Soooo... did I ever mention that "transition" is my middle name?
There have been so many wonderful changes in my life that have brought me so close to my Father's heart, that I can't help but do anything but offer thanks and surrender to that "fearful" future with a fearless faith. Here's the latest season of transition...
Months ago the Lord began pressing my heart about working. When I came to Regent, I was set against working AT ALL because my grades inevitably drop so much doing school and work together. (being a perfectionist about my grades doesn't help much) I basically boxed the Lord in a corner and said, "I'm willingly going to Virginia Beach and will study and Regent, but I will NOT work and put myself through this stress again, so you just need to find a way to provide for me, cause I will not work again until I finish this degree at full-time status that I've been busting my butt for over the past 4 years". I can't help but laugh because no sooner than 8-9 months later He shifted my perspective completely and gave me a desire to work full-time again. Not only that, I was actually okay with going part-time or taking another year off. I remember being like, "uhh... God, what are you doing and what in the world is ahead, because this is SO not me!"
But, you have to know, I absolutely HATE debt. I have one credit card, and I HATE using it; it’s for emergencies ONLY. And with the student health insurance that only covers 80% (which was a blessing because I had no other way to have health insurance), and all of my health issues this year, I racked up tons of medical bills that I had to charge because I didn’t have the money to pay for them. Then, I went to Africa for a missions trip and had to unexpectedly dish out about $1,500 out of pocket at the last minute, so my card is at a much higher debt amount than I EVER expected or wanted it to be. So right now, I’m OVERLY happy to be able to work and pay it off, and to try and pay off some of my school debt… so I can get more of that to finish my Bachelor’s degree haha. But seriously, I also believe the Lord doesn't want me to enter marriage with loads of debt. So, all of this is good. And I mean, GOOD.
The Lord also reminded me that I'm not in Virginia Beach only to be a student at Regent. I'm here as a testimony to having the young adult friends in my life I prayed two years for, ministry opportunities, the leadership I've been stepping into in church, the ranch that God used to fulfill my dream of riding horses, along with a few other life impacting reasons. I've been sensing that He has more in store for me in this upcoming year; so much more that I couldn't take part in all of the treasures of heaven if I was in school this year. So, to say the least, I've been prepared for transition towards the end of 2008.
Here’s context of what I was dealing with before I got the news of my Gram's death…
Since I’m not taking classes this year, I can’t stay in on-campus housing (didn’t want to, anyway). I filled out a vacate notice and needed to be out by September 1st. Since I felt God leading me to be alone for another short season, I needed to find an apartment. Since I’m living on my own, I needed a full-time job to pay rent and bills. At this point, I’d applied for about 12 different jobs in the past two weeks with no response. My hope was to work full-time at Regent (because I LOVE this University), CBN or Founders Inn so I could get tuition reimbursement and go back to school next year (unless God brings a miracle, that’s the only thing that’s going to pay for the rest of my schooling). I was getting frustrated because the jobs that are going to pay for my expenses to live alone in this area all require a Bachelor’s degree… and I’m like, “uhh, I’m trying to get there! I’m 23 and I’ve only been working on my Bachelor’s for the past five years…” So, I was getting discouraged thinking I’m going to get a low paying job that won’t cover all my monthly expenses, and that I’ll continue this 5-yr cycle of not being able to finish my degree because I don’t have the money… I finally just got to the point where I’m like “Lord, will I EVER get a break?!” I started feeling much like those righteous people who suffer and watch the wicked prosper that the Bible talks to much about. Thankfully, it reminded me that those wicked people who prosper financially are chasing the wind because in the end, none of it matters because they won’t spend eternity with Jesus. At least I was comforted knowing that my Savior is walking through this with me and because I know Him He will provide for my needs, some way, some how.
