As I was finally unpacking from my trip home for Christmas, and cleaning up my apartment, I had the IHOP (International House of Prayer in Kansas City) Conference broadcasting live online. The theme this year is focusing on teaching about and being prepared for the end times... a vital area of my Christian life I need and want to understand more. I took an hour to read Mike Bickle's notes on the signs of the end times and said to myself, "Why has this part slipped through the cracks with me? It's the entire purpose of why I love and live the way I do!" I was shocked at how much I forgot.
Hearing Mike Bickle, Lou Engle, Allen Hood, and the rest of these apostolic leaders and prophets in the church STIRS me. I want more. I want to go deeper in the Word, reach higher, and learn more. My soul and body tremble at the thought of knowing God at even a fuller capacity. My bones need more worship and more fellowship. I've only been out of Bible Classes for five months, but my mind and mouth are parched; I'm thirsty for deep knowledge and teaching again.
Lord, you are birthing a monumental movement I know you are calling me to be a part of. Baptize me afresh with your love. Saturate me with an outpouring of the Kingdom of Heaven. Teacher, give me more wisdom, insight and understanding into your Word. Let me learn from Your examples and receive teaching from Your Holy Spirit. Surround me with godly teachers, who can hear your heartbeat and know how to access heaven on earth. Bring mentors into my life for me to learn and grow from. Provide me with more prophetic training and give me opportunities to continue exercising my gifts. I ask for more discernment. Help me to always stay sensitive to your Spirit. Holy Teacher YOU are who I adore. YOU are who I desire to mirror. Continue leading and guiding me into the depths of Your heart. I hear You whispering, I feel you carrying me and I trust your guidance. May I walk in obedience to your calling for my life, and stay surrendered to Your will at all times. May I resist temptation to remain stagnant, and walk faithfully. May my heart remain knitted deeply with yours. I love you, Abba.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
2008 Christmas Letter to Family and Friends
[Now you KNOW these letters only come once a year, so I KNOW you're expecting it to be somewhat long ;) ]
Dear Family and Friends,
It’s hard to believe it’s this redeeming time of year again! What an especially overwhelming, joyful time of year Christmas is to me. If it weren’t for God, who stripped Himself of His ultimate divinity and became a human, serving God for 33 years, all to be crucified on a cross so that my sins can be accounted for and I can be in relationship with God Almighty, I assure you I would not be alive to write you this letter.
2008 has been a year of life-long dreams fulfilled for me, as well as another year of preparation. In February, while still taking full-time classes at Regent University, I was introduced by a friend to Triple-R-Ranch, a local Christian ranch. I missed country life so much and wanted to be a part of the ministry there, so I began volunteering every Saturday for nearly 12 hours a day grooming, feeding, and saddling over 75 horses in the barn, assisting trail rides, and ministering to the children and junior staff. Without expecting it at all, as a thank-you the horsemanship director put me in a 10-wk riding lesson where I learned how to ride—a life long dream I have kept hidden in my heart. God not only remembered, but fulfilled the dream I had since I was a little girl. I’ll never be able to describe the joy and thanksgiving in my heart for that dream fulfilled!
That same month, as an undergraduate student, I was offered a part time position at Regent as the Editor of Focus Magazine, Regent’s graduate student magazine. The Chair of the Department of Journalism recognized my writing gift, published several of my articles in the magazine, and later offered me a position editing articles from students with a higher level of education than me. I worked there for a few months until the funds ran out and the magazine was left on stand still. It was a tremendous privilege to have my articles published in that magazine and later edit it.
In April, my video, salvation testimony was aired worldwide on the 700 Club at Christian Broadcasting Network. Dr. Pat Robertson and his co-worker, Terri, introduced my story. A few days later, I received a phone call stating that thousands of people all over the world called in and gave their lives to Jesus Christ. I wept in thanksgiving! They aired the story again at Thanksgiving, and because it was one of the only 700 Club stories that brought so many people to Christ, CBN decided to air it periodically throughout the year on Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN), along with the 700 Club. Recently, I even had some of my old, party friends in Pennsylvania contact me saying they were flipping channels, saw my story and could hardly believe how much I have changed! Praise God! (you can see it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R40vJSdPCl4)
Dear Family and Friends,
It’s hard to believe it’s this redeeming time of year again! What an especially overwhelming, joyful time of year Christmas is to me. If it weren’t for God, who stripped Himself of His ultimate divinity and became a human, serving God for 33 years, all to be crucified on a cross so that my sins can be accounted for and I can be in relationship with God Almighty, I assure you I would not be alive to write you this letter.
2008 has been a year of life-long dreams fulfilled for me, as well as another year of preparation. In February, while still taking full-time classes at Regent University, I was introduced by a friend to Triple-R-Ranch, a local Christian ranch. I missed country life so much and wanted to be a part of the ministry there, so I began volunteering every Saturday for nearly 12 hours a day grooming, feeding, and saddling over 75 horses in the barn, assisting trail rides, and ministering to the children and junior staff. Without expecting it at all, as a thank-you the horsemanship director put me in a 10-wk riding lesson where I learned how to ride—a life long dream I have kept hidden in my heart. God not only remembered, but fulfilled the dream I had since I was a little girl. I’ll never be able to describe the joy and thanksgiving in my heart for that dream fulfilled!
That same month, as an undergraduate student, I was offered a part time position at Regent as the Editor of Focus Magazine, Regent’s graduate student magazine. The Chair of the Department of Journalism recognized my writing gift, published several of my articles in the magazine, and later offered me a position editing articles from students with a higher level of education than me. I worked there for a few months until the funds ran out and the magazine was left on stand still. It was a tremendous privilege to have my articles published in that magazine and later edit it.
In April, my video, salvation testimony was aired worldwide on the 700 Club at Christian Broadcasting Network. Dr. Pat Robertson and his co-worker, Terri, introduced my story. A few days later, I received a phone call stating that thousands of people all over the world called in and gave their lives to Jesus Christ. I wept in thanksgiving! They aired the story again at Thanksgiving, and because it was one of the only 700 Club stories that brought so many people to Christ, CBN decided to air it periodically throughout the year on Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN), along with the 700 Club. Recently, I even had some of my old, party friends in Pennsylvania contact me saying they were flipping channels, saw my story and could hardly believe how much I have changed! Praise God! (you can see it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R40vJSdPCl4)
We welcomed my first niece into the world in May! Alianna Grace was delivered in good health by my sister, Shannon. Her first son, Colton, turns 6 this year. I loving being an aunt :)
Over the summer, I was offered a full time position at the ranch, and after a rigorous training program (for me, anyway) became certified as a Western Horseback Riding Instructor. It was extremely difficult being in school full-time in the summer and working full-time (let alone for 10 hours a day manual labor, in jeans, boots, and a cowboy hat in 95-100 degree weather), but with God’s grace I finished the summer semester with straight A’s, while ministering to and praying with at least 15 of my girls to first receive Jesus as their Savior. It was so worth it!
In July, I moved on the opportunity to minister deep in the villages of Macha, Zambia, Africa. This was my first missions trip, and for two weeks, I stayed alone with a woman in a hut in a village with no power, clean water, or toilets or showers. Every morning the rooster woke us up at 6am, we walked a half mile to fetch water that had to be boiled for morning tea, went to the bathroom in a hole in the ground, bathed in a bucket, and ate goat and fish, two foods I am still learning to like ;) To many different age groups I preached, taught, gave testimonies, performed in a drama, introduced clown ministry, face painted, sang and danced with the children, and witnessed hundreds of lives come to Christ, miraculous healings, and demon deliverance. My team included ten, young adult people of God whom I have grown extremely close to upon our return to the States. I returned so shaken that I was sincere when I told God I would “give it all up for the opportunity to go back”. He wasn’t late in answering that prayer, either!
When I returned to the United States in the middle of July, God stripped me of everything… school, money, housing, work, health insurance, my health, my grandmother, my favorite horse, and my car for a short while. I found out I didn’t have the money to go to school this year, which meant I had to move out of student housing and find a job. I was bummed about school, but knew I might not go because God had been speaking to me about “ministry” He had for me in the coming year. So the search started. It didn’t take me long to get frustrated because what apartment complex wants a jobless 23-year old? Finally, I just stared at the apartment guide and said to God “okay, what now?” He told me to go to Royal Pointe Apartments, I said okay, and when I walked in the office ladies told me they just started a special that day to accept anyone without restrictions, and they dropped the security deposit to $100 that day instead of the $800 most places wanted (and I didn’t have). I had a praisefest in the office, signed up and moved in a week later.
I slept on an air mattress, having no furniture, cable or internet for three months. It was truly a miracle that my bills got paid and the Dollar Tree could feed me! Eight to nine hours of my day were spent in Regent’s library searching online for jobs, writing cover letters and walking in resumes. No body wanted me even after I made follow-up phone calls, and I was denied a job at Crackerbarrel because I never gave a 2-wk notice when I worked there four years ago—talk about humbling! I wanted to work at Regent full-time because after working there for a year 100% of your tuition is paid, but no one wanted me there either. (That was God’s protection because recently, Dr. Robertson had to let go of hundreds of Regent employees because of economic conditions).
Some great news in the midst of a not-so-great time... After a month of prayer for my sister, Lona, to come home after being away for 15 years with a different family, she randomly called and wanted to come back home! She is 30 years old, unmarried, and occasionally still struggles with Epilepsy. I am praising the Lord that she's finally back home, reunited with her mom and sisters, and learning to stand on her own.
Just because I was going through what I was, I was not going to stop serving God—more than anything I needed to keep my eyes off of “me” and my situation. I continued to work Saturdays at the ranch teaching riding lessons to young girls and ministering to them; mentored an early teen volunteers at the ranch, volunteered more in the church, met with and ministered other young adults, and agreed to help lead New Life Providence Church’s first Women-Only life group. I wasn’t “employed”, but I was intentional about working hard every day to serve my Lord.
Three months after the beginning of my “Job” season, and endless hours of Craigslist searching, I was offered a dynamic position at a production company (music on-hold/video/jingles) nearby, exercising skills in my field of Journalism. The owner is even a Christian, close friends with the Robertson’s, and treats me exceptionally well. He had no idea my major was Journalism, and I had no idea the job I applied for (A/R, A/P) involved developing my writing/producing skills. A divine connection if I ever experienced one!
Also, this year I am helping to lead an all women’s life group within our church. God has continued to pour out His presence in our midst and reveal Himself powerfully to the women in our group. We’ve experienced breakthrough, deliverance, healing, all of the above! Included in our group is a once a month Naomi & Ruth gathering, where older women in the church come to mentor us and minister to us. And we also serve a single mom’s shelter once a month, spending time with the moms and playing with their kids.
Thank you for reading my testimonies and being a part of my life, whether in the past or present. I hope you are encouraged by the movement of God in our midst, and know that I love and care about you deeply. Someway, somehow, you have affected my life tremendously, and for that I honor you.
Knowing that our God is incredibly faithful and good, all the time, I pray you finish 2008 well, and are excited to experience His presence afresh in 2009. My prayer is that your year may be filled with a yearning and seeking to encounter your Savior in the fullest capacity, your faith continually increase, and your heart be completely surrendered to a crazy, awesome God who has a crazy, awesome plan for you in 2009.
Merry Christmas, and have an abundant New Year.
In His Love,
Kellie
Just because I was going through what I was, I was not going to stop serving God—more than anything I needed to keep my eyes off of “me” and my situation. I continued to work Saturdays at the ranch teaching riding lessons to young girls and ministering to them; mentored an early teen volunteers at the ranch, volunteered more in the church, met with and ministered other young adults, and agreed to help lead New Life Providence Church’s first Women-Only life group. I wasn’t “employed”, but I was intentional about working hard every day to serve my Lord.
Three months after the beginning of my “Job” season, and endless hours of Craigslist searching, I was offered a dynamic position at a production company (music on-hold/video/jingles) nearby, exercising skills in my field of Journalism. The owner is even a Christian, close friends with the Robertson’s, and treats me exceptionally well. He had no idea my major was Journalism, and I had no idea the job I applied for (A/R, A/P) involved developing my writing/producing skills. A divine connection if I ever experienced one!
Also, this year I am helping to lead an all women’s life group within our church. God has continued to pour out His presence in our midst and reveal Himself powerfully to the women in our group. We’ve experienced breakthrough, deliverance, healing, all of the above! Included in our group is a once a month Naomi & Ruth gathering, where older women in the church come to mentor us and minister to us. And we also serve a single mom’s shelter once a month, spending time with the moms and playing with their kids.
Thank you for reading my testimonies and being a part of my life, whether in the past or present. I hope you are encouraged by the movement of God in our midst, and know that I love and care about you deeply. Someway, somehow, you have affected my life tremendously, and for that I honor you.
Knowing that our God is incredibly faithful and good, all the time, I pray you finish 2008 well, and are excited to experience His presence afresh in 2009. My prayer is that your year may be filled with a yearning and seeking to encounter your Savior in the fullest capacity, your faith continually increase, and your heart be completely surrendered to a crazy, awesome God who has a crazy, awesome plan for you in 2009.
Merry Christmas, and have an abundant New Year.
In His Love,
Kellie
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Recognizing the Recognizable
Have you ever caught yourself forgetting the name of someone you’ve previously spent a lot of time with, or who has helped you in the past? If you have, you’ve probably questioned how you could forget someone who had such influence in your life. Recently, I went back to the ranch to help with a Christmas event. When I was assigning children to horses for pony rides, I accidentally caught myself calling one of the horses by a wrong name. I didn’t recognize her at all.
