Fighting to fight the good fight

Is any one else experiencing this?
Am I the only one who is fighting to fight the good fight????

There's been a lot of tension in my spiritual life this past week. I've been SO excited to experience deeper intimacy with the Lord and even have, but as soon as I make the choice to enter into worship the devil is right there shutting me up or whispering lies. When I begin to engage in worship sometimes, out of nowhere, I'll completely shut down- mind, mouth, and movement. It's a powerful experience that leaves me feeling frusterated because I find myself confused, wondering what I was even praying for and why. Thankfully, I've been able to discern this latest attempt to destroy me through distraction, but you wanna honestly know something? It pisses me off! The devil pisses me off!

Recently I was at a prayer meeting where I was blown away by the prayer warriors in the Army of God... but instead of walking away encouraged with a deeper faith, I walked away discouraged, wondering why I couldn't recite scripture like every one else.

For a long time I struggled like Jeremiah. My mind simply could not comprehend while the God of all creation would want to and use some one like me. I'm a far cry from perfect and felt I had nothing to offer the kingdom of God or the kingdom of darkness (for salvation sake). I went back and forth with the Lord JUST like Jeremiah did in the first chapter. I was convinced my 20 years of life would only depress people instead of encourage them. I allowed people to walk all over me my entire life and use my age as the determining factor of my intelligence (what a LOAD of crap)... "You're 18 years old... You're 20 years old..." and even now, "You're 22 years old, what do you know?"

It took a mighty word from the Lord to barely comprehend what I could offer Jesus and others. It took His love to break that vicious lie and the power of His transformation to make this 22-year old have something to say that WILL benefit someone else. Along with the grace of God and a few other revelations, here's what God bodly spoke to me and what completely changed my mindset:
"Don't let any one look down on you because you're young. But instead, set an example for the believers in speech, life, love, faith and purity."1 Timothy 4:12

I fell in love with that scripture and I now claim it, but lately I've been struggling to keep fighting the good fight Paul urges us to fight and when I struggle to fight for this good fight of faith I struggle with my divine calling to set an example, because it's rooted from faith. You gotta know that I love Jesus with all my heart... I WANT to be this example, and I WANT to keep fighting. It's just hard sometimes.

The minute my mouth wants to open for prayer the devil closes it and tells me I don't pray well enough. I'm constantly being picked at, sinking into the destructive realm of discouragement. The whispers get louder and louder and my mouth gets quieter and quieter. The king of darkness pushes me further and further into the hole and makes me think my prayer life is not working because it's not as good as some one else's. When I continue to hear the same words out of my mouth during prayer he whispers that I'm not an authentic Christian because sometimes I declare the exact same prayer every day. Then he tells me they aren't doing any good. It's such crap. He is attacking me EVERY WHERE and I am SO tired of it!!!!!!

Admist the warfare I heard the Lord speak "resist the devil and he will flee from you".
Okay. Great. Amen! Thanks Lord!

His word is just what I needed to hear, but let me just say, it's unbelievably challenging and quite frankly irritating to struggle during the resisting part! My persona has a natural fight inclination already, thankfully only for the Kingdom's sake, but what is normally a simple task for me (kicking the devil to the curb without a second thought) is now extremely difficult. Usually, I can recognize his craftiness right away and rebuke it, but now he's sneaking in EVERY crack that's available in my life and using it to his advantage. It's like he's one of those kittens that attaches themselves to a couch with their new claws. They remain clinging to the one thing that will sustain them until someone pulls them off. Only for us, PRAYER and keeping intimacy with Jesus is what pulls the devil off our back. Resisting him and our flesh is our way of releasing his grip on us. WE have to make the choice to fight him and trust God to perfect his strength in our weakness. Ah, the glory of the Lord! Halleluiah!

This is strong spiritual warfare... I'm completely struggling to NOT let the devil reign. Truth is, fighting to fight can be mentally exhausting. It has the potential to suck every passionate drop of vigor out of you and can actually leave you in a fighting mindset; one that compliments and entertains wordly thoughts instead of godly ones. Battling the enemy and fighting for blessings is by far the most difficult supernatural encounter I've ever had to face because my heart and mind are at war. I can always appreciate the experience in perseverance, though!

One thing is for sure: I am SICK and TIRED of him messing with me. The games are way old by now. I so desperately want to use the faith I developed during my cancer trial to BEAT HIM DOWN just like I did then! Only through screaming him off and declaring scripture was I able to receive the healing God had for me. I want that back. I pray for the strength to hang on and not give in. The devil is trying to destroy my prayer life because he knows prayer is his biggest threat in me and others. I'm sure he remembers how God won the battle and healed me of cancer through my faith and fervent prayer... so of course he's going to try and shut me down and keep me from praying. News for him: My name means warrior and you better believe I'm not giving in without a fight!

Through all of this I've learned that the Lord desires so much out of me. He wants me to remember Paul and beat my body and make it my slave soas to win others for Christ's sake. I choose to wake up early and pray on behalf of the lost. I choose to surrender to the Christ in me and use my body in whatever way is needed to serve others. God himself has called me to a deeper prayer life and He's waiting on me to dig deeper-it's been confirmed by other people. I'm thankful it didn't take super long for me to realize these trials can also create testimonies that will further influence a generation. WOW!

I'm ready to quit praising the devil and keep praising God for His protection from temptation, discernment, goodness, and all of the above! I'm ready to quit telling you how big the struggle is with spiritual warfare and remind myself and you how BIG our God is!
I'm gonna keep fightin' y'all! I appreciate your prayer support! :)