So, at this point, I was getting a little concerned because I had less than a month to get a full time job and find a place to live. But I’m working full-time at the ranch until the last week of August (when camp season ends) b/c I needed SOME kind of income to hold me over until I get a job, so I only have the evenings to do all of my job and apartment hunting, along with packing up my current apartment. So, the weariness and frustrations were kicking in big time.
Then, Tuesday night, August 5th my dad called me crying and told me my Gram died. She had Parkinson’s, and was progressively getting worse this past year. Her death was somewhat expected, but I guess I never thought it would happen this soon. She was only 78. After Dad and I hung up, I was frozen for 15 minutes. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, and had no idea where I was (it’s a good thing I was in my room near my chair). This is the first death in my family I’ve ever experienced, so I’m still processing this death thing. I kept replaying the intimate conversations I’ve had with my Gram this past year, about life, the Lord, the future, etc. To give you an idea of how close she and I grew over the past few years, this past Christmas, when she was still bed-ridden at home, she asked me tons of questions about the Lord and was very complacent about the fact that she didn’t understand why she was suffering and God was okay with it. (She went to church all her life, read her Bible every day, and was developing a much closer relationship with God her last few years) We talked about all of it for a good hour and a half, and then I prayed with her. She kept telling me how inspired by me she is, and how proud of me she is. She never forgot to tell me how much she loved me—that I’d never had a clue how much she loves me—and just how darn proud of me she’s always been. I never walked away from her questioning my value to her, and it made me feel so good. And she was so excited I went to college, and always told me she prayed she’d make it to see my graduation. When that day comes one day, you'll understand why the tears will be flowing.
The Holy Spirit told me immediately my Dad needed me (he is single and lives alone, although my grampa lives across the street), so I packed up right away and drove the 8 hours home to PA the following morning. After I packed the car and got ready to leave in the morning, I prayed for my trip home, that I’d have the strength to make the drive alone without breaking down while driving (that could be dangerous). I had a few tears shed, but nothing that kept me from driving safely. So I got home, and um the Holy Spirit was right; Daddy was a mess, and he had to make all the funeral arrangements. I didn’t leave his side the entire time. We scheduled the viewing/funeral arrangements together, went to pick out flowers from the entire family, scheduled the funeral meal, and found places to house family from out of state. It was one of the hardest and busiest times of my life. I lost a lot of physical and emotional energy fast, along with more money I didn’t have (there wasn’t enough to cover all of the flower/food/housing expenses) , and was still concerned about and praying for my other circumstances in Virginia Beach. But my main prayer was to have supernatural strength to be there for my unsaved family, (while grieving myself) and to have opportunity to share God’s love with the rest of the family. They needed Jesus and me, and I was going to do whatever it took to be there for them. By far, in much abundance, my prayer was answered. While it was difficult week, I felt the prayers of many for me and my family, and I watched God weeding out unbelief in my family—about eternity, Jesus, and the entire Christian life. I had the opportunity to answer many questions my family asked about God and life, and shared the Gospel with them. What a privilege… Gram would have loved to know that God brought good out of her death.