I haven’t had any time to spend at the ranch, or with the horses, in weeks. And even though I’ve known these horses for almost a year, I didn’t recognize Mercy, the very horse I rode first at this ranch. I called her Poco, who is a gelding! How could I have gotten those two mixed up?! They are not even the same gender!
Is it possible that we don’t recognize God because we don’t spend time with Him? Is it possible that when we get so caught up in the busyness of life, and we don’t intentionally position ourselves in His presence, we don’t see Him when He’s right in front of our face? Is it true that we can forget what we know to be true because we haven’t spent time exercising it?
Some of us complain so much because “God is not speaking to me”, “I can’t hear God”, “God isn’t doing as much for me as He is for you”, or “I don’t understand what He’s doing”. But, are we stopping to quiet ourselves and pray while expecting to visit with Jesus? Are we seeing with eternal eyes the little things God does for us on a daily basis? Are we truly recognizing Him? God is always speaking; are we LISTENING?
Unless you are spending enough time with Him to learn how He likes to surprise YOU, how He tends to teach YOU, how He answers YOUR prayers, and His methods for revealing your sin to YOU, you will never recognize His wondrous, miraculous and provisional ways, or the ways He reveals His presence to you in difficult times. It is very possible that God is telling you the answer to that prayer you’ve been praying is right in front of your face. Do yourself a favor: squash your unbelief, doubt and insecurity. Listen for His voice, recognize it, and obey it!
I believe that you are as close to God as you choose to be. You can’t let a wall of “stuff” block your view of Him or you will never experience Him in the capacity you were created to. I’m convinced you will miss a lot of what God does for you and how He provides for you if you don’t make time for Him, and if your eyes are fixed on something or someONE other than Him. Are you trusting Him wholeheartedly, and praying with expectation, or are you too distracted to experience intimacy with Him EVERY DAY? 90% of the time, you and I are the reason we can’t see or hear God. And you and I are the reason we don’t recognize Him like He wants us to. The problem isn’t God or His timing; it’s us and our distracted, stubborn hearts.
How much you recognize God in your life is rooted in your relationship with him. You can’t expect to know the Lord of Heaven, encounter Him supernaturally, and hear His voice daily if you don’t spend time with him. This is as practical as any human relationship. You’re in a heavenly marriage with your Creator—an intimate relationship that requires both parties to be actively and consistently involved. Don’t be stubborn like Pharaoh; pursue God radically like He pursues you. Maybe then you will recognize Him in His already recognizable self. Journey on!
I haven’t had any time to spend at the ranch, or with the horses, in weeks. And even though I’ve known these horses for almost a year, I didn’t recognize Mercy, the very horse I rode first at this ranch. I called her Poco, who is a gelding! How could I have gotten those two mixed up?! They are not even the same gender!
Is it possible that we don’t recognize God because we don’t spend time with Him? Is it possible that when we get so caught up in the busyness of life, and we don’t intentionally position ourselves in His presence, we don’t see Him when He’s right in front of our face? Is it true that we can forget what we know to be true because we haven’t spent time exercising it?
Some of us complain so much because “God is not speaking to me”, “I can’t hear God”, “God isn’t doing as much for me as He is for you”, or “I don’t understand what He’s doing”. But, are we stopping to quiet ourselves and pray while expecting to visit with Jesus? Are we seeing with eternal eyes the little things God does for us on a daily basis? Are we truly recognizing Him? God is always speaking; are we LISTENING?
Unless you are spending enough time with Him to learn how He likes to surprise YOU, how He tends to teach YOU, how He answers YOUR prayers, and His methods for revealing your sin to YOU, you will never recognize His wondrous, miraculous and provisional ways, or the ways He reveals His presence to you in difficult times. It is very possible that God is telling you the answer to that prayer you’ve been praying is right in front of your face. Do yourself a favor: squash your unbelief, doubt and insecurity. Listen for His voice, recognize it, and obey it!
I believe that you are as close to God as you choose to be. You can’t let a wall of “stuff” block your view of Him or you will never experience Him in the capacity you were created to. I’m convinced you will miss a lot of what God does for you and how He provides for you if you don’t make time for Him, and if your eyes are fixed on something or someONE other than Him. Are you trusting Him wholeheartedly, and praying with expectation, or are you too distracted to experience intimacy with Him EVERY DAY? 90% of the time, you and I are the reason we can’t see or hear God. And you and I are the reason we don’t recognize Him like He wants us to. The problem isn’t God or His timing; it’s us and our distracted, stubborn hearts.
How much you recognize God in your life is rooted in your relationship with him. You can’t expect to know the Lord of Heaven, encounter Him supernaturally, and hear His voice daily if you don’t spend time with him. This is as practical as any human relationship. You’re in a heavenly marriage with your Creator—an intimate relationship that requires both parties to be actively and consistently involved. Don’t be stubborn like Pharaoh; pursue God radically like He pursues you. Maybe then you will recognize Him in His already recognizable self. Journey on!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
From Trials to Thanks-giving
If nothing else this Thanksgiving, be thankful for the person you are becoming. Every day is a new day, with new mercies. The work being done in you is far more precious than any material thing because it offers hope to the hopeless. Your purpose in life involves experiencing trials of many kinds. You can't escape trouble and trials, so learn to embrace them.
I am truly thankful for what has seemed to be the hardest year of my LIFE. Moving here was a tremendous step of faith, but staying here has proven a much longer road of faith than I ever imagined. Everything I ever dreamed of is in my fingertips and in front of my face, and more than anything, the enemy wants to slip it out underneath my feet. I’ve been forced to cling, grasp and hold tight to Jesus in every area of my life, battling spiritual warfare and life’s frustrations left and right, but I gotta tell ya, it’s all been worth it. I’m eternally grateful that this past year was far from a waste; it has caused ME to die and Him to live, and the production of fruit that I can’t see. Most importantly, this past year has revealed God’s endless pursuit of ME. And to the Almighty Creator of the world to reveal His pursuing love to little ‘ol me, I am thankful beyond words.
Within the past four months, after serving in Africa for two weeks on a missions trip, God stripped me of EVERYthing—money, school, housing, work, health, car etc. I was nearly homeless, slept on an air mattress for three months after finding an apartment complex that would accept a jobless 23-yr old single woman, ate food from the Dollar Tree, couldn’t find a job for the life of me (I even got denied a serving job at Crackerbarrel b/c I didn’t give a two week notice when I left there four years ago…talk about humbling), got sick and couldn’t afford medications or doctor visits, all the while seeming to have every one of my friends fall off the face of the Earth. All of this on top of a girl who has paid every single bill she’s ever had weeks in advance, worked her butt off to be an A/B student, labored wholeheartedly and to the best of her ability, and was a health NUT. I was a good steward of everything I had, and for a couple weeks, couldn’t figure out why nothing favorable was coming my way.
But somehow, miraculously, my bills got paid (bills that were supposed to normally be due were miraculously not), people invited me to their home for dinner without even knowing my situation, I was offered some side jobs to make cash while I was still job hunting, and after praying for my sick self experienced healing. I lacked materially and didn’t have a thing to my name, but I never lacked spiritually. Some days were more exciting spiritually, some were extremely dry. But knowing Jesus, I knew I never lacked any good thing.
Some days I was secure, some I was incredibly discouraged and would just fall over weeping. I didn’t have a clue what God was doing in my life, but I knew I could use this dry season to learn something about myself and my God, so every day I continued to declare His love, goodness and faithfulness. I kept eternal eyes and was determined to not allow the enemy to have any room to enter this walking storehouse of redemption!
A few weeks into my job search, I asked God to “cause my resume to POP” (because I know it’s not that good haha) to someone and use that to confirm where He wants me to work. Two months later, I got a phone call from an owner of a million-dollar production company nearby. I responded to a part time ad on Craigs list a week prior for A/P and A/R since I have experience and needed SOMEthing (I don’t like accounting, but I have skills in it). I accidently sent him the wrong resume—I sent him my Regent resume with a Christian Objective—and he called me right away because he said my resume “popped” out at him. God has given me much favor with this man; He thinks I’m the next best thing to sliced bread, and for this job b/c of my lack of experience, I’m really not! He’s a Christian, too, and has been personal friends with the Robertsons for 30 years (who are the founders of the University God called me to attend last year, and who are technically the reason I am in Virginia Beach), and works in the field I studied in! Not only did I start out doing Accounting work, but a week later became a virtual model for our Online Website Advertising (which has potential to make a LOT of money), and a Production Assistant helping to write scripts for music on-hold. Hopefully soon, I will be traveling the United States promoting our products and doing business development. He and I have many of the same contacts through Regent and CBN, and have a great work chemistry. He pays me more than I really deserve to have b/c of my lack of experience, and gives me the best hours. He and his wife treat me like their daughter. I never expected to have it this good… God certainly created a divine connection between us.
Things were starting to look up, then normal, everyday annoyances kicked in and I experienced endless frustrations with moving furniture from PA to VA, washer floods, cable/internet rewiring in my apt and the ministry responsibilities I was juggling… I won't go into them since I've already got a book going, but if you ask me, I’ve got a million more testimonies of how God has proven over and over again through these frustrations that He is the God of the 11th hour!!! When I was about to break, He interceded and miraculously things worked. His presence has been so tangible, and His work evidence of His intimate and powerful responses to the “little things” in my life.
You cannot tell me that God did not provide for me each and every time I was “without”… and you cannot tell me that God doesn’t care about “little things”! I never once slept in the streets. Clothes were on my back. A car was available to drive. Food was in my belly. I was in relationship with God’s people… but most importantly, I knew my Savior and King, who first care-fully closed many doors and later opened many more.
God had me in a season where I was forced to rely strictly upon Him. I couldn’t rely on myself because I knew I couldn’t "fix it"; I couldn’t rely on people because for the most part, they weren’t there; and I certainly couldn’t rely on my circumstances to pull me out because I knew they were not what defined me. Literately, all I had was Jesus, and He was far more to me than anything or anyone else could have been. If I didn’t practice His presence sitting in my bare living room, I would NOT have made it through these past few months. Once again, He pulled me out of the pit, and is taking me on another ride to experience the palace.
A few years ago, I learned to stop asking “what”, “why”, and “how”; it is not my business to know what God is doing, why He’s doing it, and how it’s going to change me. His ways and thoughts are higher than mine. He knows me far better than I could ever know myself, so I’ll leave that stuff up to Him. All I know is that I long to be a mirror image of Jesus Christ, and I’ll do whatever it takes and walk through whatever I have to if it makes me more like Him. He is perfection, and while I’ll never be that, I strive to be more Christlike every day. And I acknowledge that I can’t be Christlike if I never experience trials…aka pain and suffering.
I've served homeless people who live with absolutely nothing, but I've never actually been able to say "I've been there, and look what Jesus did!" It's one thing to receive time from someone, but another to receive a story that's absolutely relatable, in every sense of the word. I'm glad this past four months is finally over, and that the Father rewards those who seek Him. The joy of knowing God is getting closer to completing the greatest work ever in me is inexpressible. One minute I'm bauling because I'm so thankful for what He has accomplished in me, and the next I'm dancing wherever my feet fall and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much because I'm THAT excited that I didn't give up and Jesus didn't give up on me. I feel like you would if you just won the Turkey Trot after training for three years.
I have learned that God can do more, faster, in a heart that is surrendered, listening, and willing to walk the walk rather than just talk the talk. I believe the key is to be purposeful in recognizing His absolute GREATness and GOODness in those trials, and that He has purpose in them. I don't believe that God needs to take as much time with us as He did with Job, if we could only internalize what He's doing behind the scenes and agree with His work. Your circumstances may seem like He’s not in them, but He truly is. You have to understand that what He’s accomplishing in and through you during those trials is the production of fruit that will influence someone else’s life. You were not created for yourself, but to worship God and be His hands and feet in the Earth, especially to the lost... you are on a lifelong journey to learn how to love like He loves, and live like He lived. That requires a mighty sacrifice of your comfort.
Make the choice to let God do His work. You can’t get to step B until you've gone through Step A. Be patient with God and yourself, and let Him do what only He can do. God plans to use you to reach the brokenhearted, so let Him do what He needs to do for you to be a part of that plan. You may never have the privlege of seeing or understanding the fruit and perseverance that is produced in you during your trials, but others will. And your life exists because of it.
Have you been in a dry season? Have you been confused and frustrated? Have you wondered why it seems God has abandoned you? Have you been lonely and wondered why everyone in the world has seemed to leave you? Take heart. Whatever your situation, God is IN it, and His heart is for you to grow and conform to His image through it.
Release your heartache, it’s okay! Many of our heroes in the Bible have experienced persecution and tremendous trials in every day life, and have wept before the Lord, wondering, waiting, angry by frustration. Don’t just give God a fragment of your weight and tears; give Him ALL of them. Every tear is counted by Him; He wants to capture you in the midst of your pain, lift every burden to show His presence in your life, utilize your surrendered heart, and continue preparing you for your next season. Don’t give up on Him! Let HIM have the last say in your circumstances; He’s waiting to blow you away! Don’t disqualify yourself from winning the Prize… Your Father is cheering you on, and He’s also awaiting you at the finish line.
I am truly thankful for what has seemed to be the hardest year of my LIFE. Moving here was a tremendous step of faith, but staying here has proven a much longer road of faith than I ever imagined. Everything I ever dreamed of is in my fingertips and in front of my face, and more than anything, the enemy wants to slip it out underneath my feet. I’ve been forced to cling, grasp and hold tight to Jesus in every area of my life, battling spiritual warfare and life’s frustrations left and right, but I gotta tell ya, it’s all been worth it. I’m eternally grateful that this past year was far from a waste; it has caused ME to die and Him to live, and the production of fruit that I can’t see. Most importantly, this past year has revealed God’s endless pursuit of ME. And to the Almighty Creator of the world to reveal His pursuing love to little ‘ol me, I am thankful beyond words.
