Just... in awe

There's been a lot going on in my head and heart lately. We've been in the RTF (Restoring the Foundations) Seminar all week during the evenings and it has been simply eye opening. Filling out the paperwork about my past caused me to recognize the absolutely beautiful work God has done and is doing in my life. The transformation, deliverance, healing... it's almost unbelievable! To think that 5 years ago I was bound in abuse, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and sex among incredibly deep roots of bitterness, depression and anger-- and to see me now... it's like "who ARE you?!" I am still in desperate need of my Savior every day, but this seminar is awakening me again and again to the incredible POWER of my living God.

Completely off the subject (it's late and my thoughts are a bit choppy), yet not... is my FAMILY. I cannot tell you how I have LONGED to be with them, near them, around them just lovin' on them. I have cried looking at pictures just desiring to experience life with them again, only REAL life this time. Since my Grandma passed in August 4 of my family members have received Christ and are walking out a relationship with Him... God is doing so many exciting things in their lives (there is also counterattack..) that I just want to be apart of. My niece and nephew are growing up so fast and I want to enjoy them while they are young. I want to pour into their young souls and I want to be fed and taught by them. (Most of the time I think I am preaching to children when they are preaching to me) I want Christ to be glorified in my body, and I want them to experience the love of their Father.

The mind blowing part of what I just shared is that I once was completely cut off from my family. Growing up feeling like an orphan left to fend for herself, I developed a bitterness and hatred towards my parents. At a very broken age 19, immediately following my first operation to remove cancerous cells from my body, I cursed them both, completely dishonored them and told them to stay out of my life forever. Out of revenge, I told them that since they neglected me for 19 years, I would neglect them for 19 years. I can't remember how many times I cussed at my mom and called her every name in the book, while screaming at her at the top of my lungs. My dad and I never even shared enough time together or on the phone to even develop such a grand relationship. They were shut out completely (not that they were really seeking a relationship with me). My sister hated me and didn't talk to me for a good year or more when we only lived a mile away from each other, and my other step/half siblings lived out of state or hours away. The enemy completely scattered our family and the pain was so intense that the only thing I knew to do was to cut it off by cutting them out.

4 years later... I am willing to give up everything I know and love to share real LOVE with them. Forget the incredible job opportunity right now, forget the great little apartment, forget my supportive and on-fire-for-Jesus friends (in the best way).... LOVE, has ruined me!!! To me, as it is with transitioning into missions, it's worth risking everything to go share the Good News, disciple and build memories together. My only motive is love.

Next to the nations, they are all I think about, take the most of my prayer life and are the loves of my life. I wouldn't dream of living a day without knowing I am in relationship with every single one of them. God is restoring to us the years the locusts have eaten, the years the enemy has stolen from us, and it is so precious that I want to be in the midst of it, breathing the fresh air of salvation and tasting the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

It's late, so I ramble, what I can say... ;) There's my heart in a nutshell right now... I would post pictures of my beautifully, joyful niece and unfathomably smart nephew but my sister hasn't e-mailed the pictures yet... when she does, you'll be the first to see!