Inbetween all the arrangements for Gram’s funeral, I was applying for full-time jobs online. Since I didn’t have time to do it before I left, I brought my laptop to transport my resume to my flash drive so I could send it online on my mom’s computer. Right after I turned to put the flash drive in her computer, her dog jumped on my computer and busted the entire keyboard. Keys were flying everywhere and tons of little pieces were missing. I’m not one to freak out in situations like that, and I didn’t, but that was just the icing on the cake… the last thing I needed while the rest of my life was all out of order… Mom and I picked up all the pieces, I took it to a computer wizard my dad knows, who told me my laptop was fine but I needed to purchase a new keyboard for it. By now, you have to understand I was really beginning to feel like Job, like everything I had was being taken from me (even though I knew there was another plan. I’d never experienced THIS much material and physical loss at one time so I was extremely overwhelmed) so I remember thinking “Great, one more thing to add to the list. More money I need to dish out that I don’t have…” In the end, this has all taught me a great lesson (more on that later), but in the moment I just had it. I was over it. I was beyond ready for God to come through any day…
It doesn’t help that my heart always breaks for the lack of finances in my family. It’s a struggle for them to even eat, let alone pay the mortgage and for gas to get to work. They don’t get to enjoy the things I have as a woman, like getting our hair done every once in a while, getting a manicure, or enjoying a nice meal at a restaurant. So every time I go back, I find myself pouring out what I have just to let them enjoy life a little, and get their minds off of the financial burdens. It kills me to see them struggle so much, especially when both my parents are disabled, and don’t receive enough money from the state to cover their needs. Living in a 2 stop light town doesn't give you much opportunity to make decent money, and it's hard to pick up and move without money... So when something as huge as a death in the family occurs, the financial necessity to cover burial/funeral arrangements takes a toll even more. This is only the beginning of their financial hardships though; there has been a financial curse on my entire family for generations that needs to be broken, so I’ve been interceding in prayer. Now I just wait to see God work the details out. He’ll do it, but I know He’s pressing them to BELIEVE He can and will do it. They have a part in God's plan, too.
So, after going through Gram’s house and cleaning it all out, Grampa told my sister and I that Gram had boxed up tons of her things for us to split evenly. It was exhausting and emotionally draining going through all of her stuff in a few days and packing it up, but it really was a blessing in disquise. I inherited brand new queen size bedding (I have a queen bed) with expensive pillows, brand new towels, all of her pans and dishes (she was an amazing cook and baker), clothes, cosmetics, soaps, lotions, etc., even cute flannels that fit me perfectly that I can wear in the winter at the ranch. I came back to Virginia Beach with a car packed full of stuff, and that’s only the first load. Of course, since I started packing my apartment in preparation to move, I have boxes stacked up in my room already, so when I brought her things in, it left me with a nice little path to my bed ;)
Well, that’s the story of my life in the past two weeks… to those of you who said God laid me on your heart, I think now you understand why ;)
More on the exciting journey ahead…
There have been so many wonderful changes in my life that have brought me so close to my Father's heart, that I can't help but do anything but offer thanks and surrender to that "fearful" future with a fearless faith. Here's the latest season of transition...
Months ago the Lord began pressing my heart about working. When I came to Regent, I was set against working AT ALL because my grades inevitably drop so much doing school and work together. (being a perfectionist about my grades doesn't help much) I basically boxed the Lord in a corner and said, "I'm willingly going to Virginia Beach and will study and Regent, but I will NOT work and put myself through this stress again, so you just need to find a way to provide for me, cause I will not work again until I finish this degree at full-time status that I've been busting my butt for over the past 4 years". I can't help but laugh because no sooner than 8-9 months later He shifted my perspective completely and gave me a desire to work full-time again. Not only that, I was actually okay with going part-time or taking another year off. I remember being like, "uhh... God, what are you doing and what in the world is ahead, because this is SO not me!"
But, you have to know, I absolutely HATE debt. I have one credit card, and I HATE using it; it’s for emergencies ONLY. And with the student health insurance that only covers 80% (which was a blessing because I had no other way to have health insurance), and all of my health issues this year, I racked up tons of medical bills that I had to charge because I didn’t have the money to pay for them. Then, I went to Africa for a missions trip and had to unexpectedly dish out about $1,500 out of pocket at the last minute, so my card is at a much higher debt amount than I EVER expected or wanted it to be. So right now, I’m OVERLY happy to be able to work and pay it off, and to try and pay off some of my school debt… so I can get more of that to finish my Bachelor’s degree haha. But seriously, I also believe the Lord doesn't want me to enter marriage with loads of debt. So, all of this is good. And I mean, GOOD.