Within the past four months, after serving in Africa for two weeks on a missions trip, God stripped me of EVERYthing—money, school, housing, work, health, car etc. I was nearly homeless, slept on an air mattress for three months after finding an apartment complex that would accept a jobless 23-yr old single woman, ate food from the Dollar Tree, couldn’t find a job for the life of me (I even got denied a serving job at Crackerbarrel b/c I didn’t give a two week notice when I left there four years ago…talk about humbling), got sick and couldn’t afford medications or doctor visits, all the while seeming to have every one of my friends fall off the face of the Earth. All of this on top of a girl who has paid every single bill she’s ever had weeks in advance, worked her butt off to be an A/B student, labored wholeheartedly and to the best of her ability, and was a health NUT. I was a good steward of everything I had, and for a couple weeks, couldn’t figure out why nothing favorable was coming my way.
But somehow, miraculously, my bills got paid (bills that were supposed to normally be due were miraculously not), people invited me to their home for dinner without even knowing my situation, I was offered some side jobs to make cash while I was still job hunting, and after praying for my sick self experienced healing. I lacked materially and didn’t have a thing to my name, but I never lacked spiritually. Some days were more exciting spiritually, some were extremely dry. But knowing Jesus, I knew I never lacked any good thing.
Some days I was secure, some I was incredibly discouraged and would just fall over weeping. I didn’t have a clue what God was doing in my life, but I knew I could use this dry season to learn something about myself and my God, so every day I continued to declare His love, goodness and faithfulness. I kept eternal eyes and was determined to not allow the enemy to have any room to enter this walking storehouse of redemption!
A few weeks into my job search, I asked God to “cause my resume to POP” (because I know it’s not that good haha) to someone and use that to confirm where He wants me to work. Two months later, I got a phone call from an owner of a million-dollar production company nearby. I responded to a part time ad on Craigs list a week prior for A/P and A/R since I have experience and needed SOMEthing (I don’t like accounting, but I have skills in it). I accidently sent him the wrong resume—I sent him my Regent resume with a Christian Objective—and he called me right away because he said my resume “popped” out at him. God has given me much favor with this man; He thinks I’m the next best thing to sliced bread, and for this job b/c of my lack of experience, I’m really not! He’s a Christian, too, and has been personal friends with the Robertsons for 30 years (who are the founders of the University God called me to attend last year, and who are technically the reason I am in Virginia Beach), and works in the field I studied in! Not only did I start out doing Accounting work, but a week later became a virtual model for our Online Website Advertising (which has potential to make a LOT of money), and a Production Assistant helping to write scripts for music on-hold. Hopefully soon, I will be traveling the United States promoting our products and doing business development. He and I have many of the same contacts through Regent and CBN, and have a great work chemistry. He pays me more than I really deserve to have b/c of my lack of experience, and gives me the best hours. He and his wife treat me like their daughter. I never expected to have it this good… God certainly created a divine connection between us.
Things were starting to look up, then normal, everyday annoyances kicked in and I experienced endless frustrations with moving furniture from PA to VA, washer floods, cable/internet rewiring in my apt and the ministry responsibilities I was juggling… I won't go into them since I've already got a book going, but if you ask me, I’ve got a million more testimonies of how God has proven over and over again through these frustrations that He is the God of the 11th hour!!! When I was about to break, He interceded and miraculously things worked. His presence has been so tangible, and His work evidence of His intimate and powerful responses to the “little things” in my life.
You cannot tell me that God did not provide for me each and every time I was “without”… and you cannot tell me that God doesn’t care about “little things”! I never once slept in the streets. Clothes were on my back. A car was available to drive. Food was in my belly. I was in relationship with God’s people… but most importantly, I knew my Savior and King, who first care-fully closed many doors and later opened many more.
God had me in a season where I was forced to rely strictly upon Him. I couldn’t rely on myself because I knew I couldn’t "fix it"; I couldn’t rely on people because for the most part, they weren’t there; and I certainly couldn’t rely on my circumstances to pull me out because I knew they were not what defined me. Literately, all I had was Jesus, and He was far more to me than anything or anyone else could have been. If I didn’t practice His presence sitting in my bare living room, I would NOT have made it through these past few months. Once again, He pulled me out of the pit, and is taking me on another ride to experience the palace.
A few years ago, I learned to stop asking “what”, “why”, and “how”; it is not my business to know what God is doing, why He’s doing it, and how it’s going to change me. His ways and thoughts are higher than mine. He knows me far better than I could ever know myself, so I’ll leave that stuff up to Him. All I know is that I long to be a mirror image of Jesus Christ, and I’ll do whatever it takes and walk through whatever I have to if it makes me more like Him. He is perfection, and while I’ll never be that, I strive to be more Christlike every day. And I acknowledge that I can’t be Christlike if I never experience trials…aka pain and suffering.
I've served homeless people who live with absolutely nothing, but I've never actually been able to say "I've been there, and look what Jesus did!" It's one thing to receive time from someone, but another to receive a story that's absolutely relatable, in every sense of the word. I'm glad this past four months is finally over, and that the Father rewards those who seek Him. The joy of knowing God is getting closer to completing the greatest work ever in me is inexpressible. One minute I'm bauling because I'm so thankful for what He has accomplished in me, and the next I'm dancing wherever my feet fall and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much because I'm THAT excited that I didn't give up and Jesus didn't give up on me. I feel like you would if you just won the Turkey Trot after training for three years.
I have learned that God can do more, faster, in a heart that is surrendered, listening, and willing to walk the walk rather than just talk the talk. I believe the key is to be purposeful in recognizing His absolute GREATness and GOODness in those trials, and that He has purpose in them. I don't believe that God needs to take as much time with us as He did with Job, if we could only internalize what He's doing behind the scenes and agree with His work. Your circumstances may seem like He’s not in them, but He truly is. You have to understand that what He’s accomplishing in and through you during those trials is the production of fruit that will influence someone else’s life. You were not created for yourself, but to worship God and be His hands and feet in the Earth, especially to the lost... you are on a lifelong journey to learn how to love like He loves, and live like He lived. That requires a mighty sacrifice of your comfort.
Make the choice to let God do His work. You can’t get to step B until you've gone through Step A. Be patient with God and yourself, and let Him do what only He can do. God plans to use you to reach the brokenhearted, so let Him do what He needs to do for you to be a part of that plan. You may never have the privlege of seeing or understanding the fruit and perseverance that is produced in you during your trials, but others will. And your life exists because of it.
Have you been in a dry season? Have you been confused and frustrated? Have you wondered why it seems God has abandoned you? Have you been lonely and wondered why everyone in the world has seemed to leave you? Take heart. Whatever your situation, God is IN it, and His heart is for you to grow and conform to His image through it.
Release your heartache, it’s okay! Many of our heroes in the Bible have experienced persecution and tremendous trials in every day life, and have wept before the Lord, wondering, waiting, angry by frustration. Don’t just give God a fragment of your weight and tears; give Him ALL of them. Every tear is counted by Him; He wants to capture you in the midst of your pain, lift every burden to show His presence in your life, utilize your surrendered heart, and continue preparing you for your next season. Don’t give up on Him! Let HIM have the last say in your circumstances; He’s waiting to blow you away! Don’t disqualify yourself from winning the Prize… Your Father is cheering you on, and He’s also awaiting you at the finish line.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Surrendering to Solitude
For a few months now, I've found myself in a season of separatedness. Spending time alone has always been a high priority of mine, mainly because it gives me reflection time (and I HAVE to have my reflection time), but there's something different about this particular season. All I want to do in my free time, apart from worship, fellowship, ministry & service, is enjoy complete SILENCE. I gotta tell ya, this whole idea of hearing God not in chaos, but in a WHISPER, makes absolute sense now. I hear and see God so much more when I'm reflecting on my living room floor hearing nothing but the fountain outside my window, or writing in complete silence. Forget the music; I now enjoy the melody of absolute silence.
At the same time, I have no desire to hang out in large groups of people right now. Going to house parties, playing games, going dancing, or just going OUT somewhere with friends does not appeal to me in the least. When I'm not enjoying and practicing God's presence in silence, I take myself, Jesus, & my laptop, sit in a corner, sip a Skinny Rasberry Mocha Frappachino, and write and read. Write my book, write my revelations, write prayers from deep within my heart and read the Word of God. As we speak, I'm in the corner of the library all alone on a Friday night, and I'm having the time of my life doing what I feel called to do in this season.
A heavenly abundance is awaiting you! I encourage you to surrender to solitude. Get in the secret place, where it's absolutely quiet, and practice it. You will find yourself resting in a safe place, and will inevitably receive peace the transcends all understanding. Close your mouth, guard your ears, and open your heart. Be renewed and refreshed by sacred silence.
At the same time, I have no desire to hang out in large groups of people right now. Going to house parties, playing games, going dancing, or just going OUT somewhere with friends does not appeal to me in the least. When I'm not enjoying and practicing God's presence in silence, I take myself, Jesus, & my laptop, sit in a corner, sip a Skinny Rasberry Mocha Frappachino, and write and read. Write my book, write my revelations, write prayers from deep within my heart and read the Word of God. As we speak, I'm in the corner of the library all alone on a Friday night, and I'm having the time of my life doing what I feel called to do in this season.
A heavenly abundance is awaiting you! I encourage you to surrender to solitude. Get in the secret place, where it's absolutely quiet, and practice it. You will find yourself resting in a safe place, and will inevitably receive peace the transcends all understanding. Close your mouth, guard your ears, and open your heart. Be renewed and refreshed by sacred silence.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Oh how I miss the aftermath of snow tubing days in PA...
I found this old video from '06 and I couldn't help but express my.... self. Funny thing is, a DJ approached me in the middle of a dance floor at at 1am at a wedding reception one time and said, "what BATTERY, do you run on?!?!"
Mama, at least I know you're proud ;)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
A Nation and People close to God's heart
(From L to R: My cousin, Lori, and her husband Tom in their new home--Kigali, Rwanda. Me with Eric, a survivor from the Rwanda Genocide who visited Regent University last fall)
(Sorry this is all bunched up. I copied it, and for some reason it won't separate the paragraphs...)
I was getting ready to e-mail my cousins in Rwanda, Africa, when I stopped to ponder and reflect on the things God has spoken to me about this nation for the past year. I have wept, uncontrollably at times, for God’s heartache for the people who were affected by the worst genocide since the Holocaust (USA Today)--the 1994 Genocide. While I’ve shared my most intimate times with the Lord interceding and weeping for Rwanda, I don't think I have the slightest inkling as to how God is connecting me to others in the Body of Christ and the world through carrying this tremendous burden.
Rick Warren, one of the "100 Most Influential People in the World" (TIME Magazine, 2005), founder and senior pastor of the fourth largest church in America--Saddleback Church, in California--is the author of the bestseller "Purpose Driven Life", a book that says the purpose drven life is one committed to worship, fellowship, spiritual growth, ministry, and fulfilling our mission on Earth. Not only was the Purpose Driven Life the first book I read as a new believer, but I read it at least three consecutive times after that and was so moved that I used it for “book studies” with unbelievers. My copy is highlighted, underlined, and filled with notes and revelations. I couldn’t get enough of it. Either could Paul Kagame, President of Rwanda, who phoned Warren after reading the book stating, “I am a purpose-driven man. Come help rebuild this country.” (USA Today)
The same man who contributed to my transformation as a Christian, and Paul Kagame’s, through the Purpose Driven Life, has a vision to see Rwanda transform into a “Purpose Driven Nation” by training and raising up leaders in Rwanda. He could very well be the man I partner with in vision and join in ministry in Rwanda. And let me tell you, there is nothing I'd rather do than join Rick Warren and others whom God has similarly burdened for this people and nation. Talk about POWERFUL movements in the Kingdom of God!!!! One purpose, one vision=one transformed nation in Africa!!!! Bring it on!!!!
My cousins, Tom and Lori Wheeler, are living in Kigali, Rwanda now with their children. When I found out they moved there this summer to join Rick Warren and his ministry, I went crazy! How incredible that I have family living in the very roots of a nation I’ve been called to intercede for and hope to one day visit?! USA Today said this, and it absolutely shook me because it breaks down every presupposition people have about not doing missions because they haven’t been “called” or don’t have a necessarily esteemed “title”: “Even if he's only remembered as the man who helped bring sidewalks to Kigali, Wheeler says he feels that he's part of something big: 'God's working here,' he says, 'after so much suffering.'" I think we can learn something significant from Tom—every effort counts. Following Christ costs us everything, and sometimes, we should just go to meet the need.
As a personal reflection… it just blows my mind to see what God is doing and how He’s moving there. All those endless days and nights I spent weeping for these people were not in vain; to share in their suffering is a tremendous privilege. We are called to carry one another’s burdens, and mourn with those who mourn. But for the longest time, I felt like what I was feeling was deeper than carrying just the Rwandan's burdens. It wasn’t long before God revealed to me that I was carrying HIS heartache for His people in Rwanda. And I gotta tell ya, sharing God's pain and the Rwandan's pain is more than I ever thought I could possibly feel, but it's GOOD, and it gives me the privilege of sincerely rejoicing with them when God’s response is so remarkable! Their pain has become my pain, so their answer is my answer.
This nation is headed nowhere but up! Praise GOD! 14 years of gruesome pain is being washed away day by day. Forgiveness, Healing, Joy, and Peace are only among the few treasures the Rwandans are receiving, and it’s attributed to a God who loves them so much He’s burdened endless believers across the world to intercede for them, and has stirred them to DO something, something as “mundane” as some might say building sidewalks is. Every prayer counts, every weeping experience (that is designed to cause us to see and feel through God's eyes and heart), and every action is contributing to the Kingdom of God. Don’t underestimate your significance to God—He rescued you so that you can rescue others. Please do your part!
