My testimony on the 700 Club

Thought ya'll might like to hear the real deal... well, a very condensed version of it ;)

Be blessed :) God is mighty!

Surrendered

I usually don't share my personal poetry, not because I am ashamed, but because I value keeping certain things sacred. Along the same lines, I am a vulnerable woman and am willing to share my struggles along with my joy. Like you, I am not finished yet. Praise God!

Surrender

Here I am
Broken yet again
Wounded by stabs of complacency
Jaded by forgetfulness
Tossed around by waves of neglect
Pierced with biting tongues
Have I yet again been abandoned?

Why have You taken me back to this place?!
Haven’t I experienced enough?
Or haven’t I learned how to rest in our relationship
That I seek for more and more
In those unable to fully deliver?

I love
I give
I offer
If it hasn’t been done in vain
And I don’t always have the privilege of knowing its results
Is it too much to ask to at least experience Your pleasure in me?
Or should I already know it by my lifestyle?

I know You and have Your love
Yet rejection slices through my skin
Layer by layer
Only to tear open sorrowful blisters that I find myself covering with the band-aid of salvation, dismissing my wretchedness

I stand in Job’s position--knowing Your goodness and sovereignty
Yet denying it and denying You when I’m drowning in pain
I trust my best interest is Your heart
Yet I question my endless position in the pit

I know You
I have heard Your voice
I have experienced and know Your love
I walk in Your transformational power
I know and have seen the power of Your healing
I have been Your miracle and I see them before my very eyes
I have watched You restore completely
I have received endless gifts from You
I see Your plan unfolding
Every day I meet with You

Yet I don’t understand You
I don’t know all of Your ways, nor will I ever
You speak in ways that sometimes intimidate me;
I sometimes ponder how We’ll pull off Your off-the-wall, divine plan
Even while I remain close to You
Often times Your rawness frightens me
Praise to Your name!
All the while in my pain
My heart cannot be anxious or divided
Because even in the sea of confusion I still see Your undying pursuit of me

Daily, I fall on my knees in endless tears
Praising and thanking You
But have I been seeking Your heart?
When did I step out of the secret place
Where I used to feel your breath?
And the light wind of your presence?
Where I never wanted to leave because the atmosphere was drenched with You?Be it only a few days, I am lost
Let me find You again!

I know You are jealous for me
But it hurts, Daddy
To think I have something true
But really don’t
Have I truly fallen for this?
Have I fallen for giving and occasionally wanting something in return?
Perhaps if I truly realized that You gave endlessly knowing You’d never receive ALL of what you gave for
I would understand real love again

Oh, have mercy on me
Let me have the privilege of sitting again in Your classroom
Guide me in Your grace and unfathomable knowledge and wisdom
Continue to be patient with me
As I learn to righteously live Your Word

Please keep teaching me about the ways of the One Who reconstructs me
Though it tarry, I will wait and learn from Your healing
Killing me as it seems
And killing me it is, Praise Your name!
Keep me here as long as you desire
And then carry me back to the palace
Where the Comforter fills me inexpressible
Where joy is complete
Newness is found
Where redemption becomes real

I want Your satisfying love to completely satisfy me
Help me to find my shelter in only You again
Please, let me have Your heart again
Let me feel Your heartbeat
Hold me close; embrace me with Your mighty arms
Keep me shielded by your wings
Please, Daddy, never let me go, or out of Your sight

I don’t want the wavy waters without You
I don’t want the calm ones either
Back to Your heart I come
At Your feet I lay
Pick me up, Daddy, I cannot BE without You

Continue to screen me, my Prince
And be with me now more than ever
You, who are my Armor
Guard my heart
Lower me daily!
Tear me open if I must be torn
Prune what must be pruned
Strip the joy if you must
That what is broken may be mended by Your touch
Strike the areas that must be stricken
Mutilate my flesh
Wash me again and again in Your cleansing blood

The pain is worth having You closer
Know I will never stop falling to my knees for You
Your name will always be honored
Held high by the praise of my lips
May the tears that represent my love language to You be glorifying to You

I am over me
I am Yours and only Yours
Wholly and truly
Here I am, surrendered
Do with me what You will.