The Lord also reminded me that I'm not in Virginia Beach only to be a student at Regent. I'm here as a testimony to having the young adult friends in my life I prayed two years for, ministry opportunities, the leadership I've been stepping into in church, the ranch that God used to fulfill my dream of riding horses, along with a few other life impacting reasons. I've been sensing that He has more in store for me in this upcoming year; so much more that I couldn't take part in all of the treasures of heaven if I was in school this year. So, to say the least, I've been prepared for transition towards the end of 2008.
Here’s context of what I was dealing with before I got the news of my Gram's death…
Since I’m not taking classes this year, I can’t stay in on-campus housing (didn’t want to, anyway). I filled out a vacate notice and needed to be out by September 1st. Since I felt God leading me to be alone for another short season, I needed to find an apartment. Since I’m living on my own, I needed a full-time job to pay rent and bills. At this point, I’d applied for about 12 different jobs in the past two weeks with no response. My hope was to work full-time at Regent (because I LOVE this University), CBN or Founders Inn so I could get tuition reimbursement and go back to school next year (unless God brings a miracle, that’s the only thing that’s going to pay for the rest of my schooling). I was getting frustrated because the jobs that are going to pay for my expenses to live alone in this area all require a Bachelor’s degree… and I’m like, “uhh, I’m trying to get there! I’m 23 and I’ve only been working on my Bachelor’s for the past five years…” So, I was getting discouraged thinking I’m going to get a low paying job that won’t cover all my monthly expenses, and that I’ll continue this 5-yr cycle of not being able to finish my degree because I don’t have the money… I finally just got to the point where I’m like “Lord, will I EVER get a break?!” I started feeling much like those righteous people who suffer and watch the wicked prosper that the Bible talks to much about. Thankfully, it reminded me that those wicked people who prosper financially are chasing the wind because in the end, none of it matters because they won’t spend eternity with Jesus. At least I was comforted knowing that my Savior is walking through this with me and because I know Him He will provide for my needs, some way, some how.
So, at this point, I was getting a little concerned because I had less than a month to get a full time job and find a place to live. But I’m working full-time at the ranch until the last week of August (when camp season ends) b/c I needed SOME kind of income to hold me over until I get a job, so I only have the evenings to do all of my job and apartment hunting, along with packing up my current apartment. So, the weariness and frustrations were kicking in big time.
Then, Tuesday night, August 5th my dad called me crying and told me my Gram died. She had Parkinson’s, and was progressively getting worse this past year. Her death was somewhat expected, but I guess I never thought it would happen this soon. She was only 78. After Dad and I hung up, I was frozen for 15 minutes. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, and had no idea where I was (it’s a good thing I was in my room near my chair). This is the first death in my family I’ve ever experienced, so I’m still processing this death thing. I kept replaying the intimate conversations I’ve had with my Gram this past year, about life, the Lord, the future, etc. To give you an idea of how close she and I grew over the past few years, this past Christmas, when she was still bed-ridden at home, she asked me tons of questions about the Lord and was very complacent about the fact that she didn’t understand why she was suffering and God was okay with it. (She went to church all her life, read her Bible every day, and was developing a much closer relationship with God her last few years) We talked about all of it for a good hour and a half, and then I prayed with her. She kept telling me how inspired by me she is, and how proud of me she is. She never forgot to tell me how much she loved me—that I’d never had a clue how much she loves me—and just how darn proud of me she’s always been. I never walked away from her questioning my value to her, and it made me feel so good. And she was so excited I went to college, and always told me she prayed she’d make it to see my graduation. When that day comes one day, you'll understand why the tears will be flowing.