(The link to the Rwanda article with my cousins and Rick Warren)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Packed up the Africa clothes... finally
Well, we finally got the clothes for Africa organized and placed in bins. Whew! We are only a month and a half late and off schedule ;)
Anna, myself, Matt and Steve went through about 20 garbage bags of clothing yesterday that I collected to ship overseas for the people of Macha, Zambia. After spending two weeks in the villages of Macha and seeing the spiritual, emotional and physical needs of the people, I couldn't help but be stirred to love in action--to do something about what I saw. While I can't be there to disciple new believers and spread the Gospel, I know God has our friend, Jon, there for many reasons, and I know that from the city of Virginia Beach I can send tangible things to help offset some needs.
We had some fun finishing this project! Some of the items we found in the bags were quite interesting, to say the least ;) Between laughing at Steve adding strange, orange clothing to his outfit and me throwing the boys clothes to Matt (which mistakingly kept landing on his head), and the "mexican soda" joke we entertained, I had to basically command myself to breathe! It was good to have a good laugh with friends while doing something productive, though. I can always count on this crew to get two jobs well done ;)
Anna, myself, Matt and Steve went through about 20 garbage bags of clothing yesterday that I collected to ship overseas for the people of Macha, Zambia. After spending two weeks in the villages of Macha and seeing the spiritual, emotional and physical needs of the people, I couldn't help but be stirred to love in action--to do something about what I saw. While I can't be there to disciple new believers and spread the Gospel, I know God has our friend, Jon, there for many reasons, and I know that from the city of Virginia Beach I can send tangible things to help offset some needs.
We had some fun finishing this project! Some of the items we found in the bags were quite interesting, to say the least ;) Between laughing at Steve adding strange, orange clothing to his outfit and me throwing the boys clothes to Matt (which mistakingly kept landing on his head), and the "mexican soda" joke we entertained, I had to basically command myself to breathe! It was good to have a good laugh with friends while doing something productive, though. I can always count on this crew to get two jobs well done ;)
Saturday, September 13, 2008
A Life Changing Encounter with Faith
After visiting my horsemanship director's church for the beginning of his Cowboy Chapel series, I found out that my good friend died. Devastation consumed me and I spent that entire night crying and remembering all our times together. She taught me so much about faith, hope and love. Who knew that a bond between a human and an animal could be so strong?
She was more than an animal I drew close to; Faith became a significant part of my life. Sixteen years of dreaming to ride horses became a reality for me at the beginning of the year. Years of longing and dreaming to know and understand this stunning, heavenly creature were often times of struggle because small towns like mine weren’t made of money, and riding lessons weren’t cheap. Yet, through the years, faith is what I exercised, and Faith is who strengthened me.
A gorgeous Palamino, Grade pony, she was golden and had an incredible variation of blonde in her mane and tail. (With a comb and a little Show Shene, she was one in a million!) Since my blonde babe was a Grade pony, she had a mix of many different ancestors and had characteristics different than that of a standard breed or purebred. She was a pony, averaging 14.2 hands in height, and boy was she a spitfire sometimes! But what female doesn’t have her moments? Besides the occasional threats she listened well, had a smooth walk and lope, and loved to receive love ;)
Among many other things, Faith taught me how to properly ride the canter; pivot; use my weight as a natural aid; and even discipline a horse. (She sometimes, like me, needed strict “I am in control and you’re not no-no’s”) I learned quickly in the canter that she didn't like it when I leaned too far back (neither does any horse); and she taught me how to use my weight, legs and hands to pivot during a show (she wouldn't do it if I didn't do it correctly). After time, she even grew such respect for me she obeyed my cue of turning her by using my weight without reins. Our relationship blossomed quickly in a short amount of time. I loved and respected her, and she loved and respected me. One thing is for certain: I never walked away from her in a day without learning something about her, horses in general, and the mighty God I serve.
While I was testing out different ways of communicating discipline to a horse, as silly as this sounds, I wanted to see if horses respond to the "pointed finger" as much as children do. Believe it or not, when Faith would threaten to bite or kick another horse or person, I would make a firm face and point my finger firmly at her and she would immediately look straight ahead and behave. Most horses respond better with an elbow or a slap along with a voice, and some others do respond to the "pointed finger", but because I had spent so much time with her, her response to the pointed finger helped me recognize she was responding more to my body language, and I began to feel extremely close with her.
While I was testing out different ways of communicating discipline to a horse, as silly as this sounds, I wanted to see if horses respond to the "pointed finger" as much as children do. Believe it or not, when Faith would threaten to bite or kick another horse or person, I would make a firm face and point my finger firmly at her and she would immediately look straight ahead and behave. Most horses respond better with an elbow or a slap along with a voice, and some others do respond to the "pointed finger", but because I had spent so much time with her, her response to the pointed finger helped me recognize she was responding more to my body language, and I began to feel extremely close with her.
We spent a lot of time together behind the scenes. After classes and lunch, or in between when no one was around, I'd spent quality time talking with and scratching her, and hugging and kissing her. I respected her so much because she taught me how to ride, the right way. And she learned to respect and trust me because I helped take care of her, and was intentional about treating her well.
This remarkable pony had no idea she inspired me to keep hoping trusting in the promises of God. Many times I came into work discouraged about a certain promise God gave me that in reality looks impossible and seeing her instantaneously would put the smile back on my face, the joy in my heart and the faith in my spirit. She truly was the encouragement to me no one else could offer, and the tangible love I needed to feel so many times from my Heavenly Father.
This remarkable pony had no idea she inspired me to keep hoping trusting in the promises of God. Many times I came into work discouraged about a certain promise God gave me that in reality looks impossible and seeing her instantaneously would put the smile back on my face, the joy in my heart and the faith in my spirit. She truly was the encouragement to me no one else could offer, and the tangible love I needed to feel so many times from my Heavenly Father.
What a creative and caring portrait of God's faithfulness to me. How wonderful it was to ride a gorgeous and wonderful horse named Faith almost every day. Not only did I learn and grow in my knowledge of horses, but through her I learned life changing lessons about God and His unfathomable, yet tangible character and ways. She truly left an hoofprint in my heart that will never be forgotten. I drew close to Faith, and through her I drew close to my Father.
Friday, September 12, 2008
A Vision of Transformation
(1st from Left: Who knew that this little girl would one day repent, give her life to Jesus, be transformed and then preach the Gospel to her sisters?! Jesus knew, and it's only by His grace, and the power of His transformation that I'm even living, and have walked away from alcohol, drugs, sex and suicide attempts. Don't tell me He doesn't transform, and do so mightily!!!)
(2nd from Left: This was the day after my unbelieving sister and I talked about eternity. It led to me minister the love and power of Jesus to her. After three years of praying for her, she openly received the good news. God's Spirit is drawing her to Him, and the power of God's transformation in ME is falling on her--she's recently made long awaited, healthy relationship decisions and is moving forward with her life. It's God, and the power of transformation!)
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Yesterday morning in prayer, God gave me a powerful vision and word. I was praying for a friend's healing when I got a picture of God touching someone. The minute His hand touched someone, the person literately morphed into someone else. Following a bright, white light in a downward motion from the top of his head to the soles of his feet, the person transformed. It was almost like something you see in an old, sci-fi movie; kinda like The Hulk where growth is the result, only not in the muscles, color and size of the person ;) This heavenly transformation was a GOOD, internal and external transformation ;) The old was being washed away and the new had come to replace it. A new, good, birthing had taken place and it was attributed to the love and grace of God the Father.
That's a thought we know as His children, but have we really thought of the powerful implications of God's touch? Have we remembered and recognized His glory when He transforms us from the outside in after the inside out? Let me suggest that praising Him for transforming us from the outside in is just as important as praising Him for beginning transformation in us from the inside out.
Through this vision God revealed to me that when someone is surrendered to Him, believes and is willing to receive from the Heavenly realms, true transformation occurs. But the greatest part of the beginning stages of transformation is that it's undeserved and is His gift to us so that we can enjoy abundant life Jesus died so we could have. It comes with the whole giving your life to Jesus package. What a gift from God--that we don't have to worry about fixing ourselves; He fixes us FOR us. If you can't think of anything else to praise Him for (which I find impossible to do), praise Him for His transformational touch in your life. I'll tell you one thing, it is a GLORIOUS day when transformation and awakening pass from His hand to a dirty, lost soul, and even to a passive, Christian one. The very being of a person is breathed on again with life and becomes covered with His grace by His very touch. It's a phenomenal, life-changing gift of God Almighty. Open your mouth and rejoice!
I believe God is bringing mighty transformation to the Earth. I don't believe it's limited to the unsaved, but that it is also coming to the Church. For God to take us higher, we must be transformed into His likeness--it's a necessary part of growth. Your transformational growth isn't just for you, though, it's to be used as an example of the new life we are offered through the blood of Christ. It's your responsibility to share God's power in your life with others.
When God transforms, He doesn't leave us with any blemishes; it's when we try to transform ourselves that we miss or choose to miss a spot. Leave the dirty work to God--He knows all your blemishes that need plucked out and shined. His ways and thoughts are higher than yours and He knows what's best for you. Stop resisting His work in you; let Him do what He needs to do so that you can do His will for your life and become the person He wants you to be in the last days. You're being prepared for HEAVEN, for goodness sake, embrace it!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Beyond words!!!
Who, besides Jesus, knew my day would be THIS amazing... All morning I was thinking that since I couldn't fall asleep until 4:30am this morning that my day today would be off track and unproductive. hah, WRONG!
A family that I simply adore blessed me with some money today. It caught me competely off guard! (I have no money, but the Lord continues to impress hearts to cover me financially!) I graciously thanked them and began praising God, but as soon as I got to my car I found myself in tears. The love of Jesus began to flood my car and I just couldn't stop thanking Him for loving me as He does, giving me relationships and providing for my needs. (Earlier this morning I had to go to the Chiropractor because of a minor horse incident, and because I don't have health insurance I had to pay the full price for a visit. The money I received today from that family covered that bill and left me with $2 extra!)
This afternoon my church invited me to spend a few days in North Carolina teaching, preaching, and ministering to a large group of students from Norfolk Christian. They're going for a retreat and I was asked to lead some sessions. What an amazing opportunity!
Since my heart is so incredibly stirred to preach the Gospel and to do ministry this year, I volunteered at an Elder Care home. I love, respect and adore the elderly and am thrilled to play games, spend time with them and allow Jesus to minister to them through my serving. After telling the coordinator that I work at Triple-R, she introduced me to the man who helped prepare the ground for the ranch to be built over 50 years ago! He goes there almost every day! It was such an honor to meet him and share the good news of what's happening at the ranch these days. His face lit up and He could not wipe the smile off His face while we were talking. He said he had been wondering for years how the ranch was doing. Small world, maybe; divine appointment, absolutely!
I left, and headed to the library to do some research for some younger girls I'm mentoring and coaching when my dad called. He asked how I was doing financially, if I'd found a job yet and if I was holding up okay. I told him the million ways God has provided for me through people bringing me food, cooking for me and taking me out, along with receiving checks from friends and family. He said he has been PRAYING for us (he believes, attends church every once in a while, but doesn't read the Bible or have a close relationship with God) for finances, and had a similar financial blessing today! After installing a dish for a family, the father slipped a $100 bill in his pocket. Dad goes, "Kel it was amazing! But you know why I think God blessed me?" I smiled and said (having a pretty good idea why--God was answering my prayer for Him to hunger the Word of God) "why, Dad?" He said, "Because I've been reading Bible stories lately. I started to read the Bible! It's changing me, I can't believe it! God is amazing; I never really realized it until now. But He really is!" I said "wow, Daddy!!! Praise God!!! You're experiencing what you were created to experience--intimacy with God! He promises to reward those who seek Him! You are being rewarded!!" He agreed, and just hearing the joy in his voice was enough to melt my heart! I knew he was finally getting to know and feeling the presence of Jesus.(When I was home for Gram's funeral God impressed this verse on me, very strongly: it's when Jesus says to the people 'Away from me, I never knew you' in response to them asking if they'll go to heaven by eating and drinking in His presence and having Him teach in their streets--Luke13:25-27-- I shared it with Dad in a conversation about how I'm concerned for my grandfather's salvation, and his face turned white. He was in absolute shock. He couldn't believe Jesus would turn you away at the gate of heaven if you didn't have a relationship with Him. I watched the Word of God touch his heart powerfully, and began praying for God to give my dad an earnest desire to seek His face, and READ HIS WORD. Every day I've been praying for him to develop an undying hunger to read it, even in the middle of the night)
So, Dad is not only believing; he is now praying, reading the Bible and attending church regularly! MY DAD, who never wanted to hear about Jesus while I was growing up and even when I was saved myself, gave His life to Jesus and is living for Him now!!! But thats not it... my mom is affirming me and encouraging me in ways I have always yearned! She wrote me a letter that said "Keep being optimistic about a job. God is good and faithful. Stay after Him, He has been good to you, honey"...my MOM, who is now watching CBN every day (I didn't encourage her to watch Christian television at all, she sought it herself), and telling me how good God is... who is inching closer and closer to salvation every day. AND, after several conversations with my sister about the Lord, how to KNOW Him, and experience His best, she has finally made the decision to leave behind an abuser of three years, is making healthy and good decisions again, is taking care of her kids, and is moving forward with her life.People.... these are my once passive parents, my "athiest" sister... my FAMILY who only a few years ago wanted NOTHING to do with God! They didn't want to hear me talk about Him! My steadfast prayers for three years have been answered!!!! It's time to rejoice even more!!!!
