Struggling to Wait

A few months ago I recognized my heart was boiling with a certain desire. Such a desire, in fact, I found myself crawling before the Lord, almost daily, asking Him to bless my life with it. He told me my desire was in His will and said He desires to give me the desires of my heart. He even showed me how my life will be enriched by this gift. The only thing He told me that I wasn't happy with was that I'd have to. . . wait.

I'm always grateful when God speaks to me so intimately, and especially in this case, but I almost wish He would have held off on giving me this particular desire because it's so hard to wait.

The desire has gotten so intense that it's in my mind constantly; not an idol, but a persistent desire that I've chosen to pray a lot about. It's sometimes paralyzing because the moment I think about it I'm lost in the dream-in such anticipation that can't catch my breath. I want it so bad that I've been struggling to imagine life without it. Could I really enjoy my life without this?

It races in my mind all day as I am reminded of it nearly every where I go. I want it, I want it, I want it; but the Lord says wait, wait wait.

I actually got to a place tonight where I finally wore myself out thinking about it so much. I decided to retreat to my favorite place and just talk with Daddy about it. No more hiding behind the truth of my heart, no more acting as if the desire wasn't eating at my soul. I wanted to be completely transparent with my mind and heart. I needed to spill my guts.

So, I did. And He met me there. Here's what He said:

How big am I?
I desire to give you great things, Kellie.
Trust me.
Wait.

I know why He asked me the first question. Already I had begun to limit His sovreignty and dismiss the fact that He could help me deal with the "extras" that came along with the desire, like the constant thoughts and feelings of anticipation. But like the gentle guy He is He asked me if He is too big to help me, not only with the thoughts and feelings, but with waiting. My heart knew the answer, but my mind didn't. Thankfully, a few moments later I said, "Of course not, Lord..." and received yet another revelation of God's amazing love.

An hour and a half later, I was more than content with hearing from the Lord. But as I walked back home, just enjoying the stars, I heard God ask me another question:

"Kellie, do you need this?"

God can be so humorous sometimes. I sensed the fatherly tone He used when asking me the question. I actually pictured Him sitting me down, gently looking into my eyes and firmly asking the question. And again, I got the humility check. Yet, it's interesting. . . The "Who am I to you?" question never seems to get old. I can always use the reminder.

My answer to the question was no and before I had time to question the word that just came out of my mouth I realized something. This desire of mine is something I can live without. I don't want to live without it and will not have to someday, but for now all I want to truly desire is Jesus.
And I do. He is sufficient.

"And earth has nothing I desire besides you."

Wow. What a great lesson from Psalm 73. Jesus is enough.

I knew Jesus was enough in my heart, but my mind was telling me otherwise. Fighting to keep them both in place can be a struggle, and in this particular regard it has been a big one for me. But tonight was the night I fully surrendered my desire. It's His again. And He can bless me with my heart's desire when He is ready.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise
I rise
I rise.

-Maya Angelou


***I LOVE this... I feel like she wrote it just for me!

My dates with Daddy. . .

Day after day I find myself pondering our God. How can He love me this much? Why is He so good to me? Why does he choose to reveal Himself to me when I least expect it, let alone when I don’t deserve it?

When I think of these and all the questions I have ever pondered I am left with only this as my weakest defense: Infinite is Who He is and love is why He is. Understanding that offers me the delight of walking in the fullness of God. The most incredible piece all, though, happens when I am in communion with Christ because in Him each morning bounces with new expectations. Hope is re-assured, purpose is clear and faith makes more sense.

This past week I have been innately drawn to the center of campus, specifically the circle surrounding the fountain and trees. As soon as I wake up all I can think about is being there. My mind races with all the ways I can dream and dance with my Daddy. Envisioning my date with Him goes something like this, “maybe today I can dance for Him in the grass, twirl in circles with my head towards the sky, or sing for Him as I walk along the brick. Maybe I can just kneel before Him beside the trees and melt in His presence. Or perhaps I can run around, do cartwheels or just sit and enjoy the sweet smell of creation. . .”

In many ways, this campus has become my place of retreat. It is the place where I can be with Dad and know that He is there with me. Being here is not about maintaining a one-sided relationship, though, where I go only to talk to him; He speaks back and often in surprising ways. Sometimes a butterfly will fly around my head, an animal will stare at me as if it is smiling, or the trees whisper an irrevocable sweetness that calms my soul. Hearing His voice is certainly not over-rated, but sensing His pleasure is indescribable.

One early morning I retreated to this place for a jog and ten minutes in I found myself in the grass, on my knees in worship. Another morning during a jog I could not wipe the smile off my face. During a jog one evening in 75 degree weather my body remained in chills at the thoughts of Him. My favorite jog of all, though, is when the joy of the Lord overwhelms me with laughter. Sometimes the sudden laughter is so intense I have to stop just to catch my breath!

Nature has always captivated me, but this past month has taken me farther than the finite beauties and into a place of infinity where possibilities are endless. The sun reminds me to let my light shine. The sky reminds me there are no limits. The birds sing of the lullabies God sings over me. The grass reminds me of the real foundation upon which my feet firmly stand. Trees encourage me to stand tall and remain strong in the faith. The cleanliness of water excites my need for a Savior. And the list goes on.

The supremacy of Christ has caused me to look beyond what is seen. It has brought me to a deeper and fuller knowledge of God’s love. Bedtime is not simply the last routine thing I do anymore; it is an opportunity to ponder what surprises await me for tomorrow. Tomorrow is not only a new day of discovery, but a time for divine encounter with the Father of love.