The Holy Spirit told me immediately my Dad needed me (he is single and lives alone, although my grampa lives across the street), so I packed up right away and drove the 8 hours home to PA the following morning. After I packed the car and got ready to leave in the morning, I prayed for my trip home, that I’d have the strength to make the drive alone without breaking down while driving (that could be dangerous). I had a few tears shed, but nothing that kept me from driving safely. So I got home, and um the Holy Spirit was right; Daddy was a mess, and he had to make all the funeral arrangements. I didn’t leave his side the entire time. We scheduled the viewing/funeral arrangements together, went to pick out flowers from the entire family, scheduled the funeral meal, and found places to house family from out of state. It was one of the hardest and busiest times of my life. I lost a lot of physical and emotional energy fast, along with more money I didn’t have (there wasn’t enough to cover all of the flower/food/housing expenses) , and was still concerned about and praying for my other circumstances in Virginia Beach. But my main prayer was to have supernatural strength to be there for my unsaved family, (while grieving myself) and to have opportunity to share God’s love with the rest of the family. They needed Jesus and me, and I was going to do whatever it took to be there for them. By far, in much abundance, my prayer was answered. While it was difficult week, I felt the prayers of many for me and my family, and I watched God weeding out unbelief in my family—about eternity, Jesus, and the entire Christian life. I had the opportunity to answer many questions my family asked about God and life, and shared the Gospel with them. What a privilege… Gram would have loved to know that God brought good out of her death.
Inbetween all the arrangements for Gram’s funeral, I was applying for full-time jobs online. Since I didn’t have time to do it before I left, I brought my laptop to transport my resume to my flash drive so I could send it online on my mom’s computer. Right after I turned to put the flash drive in her computer, her dog jumped on my computer and busted the entire keyboard. Keys were flying everywhere and tons of little pieces were missing. I’m not one to freak out in situations like that, and I didn’t, but that was just the icing on the cake… the last thing I needed while the rest of my life was all out of order… Mom and I picked up all the pieces, I took it to a computer wizard my dad knows, who told me my laptop was fine but I needed to purchase a new keyboard for it. By now, you have to understand I was really beginning to feel like Job, like everything I had was being taken from me (even though I knew there was another plan. I’d never experienced THIS much material and physical loss at one time so I was extremely overwhelmed) so I remember thinking “Great, one more thing to add to the list. More money I need to dish out that I don’t have…” In the end, this has all taught me a great lesson (more on that later), but in the moment I just had it. I was over it. I was beyond ready for God to come through any day…
It doesn’t help that my heart always breaks for the lack of finances in my family. It’s a struggle for them to even eat, let alone pay the mortgage and for gas to get to work. They don’t get to enjoy the things I have as a woman, like getting our hair done every once in a while, getting a manicure, or enjoying a nice meal at a restaurant. So every time I go back, I find myself pouring out what I have just to let them enjoy life a little, and get their minds off of the financial burdens. It kills me to see them struggle so much, especially when both my parents are disabled, and don’t receive enough money from the state to cover their needs. Living in a 2 stop light town doesn't give you much opportunity to make decent money, and it's hard to pick up and move without money... So when something as huge as a death in the family occurs, the financial necessity to cover burial/funeral arrangements takes a toll even more. This is only the beginning of their financial hardships though; there has been a financial curse on my entire family for generations that needs to be broken, so I’ve been interceding in prayer. Now I just wait to see God work the details out. He’ll do it, but I know He’s pressing them to BELIEVE He can and will do it. They have a part in God's plan, too.
So, after going through Gram’s house and cleaning it all out, Grampa told my sister and I that Gram had boxed up tons of her things for us to split evenly. It was exhausting and emotionally draining going through all of her stuff in a few days and packing it up, but it really was a blessing in disquise. I inherited brand new queen size bedding (I have a queen bed) with expensive pillows, brand new towels, all of her pans and dishes (she was an amazing cook and baker), clothes, cosmetics, soaps, lotions, etc., even cute flannels that fit me perfectly that I can wear in the winter at the ranch. I came back to Virginia Beach with a car packed full of stuff, and that’s only the first load. Of course, since I started packing my apartment in preparation to move, I have boxes stacked up in my room already, so when I brought her things in, it left me with a nice little path to my bed ;)
Well, that’s the story of my life in the past two weeks… to those of you who said God laid me on your heart, I think now you understand why ;)
More on the exciting journey ahead…
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