All of this is confirmation of sooo many passions of my heart. I thought I heard God say months ago that He wanted me to set my education aside for a year and that He had ministry prepared for me this year. Part of me wasn't sure if I heard Him right because of how I felt about not leaving college until I was finished, yet there was a deep calling to ministry I felt incredibly pressed to follow. Even though I wasn't 100% sure of what God had planned, I chose to pull out of school, pray and remain open to ministry opportunities. Obviously, with the elder care home, women's life group I'm helping to lead this year (which I KNOW is going to be extremely powerful), mentoring relationships with younger girls, ministry opportunities in other states and even overseas (I'm likely doing short term missions again this year... that's in the works!), Jesus confirmed that yet again I did hear His voice, and His plan for my life in ministry is becoming clearer every day ;)
Jesus continually leaves me in awe! Every single day. His ways are so obvious and evident. They're right in front of our face, especially through His creation! I will never stop telling the world about Him. There is no other way to live except with and for Him! Walking in the Spirit is an extraordinary gift!....I did have to chuckle and ask the Lord why He loves to leave me in awe of Him daily. You know what He said? That He loves to see the excitement on the face of a child whose heart is pure, whose faith moves mountains, and whose continuous testimony reveals His glory. I am totally that crazy, giddy girl who jumps up and down, in circles, and screams the praises of my King when He reveals Himself to the lost, orchestrates miracles and answers prayer! I'm pretty sure He enjoys and delights in it ;)
Revival is in our midst! You must never loose hope in prayer! More often than not, you are growing during your prayer time, into a mighty man or woman of FAITH. Whatever you are praying for and waiting for, KEEP praying and KEEP waiting! The prayer of a righteous man is both powerful and effective! So hit the floor and PRAY! In the meantime, be sharing God's love, His Word and the hope of Jesus Christ. It'll build your own faith while encouraging others. Get where it's quiet and where you can hear God's voice. He speaks not in the wind and chaos, but His voice often comes in a whisper. Saturate yourself in His Word, whether you like it right now or not, discipine yourself and ask God to give you a deep love and hunger for it. God's waiting to woo you in ways you've never been wooed before! Get closer!!!!
A family that I simply adore blessed me with some money today. It caught me competely off guard! (I have no money, but the Lord continues to impress hearts to cover me financially!) I graciously thanked them and began praising God, but as soon as I got to my car I found myself in tears. The love of Jesus began to flood my car and I just couldn't stop thanking Him for loving me as He does, giving me relationships and providing for my needs. (Earlier this morning I had to go to the Chiropractor because of a minor horse incident, and because I don't have health insurance I had to pay the full price for a visit. The money I received today from that family covered that bill and left me with $2 extra!)
This afternoon my church invited me to spend a few days in North Carolina teaching, preaching, and ministering to a large group of students from Norfolk Christian. They're going for a retreat and I was asked to lead some sessions. What an amazing opportunity!
Since my heart is so incredibly stirred to preach the Gospel and to do ministry this year, I volunteered at an Elder Care home. I love, respect and adore the elderly and am thrilled to play games, spend time with them and allow Jesus to minister to them through my serving. After telling the coordinator that I work at Triple-R, she introduced me to the man who helped prepare the ground for the ranch to be built over 50 years ago! He goes there almost every day! It was such an honor to meet him and share the good news of what's happening at the ranch these days. His face lit up and He could not wipe the smile off His face while we were talking. He said he had been wondering for years how the ranch was doing. Small world, maybe; divine appointment, absolutely!
I left, and headed to the library to do some research for some younger girls I'm mentoring and coaching when my dad called. He asked how I was doing financially, if I'd found a job yet and if I was holding up okay. I told him the million ways God has provided for me through people bringing me food, cooking for me and taking me out, along with receiving checks from friends and family. He said he has been PRAYING for us (he believes, attends church every once in a while, but doesn't read the Bible or have a close relationship with God) for finances, and had a similar financial blessing today! After installing a dish for a family, the father slipped a $100 bill in his pocket. Dad goes, "Kel it was amazing! But you know why I think God blessed me?" I smiled and said (having a pretty good idea why--God was answering my prayer for Him to hunger the Word of God) "why, Dad?" He said, "Because I've been reading Bible stories lately. I started to read the Bible! It's changing me, I can't believe it! God is amazing; I never really realized it until now. But He really is!" I said "wow, Daddy!!! Praise God!!! You're experiencing what you were created to experience--intimacy with God! He promises to reward those who seek Him! You are being rewarded!!" He agreed, and just hearing the joy in his voice was enough to melt my heart! I knew he was finally getting to know and feeling the presence of Jesus.(When I was home for Gram's funeral God impressed this verse on me, very strongly: it's when Jesus says to the people 'Away from me, I never knew you' in response to them asking if they'll go to heaven by eating and drinking in His presence and having Him teach in their streets--Luke13:25-27-- I shared it with Dad in a conversation about how I'm concerned for my grandfather's salvation, and his face turned white. He was in absolute shock. He couldn't believe Jesus would turn you away at the gate of heaven if you didn't have a relationship with Him. I watched the Word of God touch his heart powerfully, and began praying for God to give my dad an earnest desire to seek His face, and READ HIS WORD. Every day I've been praying for him to develop an undying hunger to read it, even in the middle of the night)
So, Dad is not only believing; he is now praying, reading the Bible and attending church regularly! MY DAD, who never wanted to hear about Jesus while I was growing up and even when I was saved myself, gave His life to Jesus and is living for Him now!!! But thats not it... my mom is affirming me and encouraging me in ways I have always yearned! She wrote me a letter that said "Keep being optimistic about a job. God is good and faithful. Stay after Him, He has been good to you, honey"...my MOM, who is now watching CBN every day (I didn't encourage her to watch Christian television at all, she sought it herself), and telling me how good God is... who is inching closer and closer to salvation every day. AND, after several conversations with my sister about the Lord, how to KNOW Him, and experience His best, she has finally made the decision to leave behind an abuser of three years, is making healthy and good decisions again, is taking care of her kids, and is moving forward with her life.People.... these are my once passive parents, my "athiest" sister... my FAMILY who only a few years ago wanted NOTHING to do with God! They didn't want to hear me talk about Him! My steadfast prayers for three years have been answered!!!! It's time to rejoice even more!!!!
All of this is confirmation of sooo many passions of my heart. I thought I heard God say months ago that He wanted me to set my education aside for a year and that He had ministry prepared for me this year. Part of me wasn't sure if I heard Him right because of how I felt about not leaving college until I was finished, yet there was a deep calling to ministry I felt incredibly pressed to follow. Even though I wasn't 100% sure of what God had planned, I chose to pull out of school, pray and remain open to ministry opportunities. Obviously, with the elder care home, women's life group I'm helping to lead this year (which I KNOW is going to be extremely powerful), mentoring relationships with younger girls, ministry opportunities in other states and even overseas (I'm likely doing short term missions again this year... that's in the works!), Jesus confirmed that yet again I did hear His voice, and His plan for my life in ministry is becoming clearer every day ;)
Jesus continually leaves me in awe! Every single day. His ways are so obvious and evident. They're right in front of our face, especially through His creation! I will never stop telling the world about Him. There is no other way to live except with and for Him! Walking in the Spirit is an extraordinary gift!....I did have to chuckle and ask the Lord why He loves to leave me in awe of Him daily. You know what He said? That He loves to see the excitement on the face of a child whose heart is pure, whose faith moves mountains, and whose continuous testimony reveals His glory. I am totally that crazy, giddy girl who jumps up and down, in circles, and screams the praises of my King when He reveals Himself to the lost, orchestrates miracles and answers prayer! I'm pretty sure He enjoys and delights in it ;)
Revival is in our midst! You must never loose hope in prayer! More often than not, you are growing during your prayer time, into a mighty man or woman of FAITH. Whatever you are praying for and waiting for, KEEP praying and KEEP waiting! The prayer of a righteous man is both powerful and effective! So hit the floor and PRAY! In the meantime, be sharing God's love, His Word and the hope of Jesus Christ. It'll build your own faith while encouraging others. Get where it's quiet and where you can hear God's voice. He speaks not in the wind and chaos, but His voice often comes in a whisper. Saturate yourself in His Word, whether you like it right now or not, discipine yourself and ask God to give you a deep love and hunger for it. God's waiting to woo you in ways you've never been wooed before! Get closer!!!!
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The Mighty Call to Love in Action
This morning I thought I was going to lay in bed a few extra hours and just watch a sappy love story on DVD.
...Then the Spirit of God fell on me, right here on my air mattress, and everything changed.
When is America going to WAKE UP?! When is the bride of Christ going to get real about the fact that God's love for the broken is as thick as ever, and you and I are called to participate in His love?! Jesus paid much too high a price for us to bypass preaching the Gospel!!! There are people who are homeless, afflicted by disease, broken by family, victims of murder, orphaned by "accidental" parents, stricken with the demonic, yet we SIT HERE! AND DO NOTHING!!!!! Why do we somehow think God enjoys watching them suffer?!
We live our wonderful lives (which we are thankful for), but our eyes become so stuck on us that we can't even think about getting them on Jesus or His heart!!!! America is way overdue for drawing close to God... we'd rather draw close to our iPhones, mansions, "bling-bling", TVs and computers. I think more often than not, the case isn't whether we know what needs to be done in the Kingdom; it's thinking we can't possibly change world (and if that's your stance, you are dreaming much too small), and because we don't "feel called" to a certain group of people, or nation, we aren't responsible for doing anything. We think someone else will take care of it. Nothing could be further from the truth! The reality is that until we become intentional about ministry, it's not going to happen. Did we somehow forget the passage where Jesus told us to GO, and heal the sick, cleanse the lepors, and cast out demons?! When are God's people going to awaken and ignite their spirits?!?!
We act as if we don't need Jesus; as if the cross means nothing to us! WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!! God gave us the gift of salvation so we can work it out with fear and trembling, and be His hands and feet in the Earth! We are COMMISSIONED to preach the Gospel--it is part of our DNA! Your make-up and mine consists of the Truth that is preached by us having the very access to God at any time of any day! We love only because He first loved us, and His love is what compels us to love IN ACTION. The Bible says Jesus Himself was moved with compassion. We're called to imitate Christ--why do we think we should be any different?! We ought to be moved with compassion like He is! I would hope we would more than consider opening our eyes to the love Jesus DEMONSTRATED when He walked the Earth. Love is more than words; it is ACTION!
I am absolutely disgusted with our response as Christ's Bride. I am sickened by the fact that missions means nothing to some believers, when it's God's heart exactly! I've said this before--our mission field is everywhere God wills us to be, but if you're willing, He will give you a burden for a nation or people group that is in turn a treasure for you to carry. It's a treasure from heaven you can keep your entire life because you know God shared an intimate part of His heart with you. Listen, God wants to let you feel His heart, but you have to choose to seek Him and partner with His vision to see redemption come to His people.
For me, I know that God's heart yearns to reach the Rwandan people affected by the 1994 genocide. He wants His love made known to the orphaned children who feel abandoned by their parents, and the innocent ones whose parents have been slaughtered because of their height or the width of their nose. He wants His love to reach the ones who question their worth and value because it's been destroyed and diminshed their entire lives by a group of people inferior to them. And trust me, I know He desires His love to reach the husbands who watched their wives raped before their very eyes, and the families who watched their family members be chopped to shreds with machetes and shot in the face because they were qualified in the "wrong" tribe the minute they were born. I know that I have willingly accepted to carry a portion of the burden of God's heart for these precious people and this nation, which invites me to weep with God as He weeps for His hurting people. The pain I feel in my heart for those who have experienced the ultimate evil in Rwanda is much too great for me to describe in words, but it's such a privlege to so close to Daddy that I feel His pain as well as His joy.
This intimacy with God and His response to our intercession isn't rocket science... God said Himself that if we humble ourselves and pray, and seek His face, and turn from our wicked ways, then He will hear from heaven, will forgive our sin and heal our land! Besides Christ simply being enough, what more motivation than that do we have to do something in this Earth?! You're only as effective as you choose to be, and I can guarantee you that you will never feel more effective in God's Kingdom than when you love and serve in action, because that is the divine purpose of each and every one of us.
Hear me: I am not ignoring the miraculous things God is doing in the Earth--in fact, I am praising Him every day for how He's choosing to reveal Himself to man. But I refuse to only see with eternal eyes the good that is happening. If all I offer is to see and do something about the good, I am only half-heartedly honorning Him and am only living out half of my mission and purpose. Pure and undefiled religion before God, as James said, is to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. It's recognizing the trouble and then choosing to do something about it!
...Mrs. Cowman once said, "Nearly all of God's jewels are crystallized tears." I invite you to get close to your Maker and feel His heart for the broken. Let Him draw you to weep for those He weeps for. Please, Church, awaken to the needs we are called to meet. Don't wait another day to pray and think about how to get involved in missions; today is the day of salvation! God's people need to hear the Truth as much as you need to share it. We're called to bear one another's burdens, but I encourage you to take it a step further and ask to carry one of God's burdens. Remember, He doesn't need us to reach His beloved, but He will certainly use us to reach the broken if we allow and respond to Him. Don't wait any longer. Cling to His heart, and get so close you feel His heartbeat. It's absolutely possible, and it's a reality you need to experience.
...Then the Spirit of God fell on me, right here on my air mattress, and everything changed.
