. There has always been a line, even in clean joking, that when crossed leaves me feeling incredibly hurt. Unfortunately, I have become so immune to the pain that I have actually reinforced it myself by laughing it off and leading others to believe I am okay with it. Sadly, the person would never know she has ever hurt me because I wouldn't even realize it myself until later that day, and I would never call the person to tell her she hurt me, to repent myself or to receive forgiveness from her. I would repent to the Lord, release that person and receive forgiveness from my Father, and even love the person when I saw her again, but the jokes at me just pierced me in such a way I purposed in my heart to avoid her until she contacted me again, and then I would go on loving her as usual.

The problem was that I was suppressing a Soul/Spirit hurt from the time I was 9 years old. Although I exercised forgiveness each time someone mocked me with a simple, clean joke, I developed bitterness in my heart towards that person. Because I didn't recognize the deep wound I had that needed to be healed I brushed off every mockery joke and forced myself to never revisit it again because "it was just a joke", all the while I was building a layer of bitterness towards each person who hurt me and I never confronted.

When the Lord showed me the picture of me being mocked for crying and teased for something that deeply affected me, which followed throughout high school for me with "stupid" blonde jokes (when I was blonde) and others, I immediately repented, released and received forgiveness with my family members and all those who had ever hurt me in the past. Then I renounced the sin.

Especially the past few weeks I've harbored bitterness in my heart towards some people for cracking coarse jokes (which the Bible does refer to as sin) about what they know or assume I am uneducated on or "should have been taught" in school but wasn't or forgot. It has deeply hurt me and instead of confronting these friends who I unfortunately rarely see anyway I just made it up in my heart to avoid them or worse, cut off communication with them until they ever contact me again.... even though I love them dearly.

For a few years I convinced myself I was just being over sensitive. I thought there was a level of fun I must not have understood, yet I always wondered what was wrong with people for liking jokes because they are usually at the expense of someone else. But being "over sensitive" wasn't it at all; I was wounded by jokes because a spirit of mockery has harassed me since that terrible incident I experienced at 9 years old.

From this point on, because I know the healing process in this area will take a bit longer, I will lovingly confront those who hurt me and come against the spirit of bitterness that would want to attach itself to my heart. I'm so thankful the Lord brought this up and so grateful He only gives us what we can bear!
We are healed and yet daily need healing from our Father... thank you, Father, for healing the brokenhearted and setting the captives free!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Just... in awe

There's been a lot going on in my head and heart lately. We've been in the RTF (Restoring the Foundations) Seminar all week during the evenings and it has been simply eye opening. Filling out the paperwork about my past caused me to recognize the absolutely beautiful work God has done and is doing in my life. The transformation, deliverance, healing... it's almost unbelievable! To think that 5 years ago I was bound in abuse, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and sex among incredibly deep roots of bitterness, depression and anger-- and to see me now... it's like "who ARE you?!" I am still in desperate need of my Savior every day, but this seminar is awakening me again and again to the incredible POWER of my living God.

Completely off the subject (it's late and my thoughts are a bit choppy), yet not... is my FAMILY. I cannot tell you how I have LONGED to be with them, near them, around them just lovin' on them. I have cried looking at pictures just desiring to experience life with them again, only REAL life this time. Since my Grandma passed in August 4 of my family members have received Christ and are walking out a relationship with Him... God is doing so many exciting things in their lives (there is also counterattack..) that I just want to be apart of. My niece and nephew are growing up so fast and I want to enjoy them while they are young. I want to pour into their young souls and I want to be fed and taught by them. (Most of the time I think I am preaching to children when they are preaching to me) I want Christ to be glorified in my body, and I want them to experience the love of their Father.

The mind blowing part of what I just shared is that I once was completely cut off from my family. Growing up feeling like an orphan left to fend for herself, I developed a bitterness and hatred towards my parents. At a very broken age 19, immediately following my first operation to remove cancerous cells from my body, I cursed them both, completely dishonored them and told them to stay out of my life forever. Out of revenge, I told them that since they neglected me for 19 years, I would neglect them for 19 years. I can't remember how many times I cussed at my mom and called her every name in the book, while screaming at her at the top of my lungs. My dad and I never even shared enough time together or on the phone to even develop such a grand relationship. They were shut out completely (not that they were really seeking a relationship with me). My sister hated me and didn't talk to me for a good year or more when we only lived a mile away from each other, and my other step/half siblings lived out of state or hours away. The enemy completely scattered our family and the pain was so intense that the only thing I knew to do was to cut it off by cutting them out.

4 years later... I am willing to give up everything I know and love to share real LOVE with them. Forget the incredible job opportunity right now, forget the great little apartment, forget my supportive and on-fire-for-Jesus friends (in the best way).... LOVE, has ruined me!!! To me, as it is with transitioning into missions, it's worth risking everything to go share the Good News, disciple and build memories together. My only motive is love.

Next to the nations, they are all I think about, take the most of my prayer life and are the loves of my life. I wouldn't dream of living a day without knowing I am in relationship with every single one of them. God is restoring to us the years the locusts have eaten, the years the enemy has stolen from us, and it is so precious that I want to be in the midst of it, breathing the fresh air of salvation and tasting the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

It's late, so I ramble, what I can say... ;) There's my heart in a nutshell right now... I would post pictures of my beautifully, joyful niece and unfathomably smart nephew but my sister hasn't e-mailed the pictures yet... when she does, you'll be the first to see!
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