A few months ago I recognized my heart was boiling with a certain desire. Such a desire, in fact, I found myself crawling before the Lord, almost daily, asking Him to bless my life with it. He told me my desire was in His will and said He desires to give me the desires of my heart. He even showed me how my life will be enriched by this gift. The only thing He told me that I wasn't happy with was that I'd have to. . . wait.
I'm always grateful when God speaks to me so intimately, and especially in this case, but I almost wish He would have held off on giving me this particular desire because it's so hard to wait.
The desire has gotten so intense that it's in my mind constantly; not an idol, but a persistent desire that I've chosen to pray a lot about. It's sometimes paralyzing because the moment I think about it I'm lost in the dream-in such anticipation that can't catch my breath. I want it so bad that I've been struggling to imagine life without it. Could I really enjoy my life without this?
It races in my mind all day as I am reminded of it nearly every where I go. I want it, I want it, I want it; but the Lord says wait, wait wait.
I actually got to a place tonight where I finally wore myself out thinking about it so much. I decided to retreat to my favorite place and just talk with Daddy about it. No more hiding behind the truth of my heart, no more acting as if the desire wasn't eating at my soul. I wanted to be completely transparent with my mind and heart. I needed to spill my guts.
So, I did. And He met me there. Here's what He said:
How big am I?
I desire to give you great things, Kellie.
Trust me.
Wait.
I know why He asked me the first question. Already I had begun to limit His sovreignty and dismiss the fact that He could help me deal with the "extras" that came along with the desire, like the constant thoughts and feelings of anticipation. But like the gentle guy He is He asked me if He is too big to help me, not only with the thoughts and feelings, but with waiting. My heart knew the answer, but my mind didn't. Thankfully, a few moments later I said, "Of course not, Lord..." and received yet another revelation of God's amazing love.
An hour and a half later, I was more than content with hearing from the Lord. But as I walked back home, just enjoying the stars, I heard God ask me another question:
"Kellie, do you need this?"
God can be so humorous sometimes. I sensed the fatherly tone He used when asking me the question. I actually pictured Him sitting me down, gently looking into my eyes and firmly asking the question. And again, I got the humility check. Yet, it's interesting. . . The "Who am I to you?" question never seems to get old. I can always use the reminder.
My answer to the question was no and before I had time to question the word that just came out of my mouth I realized something. This desire of mine is something I can live without. I don't want to live without it and will not have to someday, but for now all I want to truly desire is Jesus.
And I do. He is sufficient.
"And earth has nothing I desire besides you."
Wow. What a great lesson from Psalm 73. Jesus is enough.
I knew Jesus was enough in my heart, but my mind was telling me otherwise. Fighting to keep them both in place can be a struggle, and in this particular regard it has been a big one for me. But tonight was the night I fully surrendered my desire. It's His again. And He can bless me with my heart's desire when He is ready.
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2 comments:
Hey Kellie... I loved reading your post. I think we all can relate in some way. I was actually just talking about this with a friend the other day. Personally I have found that the waiting process is essential. The delays that we face in getting what we want and desire in my opinion are what shape us into who we need to be to handle whatever is going to be given to us. If you think about it it’s actually a beautiful process, I know it may not seem like it now though. It is neat though, because God has already confirmed to that He’s going to grant you that desire, so all you have do is pass the “wait period.” ;)
God Bless!!
Hey girl!
Yeah, I think waiting is a struggle for every one. We live in a mentality of "I want it now!"
You are absolutely right. And God has purposefully caused me to wait for things in the past-what I've gained during those times is intimacy with Him. The original longing is still there, but a new desire for Jesus grows...
In a way, I love that He does this because it shows me that He is pursuing me because He wants me to pursue Him. He wants to pour Himself over me in a fresh way and reveal more secrets to me. Our relationship is completely covenental and His love through the entire waiting period is almost tangible!
So, I say all of that to say, although waiting is SO hard-it is SO worth it!
Thanks for your comment! I'm grateful you enjoyed it :)
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