When is America going to WAKE UP?! When is the bride of Christ going to get real about the fact that God's love for the broken is as thick as ever, and you and I are called to participate in His love?! Jesus paid much too high a price for us to bypass preaching the Gospel!!! There are people who are homeless, afflicted by disease, broken by family, victims of murder, orphaned by "accidental" parents, stricken with the demonic, yet we SIT HERE! AND DO NOTHING!!!!! Why do we somehow think God enjoys watching them suffer?!
We live our wonderful lives (which we are thankful for), but our eyes become so stuck on us that we can't even think about getting them on Jesus or His heart!!!! America is way overdue for drawing close to God... we'd rather draw close to our iPhones, mansions, "bling-bling", TVs and computers. I think more often than not, the case isn't whether we know what needs to be done in the Kingdom; it's thinking we can't possibly change world (and if that's your stance, you are dreaming much too small), and because we don't "feel called" to a certain group of people, or nation, we aren't responsible for doing anything. We think someone else will take care of it. Nothing could be further from the truth! The reality is that until we become intentional about ministry, it's not going to happen. Did we somehow forget the passage where Jesus told us to GO, and heal the sick, cleanse the lepors, and cast out demons?! When are God's people going to awaken and ignite their spirits?!?!
We act as if we don't need Jesus; as if the cross means nothing to us! WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!! God gave us the gift of salvation so we can work it out with fear and trembling, and be His hands and feet in the Earth! We are COMMISSIONED to preach the Gospel--it is part of our DNA! Your make-up and mine consists of the Truth that is preached by us having the very access to God at any time of any day! We love only because He first loved us, and His love is what compels us to love IN ACTION. The Bible says Jesus Himself was moved with compassion. We're called to imitate Christ--why do we think we should be any different?! We ought to be moved with compassion like He is! I would hope we would more than consider opening our eyes to the love Jesus DEMONSTRATED when He walked the Earth. Love is more than words; it is ACTION!
I am absolutely disgusted with our response as Christ's Bride. I am sickened by the fact that missions means nothing to some believers, when it's God's heart exactly! I've said this before--our mission field is everywhere God wills us to be, but if you're willing, He will give you a burden for a nation or people group that is in turn a treasure for you to carry. It's a treasure from heaven you can keep your entire life because you know God shared an intimate part of His heart with you. Listen, God wants to let you feel His heart, but you have to choose to seek Him and partner with His vision to see redemption come to His people.
For me, I know that God's heart yearns to reach the Rwandan people affected by the 1994 genocide. He wants His love made known to the orphaned children who feel abandoned by their parents, and the innocent ones whose parents have been slaughtered because of their height or the width of their nose. He wants His love to reach the ones who question their worth and value because it's been destroyed and diminshed their entire lives by a group of people inferior to them. And trust me, I know He desires His love to reach the husbands who watched their wives raped before their very eyes, and the families who watched their family members be chopped to shreds with machetes and shot in the face because they were qualified in the "wrong" tribe the minute they were born. I know that I have willingly accepted to carry a portion of the burden of God's heart for these precious people and this nation, which invites me to weep with God as He weeps for His hurting people. The pain I feel in my heart for those who have experienced the ultimate evil in Rwanda is much too great for me to describe in words, but it's such a privlege to so close to Daddy that I feel His pain as well as His joy.
This intimacy with God and His response to our intercession isn't rocket science... God said Himself that if we humble ourselves and pray, and seek His face, and turn from our wicked ways, then He will hear from heaven, will forgive our sin and heal our land! Besides Christ simply being enough, what more motivation than that do we have to do something in this Earth?! You're only as effective as you choose to be, and I can guarantee you that you will never feel more effective in God's Kingdom than when you love and serve in action, because that is the divine purpose of each and every one of us.
Hear me: I am not ignoring the miraculous things God is doing in the Earth--in fact, I am praising Him every day for how He's choosing to reveal Himself to man. But I refuse to only see with eternal eyes the good that is happening. If all I offer is to see and do something about the good, I am only half-heartedly honorning Him and am only living out half of my mission and purpose. Pure and undefiled religion before God, as James said, is to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. It's recognizing the trouble and then choosing to do something about it!
...Mrs. Cowman once said, "Nearly all of God's jewels are crystallized tears." I invite you to get close to your Maker and feel His heart for the broken. Let Him draw you to weep for those He weeps for. Please, Church, awaken to the needs we are called to meet. Don't wait another day to pray and think about how to get involved in missions; today is the day of salvation! God's people need to hear the Truth as much as you need to share it. We're called to bear one another's burdens, but I encourage you to take it a step further and ask to carry one of God's burdens. Remember, He doesn't need us to reach His beloved, but He will certainly use us to reach the broken if we allow and respond to Him. Don't wait any longer. Cling to His heart, and get so close you feel His heartbeat. It's absolutely possible, and it's a reality you need to experience.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Seasons come and go, but God's love is steadfast
Have you ever noticed that people are in our lives for a season? As much as we promise our best friend who moved across country that we'll never loose touch, inevitably, it happens. But even distance isn't the only reason we loose touch with our loved ones. Sometimes it's in God's will for us to surrender our relationships because He needs to use us in someone else's life, and the others need to be used to reach those around them. If you'll stretch yourself to think about this, I believe God sometimes removes people from your life because you've idolized them and it's become too unhealthy spiritually, physically, or both.
The Bible says there is a time and season for everything under the sun, and we need to learn to be okay with that. We need to learn to let go. The relationships in our lives are gifts from our Heavenly Father. He gives and takes away, and He can do that because He's God. He knows what's best for us and who we need in our lives during each season.
When someone close to you is transitioning, or even moves away, and you fear that you'll loose touch, seek God's heart first to make sure He even wants you in that person's life anymore, at the same level of relationship. You have to remember that yourr connections with believers are always eternal, so you'll see them again in Heaven, but God may choose to separate you and your loved one for a period of time, or even the rest of the time on Earth. That doesn't mean your memories stop, or that you can't stop by the new place if you're in the area, or even that God has rejected you. It just means that God knows you better than you know yourself and had you in close relationship with a special person for a season that is now overdue.
I've heard God tell me He wants me to support my loved one's transition in any way I can, and it wasn't until weeks later that He revealed His plan for the relationship to me. I still talk with my old church family in Pennsylvania and communicate with them from time to time, but they are not my primary family anymore--my new church in Virginia Beach is. I was spiritually nourished, encouraged and developed in that church, but it was time to move on to something greater God had for me. When I lost those close relationships in Pennsylvania, Abba immediately brought the right people into my life in Virginia Beach. You have to understand that if He takes you out of a season, there's always a new one awaiting you. Remember that as believers, we are created to be in community with one another, so if you find you're not building relationships as soon as you thought, don't wait around for people to invite themselves into your life. Be intentional about spending time with people who can teach and edify you.
I've realized recently that God is stripping me of those who were in my life for a season. For the longest time I've been trying to figure out why a lot of people in my life disappeared and seemed to have "backed out on me". God revealed to me that they were in my life for a season--and that season is overdue. Recently, I've been noticing that I'm around an entirely different group of people than I've been this past year. New people came into my life, and I'm growing and developing even more with them. Sure I miss my old friends here, a lot actually, but if we aren't as close as we used to be it's probably either because life just got too busy and we neglected our relationship, or they were just in my life for a season.
If you're hurting and feel like you've been forgotten, neglected and denied by those you love because of seasons in their life, remember that it's likely just as hard for them as it is for you to let go. You may feel like you mean nothing to those you adore for a time, but you must remember that you mean EVERYTHING to Someone who has promised to never leave you. Use that time to make Him your everything!
Whatever the case, you have to trust that God brings people into your life for a reason and a season. If there's something He needs to get across to you through someone who's surrendered, He'll cross your paths. Same goes for those in your life God has entrusted you to minister to and spend quality time with. He doesn't just use your current relationships; there are ones awaiting you that you have no idea about just yet. Embrace the seasons in your life, and remember what God has worked in and through you in those seasons. Learn to be satisfied in Christ alone if God chooses to keep you in a "dry" season for a short time. Like John Piper said, God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him :)
The Bible says there is a time and season for everything under the sun, and we need to learn to be okay with that. We need to learn to let go. The relationships in our lives are gifts from our Heavenly Father. He gives and takes away, and He can do that because He's God. He knows what's best for us and who we need in our lives during each season.
When someone close to you is transitioning, or even moves away, and you fear that you'll loose touch, seek God's heart first to make sure He even wants you in that person's life anymore, at the same level of relationship. You have to remember that yourr connections with believers are always eternal, so you'll see them again in Heaven, but God may choose to separate you and your loved one for a period of time, or even the rest of the time on Earth. That doesn't mean your memories stop, or that you can't stop by the new place if you're in the area, or even that God has rejected you. It just means that God knows you better than you know yourself and had you in close relationship with a special person for a season that is now overdue.
I've heard God tell me He wants me to support my loved one's transition in any way I can, and it wasn't until weeks later that He revealed His plan for the relationship to me. I still talk with my old church family in Pennsylvania and communicate with them from time to time, but they are not my primary family anymore--my new church in Virginia Beach is. I was spiritually nourished, encouraged and developed in that church, but it was time to move on to something greater God had for me. When I lost those close relationships in Pennsylvania, Abba immediately brought the right people into my life in Virginia Beach. You have to understand that if He takes you out of a season, there's always a new one awaiting you. Remember that as believers, we are created to be in community with one another, so if you find you're not building relationships as soon as you thought, don't wait around for people to invite themselves into your life. Be intentional about spending time with people who can teach and edify you.
I've realized recently that God is stripping me of those who were in my life for a season. For the longest time I've been trying to figure out why a lot of people in my life disappeared and seemed to have "backed out on me". God revealed to me that they were in my life for a season--and that season is overdue. Recently, I've been noticing that I'm around an entirely different group of people than I've been this past year. New people came into my life, and I'm growing and developing even more with them. Sure I miss my old friends here, a lot actually, but if we aren't as close as we used to be it's probably either because life just got too busy and we neglected our relationship, or they were just in my life for a season.
If you're hurting and feel like you've been forgotten, neglected and denied by those you love because of seasons in their life, remember that it's likely just as hard for them as it is for you to let go. You may feel like you mean nothing to those you adore for a time, but you must remember that you mean EVERYTHING to Someone who has promised to never leave you. Use that time to make Him your everything!
Whatever the case, you have to trust that God brings people into your life for a reason and a season. If there's something He needs to get across to you through someone who's surrendered, He'll cross your paths. Same goes for those in your life God has entrusted you to minister to and spend quality time with. He doesn't just use your current relationships; there are ones awaiting you that you have no idea about just yet. Embrace the seasons in your life, and remember what God has worked in and through you in those seasons. Learn to be satisfied in Christ alone if God chooses to keep you in a "dry" season for a short time. Like John Piper said, God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him :)
Saturday, August 30, 2008
A night in jail? Or God's favor? .... I pick God's favor!
Wow, I never thought I'd come so close to being thrown in prison! Katie and I decided we wanted to be bad tonight, since we don't get to do it very often, so we intentionally sat at a forbidden lake.... I'm KIDDING! Well, about the being bad and "intentional" part ;)
We grabbed Starbucks and wanted to find a nice place outside to sit and chat for a while. We hadn't seen each other for over a month and Kate thought we should check out Lake Christopher......... BAD IDEA! (but I still love ya, girl, ha)
It was dark when we got there, and since we were already talking, we didn't even think about looking for signs at the lake. We saw another couple sitting by the water, so we figured it was okay. (Another bad idea) We also had no idea it was illegal to be at that particular lake if you didn't live in that neighborhood...
We'd been talking for about an hour an a half when an extremely vicious (and I mean VICIOUS, she had no mark of mercy on her) officer walked up to us and told us we were breaking the law by trespassing. I asked her if we missed signs, and with the cauckiest attitude I've ever experienced she said "uh, yeah, about three of them over there"... Then she commanded us to get our ID's, which were in my car (which I also couldn't find at the time because we had walked so far, which also did not look very good on my part). On my way over, my spirit told me Virginia law is much different than Pennsylvania law (HA..HA.... re-heally, Kellie?) so I prayed for favor with this mean lady as I grabbed our purses. When I got back her personality completely changed; she was like "You're lucky I'm in a good mood now for some reason, otherwise you'da been fined $2500, arrested and thrown in prison for a year for criminal trespassing... I need you to sign this as a suspect, but it's just a warning. If I see you again, I won't be so nice" ....... ??!!!!! What??!!! I started praising Jesus in my head as I nodded and said "yes, mam"!
Katie and I looked at each other and smiled because we so knew we both just individually prayed for favor and got it. Whew, those "arrow" prayers that Nehemiah shot to heaven during his talk with the king are POWERFUL and EFFECTIVE! Just like the prayer of a righteous man! I hope I mean something to you and you're as grateful as I am that I'm not locked up for a year ;)
Lesson learned? God's favor is incredible (as always) and, ALWAYS LOOK FOR SIGNS!!!! ;)
We grabbed Starbucks and wanted to find a nice place outside to sit and chat for a while. We hadn't seen each other for over a month and Kate thought we should check out Lake Christopher......... BAD IDEA! (but I still love ya, girl, ha)
It was dark when we got there, and since we were already talking, we didn't even think about looking for signs at the lake. We saw another couple sitting by the water, so we figured it was okay. (Another bad idea) We also had no idea it was illegal to be at that particular lake if you didn't live in that neighborhood...
We'd been talking for about an hour an a half when an extremely vicious (and I mean VICIOUS, she had no mark of mercy on her) officer walked up to us and told us we were breaking the law by trespassing. I asked her if we missed signs, and with the cauckiest attitude I've ever experienced she said "uh, yeah, about three of them over there"... Then she commanded us to get our ID's, which were in my car (which I also couldn't find at the time because we had walked so far, which also did not look very good on my part). On my way over, my spirit told me Virginia law is much different than Pennsylvania law (HA..HA.... re-heally, Kellie?) so I prayed for favor with this mean lady as I grabbed our purses. When I got back her personality completely changed; she was like "You're lucky I'm in a good mood now for some reason, otherwise you'da been fined $2500, arrested and thrown in prison for a year for criminal trespassing... I need you to sign this as a suspect, but it's just a warning. If I see you again, I won't be so nice" ....... ??!!!!! What??!!! I started praising Jesus in my head as I nodded and said "yes, mam"!
Katie and I looked at each other and smiled because we so knew we both just individually prayed for favor and got it. Whew, those "arrow" prayers that Nehemiah shot to heaven during his talk with the king are POWERFUL and EFFECTIVE! Just like the prayer of a righteous man! I hope I mean something to you and you're as grateful as I am that I'm not locked up for a year ;)
Lesson learned? God's favor is incredible (as always) and, ALWAYS LOOK FOR SIGNS!!!! ;)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Needed to be loved by others?
So, yeah, God's love is SUFFICIENT, but I'm learning more about that "needed to be loved by others" thing... like, the whole purpose of the church thing... haha
I guess since I've known the Lord, I've never thought about what it would be like to loose my church family, be without them or apart from them for a time. I've been in ministry since I met the Lord, so others are always in my life, for me to pour into. And I love it. But it's not always the other way around (this is why I hate when Life Groups and Bible studies break for extensive amounts of time). That's one of the many struggles of being in ministry alone (as in personal, individual ministry God has burdened my own heart for). Please hear me, I'm not saying being in the secret place with Jesus isn't enough; I'm simply saying the need to be loved by others is totally natural, and when that's lacking, I lack.
But right now, I kinda feel like "okay, what happened? where did you all go?" It's like everyone fell off the face of the Earth at the hardest time in my life (many who I consider close to me, anyway). Life changes, transitions happen and people just get busy--it's expected, and I understand that. And people are in our earthly life for a season, not always forever. Maybe that's just a little hard for me to understand right now, especially when I need friends the most and they've seemed to vanish.
Although I don't like that busyness has infected my friendships (on my part, too), this is certainly a good place to be. Like I always say, "It's me and Jesus, baby!" haha I know since I'm dependent upon God He'll fill me to the overflow, for ALL my needs, but also, I understand that need to be loved and needed by others is still very much real, and very much felt, or non-felt in my case right now. I hate to say it this way because it sounds so terrible, but I'm beginning to feel what some people say they feel when they leave the church--betrayed or abandoned by those who claim to be Christ's love on the Earth. (Please don't think this is my way of saying I'm abandoning God and leaving the church--it is totally not! I am NOT going anywhere--My wired spirit is gripping God too tight!) I'm just saying that I feel like I'm identifying with how they feel a little bit. And it doesn't feel good.
Rachel and I were talking the other day and she mentioned the Five Love Languages. Since I haven't read the book and have no idea what they are I told her she needed to spill the beans ;) If this even is one, I'd have to say one of mine is definately that when I get invited to a get together by someone I know, love and trust, I feel completely adored and loved. When I don't, and I hear about get togethers that I wasn't invited to, or see my friends hanging out without me, especially by those I consider to be good friends, it doesn't make me feel valued by them. And it hurts. I'm someone who receives affirmation well in action. So when someone makes a clear effort to invite me somewhere, I feel incredibly loved, but when it's a last minute invitation once the party's started, I don't feel loved. When someone does something for me, it means everything (Jesus demonstrated that perfectly on the cross). Sure I'll gladly go, but I don't feel like the person thought about actually wanting me to be there, and that pierces my heart.
This has really made me examine MY level of friendship and support to the "others" in my own life. I am surely one of "those" that I'm referring to; I know some relationships that have been compromised in my own life due to school, work, and life in general. I know it's not easy to keep up with so many people. I'm just praying, "Lord, show me the balance..."
It's still good to know that my God is with me and that He'll never leave me or forsake me. He wants Kellie time, and Kellie wants Jesus time.
...Do you ever notice how He uses your passions to re-fuel your spirit? I got invited to ride with some friends at the ranch tomorrow... ah, being at the ranch with the horses is enough to make me smile :) Daddy knows what I need before I even ask Him ;)
I guess since I've known the Lord, I've never thought about what it would be like to loose my church family, be without them or apart from them for a time. I've been in ministry since I met the Lord, so others are always in my life, for me to pour into. And I love it. But it's not always the other way around (this is why I hate when Life Groups and Bible studies break for extensive amounts of time). That's one of the many struggles of being in ministry alone (as in personal, individual ministry God has burdened my own heart for). Please hear me, I'm not saying being in the secret place with Jesus isn't enough; I'm simply saying the need to be loved by others is totally natural, and when that's lacking, I lack.
But right now, I kinda feel like "okay, what happened? where did you all go?" It's like everyone fell off the face of the Earth at the hardest time in my life (many who I consider close to me, anyway). Life changes, transitions happen and people just get busy--it's expected, and I understand that. And people are in our earthly life for a season, not always forever. Maybe that's just a little hard for me to understand right now, especially when I need friends the most and they've seemed to vanish.
Although I don't like that busyness has infected my friendships (on my part, too), this is certainly a good place to be. Like I always say, "It's me and Jesus, baby!" haha I know since I'm dependent upon God He'll fill me to the overflow, for ALL my needs, but also, I understand that need to be loved and needed by others is still very much real, and very much felt, or non-felt in my case right now. I hate to say it this way because it sounds so terrible, but I'm beginning to feel what some people say they feel when they leave the church--betrayed or abandoned by those who claim to be Christ's love on the Earth. (Please don't think this is my way of saying I'm abandoning God and leaving the church--it is totally not! I am NOT going anywhere--My wired spirit is gripping God too tight!) I'm just saying that I feel like I'm identifying with how they feel a little bit. And it doesn't feel good.
Rachel and I were talking the other day and she mentioned the Five Love Languages. Since I haven't read the book and have no idea what they are I told her she needed to spill the beans ;) If this even is one, I'd have to say one of mine is definately that when I get invited to a get together by someone I know, love and trust, I feel completely adored and loved. When I don't, and I hear about get togethers that I wasn't invited to, or see my friends hanging out without me, especially by those I consider to be good friends, it doesn't make me feel valued by them. And it hurts. I'm someone who receives affirmation well in action. So when someone makes a clear effort to invite me somewhere, I feel incredibly loved, but when it's a last minute invitation once the party's started, I don't feel loved. When someone does something for me, it means everything (Jesus demonstrated that perfectly on the cross). Sure I'll gladly go, but I don't feel like the person thought about actually wanting me to be there, and that pierces my heart.
This has really made me examine MY level of friendship and support to the "others" in my own life. I am surely one of "those" that I'm referring to; I know some relationships that have been compromised in my own life due to school, work, and life in general. I know it's not easy to keep up with so many people. I'm just praying, "Lord, show me the balance..."
It's still good to know that my God is with me and that He'll never leave me or forsake me. He wants Kellie time, and Kellie wants Jesus time.
...Do you ever notice how He uses your passions to re-fuel your spirit? I got invited to ride with some friends at the ranch tomorrow... ah, being at the ranch with the horses is enough to make me smile :) Daddy knows what I need before I even ask Him ;)
A soothing night... you should try this
You should really think about keeping worship music playing in your room or apartment all the time... last night my roomates were up until 3am laughing and goofing off (gotta love 'em, they're young freshman enjoying their new college experience), but I just wanted to have a peaceful night to feel God's presence and fall asleep thinking about Him, so I played worship music all night. I laid in my bed and couldn't help but smile... it felt so good to think about Daddy, talk to Him, and fall asleep knowing His angels were encamped around me. I woke up this morning feeling so refreshed and well rested.
I think I found a new cure for sleep apnea ;)
I think I found a new cure for sleep apnea ;)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Worshipping with Eddie J
...Eddie J & his ministry from IHOP led worship tonight at church. It was the final celebration for the month of prayer. And WOW, I can't even describe it. It was incredible. Although lately, I've been feeling a shift in my spiritual and natural life--I'm not as energetic or crazy as I usually am. Maybe it's just because of all that's going on, or maybe it's a spiritual season God is harvesting, but while everyone else was jumping around, laughing in the Spirit, and dancing, all I felt the need to do was stand there and worship. There's nothing wrong with that, but it stirred me because I'm like "Lord, this isn't the Kellie I'm used to... " Usually I'd be the craziest one there haha Maybe He's teaching me reverence... and just wanting me to rest and reflect. Shortly after, I heard Him tell me to pour out what He's poured into me--He told me to go to the alter and pray over those who were there. I'm like "hmm, okay, you haven't asked this in a while, but yep, I'm all over it" So when I got to the alter, the prophetic poured OUT of me! God was ministering to people left and right through me; it was powerful! Lots of tears and and confirmations. Whew, work it, Daddy, work it!
Things are looking up!
God has proved Himself faithful yet again!
I started to get really concerned about the fact that my pot of money is about to run out, and as hard as it was, I just kept telling myself that my God would take care of me. (I love how making yourself praise Him builds your faith.. it's absolutely beautiful) With every last breath I had, I was speaking in faith that He is more than my rock, refuge and shelter; He is my provider. He knew I really did not want to tap into my "marriage/college" fund ;)
Found three checks in the mail... they will hold me over for another month until I get a job :) Thank-you, Daddy!
And, so many people have been offering to buy or make me a meal (particularly guys... I guess all you have to do to get a guy to ask you out is proclaim your poorness haha). I haven't had to buy groceries for a few weeks--THAT is a miracle considering I go to the store every week! It's really incredible! Lelia prayed over me a few weeks ago asking God to burden people to provide meals for me--I think He an
swered ;)
Seriously, do we REALLY have reason to doubt our God? No, we don't. He promises to be faithful, ALL the time. And He is!
My buddy, Jonathan, took me out for dinner, a night of "pirate" put-put at the oceanfront and a stroll along the beach last night. I really needed it. Could I ask for better friends?!?!
I started to get really concerned about the fact that my pot of money is about to run out, and as hard as it was, I just kept telling myself that my God would take care of me. (I love how making yourself praise Him builds your faith.. it's absolutely beautiful) With every last breath I had, I was speaking in faith that He is more than my rock, refuge and shelter; He is my provider. He knew I really did not want to tap into my "marriage/college" fund ;)
Found three checks in the mail... they will hold me over for another month until I get a job :) Thank-you, Daddy!
And, so many people have been offering to buy or make me a meal (particularly guys... I guess all you have to do to get a guy to ask you out is proclaim your poorness haha). I haven't had to buy groceries for a few weeks--THAT is a miracle considering I go to the store every week! It's really incredible! Lelia prayed over me a few weeks ago asking God to burden people to provide meals for me--I think He an
swered ;)Seriously, do we REALLY have reason to doubt our God? No, we don't. He promises to be faithful, ALL the time. And He is!
My buddy, Jonathan, took me out for dinner, a night of "pirate" put-put at the oceanfront and a stroll along the beach last night. I really needed it. Could I ask for better friends?!?!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Living with transition...Prophetic Word! Part 4
Oh my gosh... I was flipping through some old journals tonight and found an entry I made on January, 6, 2008:
"When I was at home for Christmas this year, God woke me up one night at 3am and told me 'The church will go through a period of trial and pain', so I immediately began praying for us. ...When I was at One Thing (a conference in Kansas City) He said 'I'm about to shake the earth' and I've been feeling this in my spirit for about 3 months prior--that He's doing something HUGE in '08. Later, the leaders at OneThing said "God is about to shake us and the Earth!' I feel like He's called me to intercede for so many different things it's crazy! Crazy good!"
I believe that trial and pain has hit a lot of the church--I've been hearing non-stop about church members walking through tremendous trials and pain, and I am included. God's moving big time, people! Be prepared!
"When I was at home for Christmas this year, God woke me up one night at 3am and told me 'The church will go through a period of trial and pain', so I immediately began praying for us. ...When I was at One Thing (a conference in Kansas City) He said 'I'm about to shake the earth' and I've been feeling this in my spirit for about 3 months prior--that He's doing something HUGE in '08. Later, the leaders at OneThing said "God is about to shake us and the Earth!' I feel like He's called me to intercede for so many different things it's crazy! Crazy good!"
I believe that trial and pain has hit a lot of the church--I've been hearing non-stop about church members walking through tremendous trials and pain, and I am included. God's moving big time, people! Be prepared!
Living with transition; Why I refuse to give up
So what in the world have I made of all this? How haven’t I given up, or thrown it all away? Why haven’t I cursed God, or stopped believing He is good, ALL the time when my circumstances suck?
I wish I could tell you I once knew this famous, inspirational person who gave me some good advice about how to hold on to your faith. Or that my family is strong in the Lord and can offer me counsel or money. Or even that at least I’m married and have emotional, physical and financial support from my spouse. But I don’t have any of that. What I do have is an intimate relationship with my Savior, and the Bible—the only two things I need to survive this life on Earth. I've built my new life on the foundation of God's Word and His love. If I didn’t have Jesus, I would have been dead years ago, and that is no lie or exaggeration.
There is no real answer that tells us how to live our individual lives on Earth. We don't know what will happen tomorrow, today, or even in the next five minutes. We don't know where we'll end up living, who we'll marry, how many kids we'll have, or how we'll change the world. But God tells us to love Him, love people and enjoy the life He died so we could have. He promises to lead and guide us into the destiny He has for us; our job is to seek him for for who He is and for answers about life. It is the glory of God to reveal a matter; the glory of kings to search it out (Proverbs 25:2). Certainly we are taught the principles of living healthy and under God’s design as His beloved children, and we have plenty of Kingdom wisdom available to make the right decisions, but there isn’t always a direct answer written down for us for the unexpected in our lives; we need to access and exercise love and wisdom from heaven.
So when jobs are lost, homes are foreclosed or lost, family dies, education is suspended, money is gone, and sickness arises, it’s time to step up action in the Kingdom of God. The key is to fix your eyes on Jesus, not your circumstances. We have been given authority in the spirit realm to take hold of that which Christ has taken hold of us. Direction, hope, deliverance, security and health are accessible through Jesus, but there must be expectancy to receive it. We can’t expect God to do everything for us; we play a major part in His plan by responding to Him. Jesus said, “Ask and you shall receive, Seek, and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened for you.”
This is a very important time in my life where I can choose to embrace what God is doing and how He is moving, or I can choose to reject Him because my life doesn’t look like I want it to right now. I first need to understand that my situation isn’t about me; it’s about what God is doing in and through me through these circumstances. I am being shaped, formed and fashioned for a greater purpose, and if I didn’t experience this kind of faith testing right now, who says I won’t give up next time something like this comes along? God knows what He’s doing; why do you think Jesus talked about the importance of exercising your faith? So you will be able to stand firm when the tides come crashing in!
The Bible says everyone is given a deposit of faith; I believe to exercise and shape for current AND later situations in life. All I am doing right now is choosing to use my mustard seed of faith to move the mountains that are before me. Along with believing and praying in faith, I declare the goodness and greatness of God; His faithfulness; His grace; His compassion, His provision for His people and the rest of the wonderful attributes He has. Praising Him reminds me how good He truly is, and it builds my faith. Having His love outweighs any bad circumstance or situation in my earthly life. The more faith I have, the easier change becomes because I trust that my God has my best interest in mind and has a better plan and purpose than the plan that was only for a season.
This is precisely where I believe God tests our willingness to hang on to Him when life falls apart. We have a free will to exercise; we can either choose God in the good AND the bad, or we can reject the bad instead of embrace it. Let me suggest if you choose only the good, you're not allowing God's best to happen in and through you. Why should all the growth God has developed in me through the "bad" be canceled because my circumstances aren't where I think they should be? That's rejecting God's hand in me as much as turning my back on Him during hard times is. I don't want to even TOUCH what God has done in and through me--it's too absolutely beautiful and valuable, and that's His to mess with, not mine.
I believe one of the keys to hanging on and fighting the good fight of faith is knowing God's character. You have to be CERTAIN that He's for you, not against you. He’s proven over and over in His Word and through His people that He is faithful to those who wholeheartedly belong to Him. Because I know Him and His heart, I know He would never leave me or forsake me—He promised. So because I know and trust Him, I know He won’t leave me hanging in the dust; there MUST be another plan for my life lined up for this next season.
It all comes down to this: All my help comes from Him. The Bible promises that, and that’s what I believe. I love Jesus, and Jesus loves me. He would never pull me out of a season without having a fresh, beautiful season awaiting me. That’s the joy of pressing on to win the prize—more intimacy with Jesus, and having what He wants you to have. Circumstances are just that, circumstances. They don’t define my life; God does. He is my rock, my refuge, & my shelter—my place of safety. He keeps me from falling apart, so I choose to see my life through eternal eyes, not earthly ones. No matter how hard it is to hang on, I’ll never let go. You shouldn’t either.
I wish I could tell you I once knew this famous, inspirational person who gave me some good advice about how to hold on to your faith. Or that my family is strong in the Lord and can offer me counsel or money. Or even that at least I’m married and have emotional, physical and financial support from my spouse. But I don’t have any of that. What I do have is an intimate relationship with my Savior, and the Bible—the only two things I need to survive this life on Earth. I've built my new life on the foundation of God's Word and His love. If I didn’t have Jesus, I would have been dead years ago, and that is no lie or exaggeration.
There is no real answer that tells us how to live our individual lives on Earth. We don't know what will happen tomorrow, today, or even in the next five minutes. We don't know where we'll end up living, who we'll marry, how many kids we'll have, or how we'll change the world. But God tells us to love Him, love people and enjoy the life He died so we could have. He promises to lead and guide us into the destiny He has for us; our job is to seek him for for who He is and for answers about life. It is the glory of God to reveal a matter; the glory of kings to search it out (Proverbs 25:2). Certainly we are taught the principles of living healthy and under God’s design as His beloved children, and we have plenty of Kingdom wisdom available to make the right decisions, but there isn’t always a direct answer written down for us for the unexpected in our lives; we need to access and exercise love and wisdom from heaven.
So when jobs are lost, homes are foreclosed or lost, family dies, education is suspended, money is gone, and sickness arises, it’s time to step up action in the Kingdom of God. The key is to fix your eyes on Jesus, not your circumstances. We have been given authority in the spirit realm to take hold of that which Christ has taken hold of us. Direction, hope, deliverance, security and health are accessible through Jesus, but there must be expectancy to receive it. We can’t expect God to do everything for us; we play a major part in His plan by responding to Him. Jesus said, “Ask and you shall receive, Seek, and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened for you.”
This is a very important time in my life where I can choose to embrace what God is doing and how He is moving, or I can choose to reject Him because my life doesn’t look like I want it to right now. I first need to understand that my situation isn’t about me; it’s about what God is doing in and through me through these circumstances. I am being shaped, formed and fashioned for a greater purpose, and if I didn’t experience this kind of faith testing right now, who says I won’t give up next time something like this comes along? God knows what He’s doing; why do you think Jesus talked about the importance of exercising your faith? So you will be able to stand firm when the tides come crashing in!
The Bible says everyone is given a deposit of faith; I believe to exercise and shape for current AND later situations in life. All I am doing right now is choosing to use my mustard seed of faith to move the mountains that are before me. Along with believing and praying in faith, I declare the goodness and greatness of God; His faithfulness; His grace; His compassion, His provision for His people and the rest of the wonderful attributes He has. Praising Him reminds me how good He truly is, and it builds my faith. Having His love outweighs any bad circumstance or situation in my earthly life. The more faith I have, the easier change becomes because I trust that my God has my best interest in mind and has a better plan and purpose than the plan that was only for a season.
This is precisely where I believe God tests our willingness to hang on to Him when life falls apart. We have a free will to exercise; we can either choose God in the good AND the bad, or we can reject the bad instead of embrace it. Let me suggest if you choose only the good, you're not allowing God's best to happen in and through you. Why should all the growth God has developed in me through the "bad" be canceled because my circumstances aren't where I think they should be? That's rejecting God's hand in me as much as turning my back on Him during hard times is. I don't want to even TOUCH what God has done in and through me--it's too absolutely beautiful and valuable, and that's His to mess with, not mine.
I believe one of the keys to hanging on and fighting the good fight of faith is knowing God's character. You have to be CERTAIN that He's for you, not against you. He’s proven over and over in His Word and through His people that He is faithful to those who wholeheartedly belong to Him. Because I know Him and His heart, I know He would never leave me or forsake me—He promised. So because I know and trust Him, I know He won’t leave me hanging in the dust; there MUST be another plan for my life lined up for this next season.
It all comes down to this: All my help comes from Him. The Bible promises that, and that’s what I believe. I love Jesus, and Jesus loves me. He would never pull me out of a season without having a fresh, beautiful season awaiting me. That’s the joy of pressing on to win the prize—more intimacy with Jesus, and having what He wants you to have. Circumstances are just that, circumstances. They don’t define my life; God does. He is my rock, my refuge, & my shelter—my place of safety. He keeps me from falling apart, so I choose to see my life through eternal eyes, not earthly ones. No matter how hard it is to hang on, I’ll never let go. You shouldn’t either.
Living with transition Continued...
(at the ranch playing "Miss Kitty" in the Virginia City skit for the girl scouts..having fun yelling at your "sheriff" boyfriend is a soothing way to get your mind off of life for a while haha)
I got back to the beach on Wednesday afternoon, unloaded my things and immediately got to work packing up my room and apartment. I spent Thursday and Friday running around looking for boxes, packing, checking out apartments, applying for more jobs and spending a few hours signing up with a temp agency since I hadn’t heard from ANY companies interested in an interview in three weeks. I’m not a big fan of temp agencies, but I was desperate. By Saturday I was completely exhausted from the past few weeks, all the travel, and my mind and heart just needed a rest, so I took my Sabbath on Saturday. Thankfully, it was beautiful outside, so I relaxed at the beach for a few hours, then had dinner and watched a movie with Jenna. I love the Lord for commanding us to REST!
Monday morning came sooner than I thought, and I was back at the ranch, thankfully!
I feel so free to be me out there. There’s something about doing what you love and being who you are that makes you enjoy creation in a whole new light. I find myself worshipping God more at the ranch than I ever thought I could while working. Basically, I was relieved to be back. When Taylor saw me, she ran up to me and gave me the biggest, longest hug ever. It’s amazing how a hug from a 14 year old young woman can change your world in an instant. She’s so special to me. Then Tim (my amazing boss) gave me the biggest hug ever, encouraged me so much and told me how much he and everyone at the ranch missed and loved me. I cried… it’s melting to know how much I’m loved and don’t even realize it. I needed hugs and love so much by the time I got there—God used my family at the ranch to console me more than THEY even realize. I felt Jesus wrap His arms around me each time someone gave me a hug, and that’s why I couldn’t help but cry. It felt so good.
It wasn’t long, though, before I ran into some more obstacles. When I’d get home and cleaned up, ready to start my night of job hunting, apartment searching, and packing, more opportunities for me to stop believing and give up snuck up faster than I could blink my eyes. My keyboard for my laptop hadn’t come yet, so I was running back and forth to the library to check my e-mail and research jobs and apartments. I’d get there and realize I forgot something at home, or left a phone number or e-mail address at home that I needed, or completely left the apartment guide on my desk, or my phone in my car… whatever it was, it was something. And something that led me to more frustration. I can’t tell you how many times I had to sit in my chair at the library, take a deep breath and close my eyes, replaying scripture in my mind so I didn’t go crazy. Part of me wanted to stand up and scream swear words so loud, but I clenched my teeth, and chose better words instead ;)
I think all of this is taking more of a toll on my body than I realize. I woke up around 2:30am the other night throwing up, with intense stomach pain and weakness all over my body. I didn’t end up falling asleep until after 6am. Usually, I’m up at 5:45am getting ready to leave for the ranch, so I had to text in and let them know I wouldn’t be in until later in the morning. When I woke up, I was still extremely queasy, but went anyway. I made it through two trail rides, then had to just stop. It was uncomfortable to even walk; my stomach was all over the place. Vicki told me I needed a day off, so she sent me home to rest. There’s no doubt I need rest, but I’m loosing money that I need by not being at work. That’s a bummer… Food hasn’t been my friend for a few days now, although thankfully sleep has. Water, light sugared juice and crackers are all I can keep down. I figured I could go in today, but I’m still only feeling about 60%, so I took another day to rest. During the night I couldn’t sleep, I did something I probably shouldn’t have done being as vulnerable as I was in that moment; I went to webmd.com and typed my problem and symptoms and came across something that freaked me out—a parasite that is caused from drinking contaminated water in another country (which I did, unknowingly). The doctor said I needed to be checked right away, but by the time I got home to check my e-mail, I found out that my health insurance expired on the 14th, and since I’m not a student anymore I can’t re-apply for the student health insurance. So, I can’t go to the doctor because I don’t even have money on my credit card to charge for an appointment and medication. (can’t get another credit card because they need proof of full time work for a year) I’m without insurance until I get a full-time job with benefits… which also means I can no longer get my monthly prescriptions. Another extreme frustration that I just had to leave in the hands of Jesus.
Then, a day later, I got an e-mail saying I owed the University almost $3,000. Long story short, the manager in the housing office apparently didn’t know the agreement that was made for me to leave student housing by September 1st, since I wasn’t taking classes and was planning to move, and expected me to stay and pay rent until December 1st, when the lease ends. As it stands, since I’m breaking the lease, and no one ran my situation by her, I am supposed to stay in the Commons to pay rent until December 1st… even though I found an apartment, put down the security deposit & application fee, and planned to sign my new lease and start moving things over this weekend. There is no way I can afford to take care of rent for two places, (it’s hard enough for a 1BR apartment around here), so I’m just waiting to hear back from her. This is yet another situation that I need Jesus to resolve. He will, though; it’s just a matter of time.
So, here I am. And all I can do is continue trusting God. I’m comforted by tons of others I know who are experiencing transition right now, too, but at the end of the day all I can do is believe, and remember that God is in control.
He’s the Creator of the UNIVERSE, He can certainly take care of me and my circumstances. As the Africans say, praise Jesu!
Monday morning came sooner than I thought, and I was back at the ranch, thankfully!
I feel so free to be me out there. There’s something about doing what you love and being who you are that makes you enjoy creation in a whole new light. I find myself worshipping God more at the ranch than I ever thought I could while working. Basically, I was relieved to be back. When Taylor saw me, she ran up to me and gave me the biggest, longest hug ever. It’s amazing how a hug from a 14 year old young woman can change your world in an instant. She’s so special to me. Then Tim (my amazing boss) gave me the biggest hug ever, encouraged me so much and told me how much he and everyone at the ranch missed and loved me. I cried… it’s melting to know how much I’m loved and don’t even realize it. I needed hugs and love so much by the time I got there—God used my family at the ranch to console me more than THEY even realize. I felt Jesus wrap His arms around me each time someone gave me a hug, and that’s why I couldn’t help but cry. It felt so good.
It wasn’t long, though, before I ran into some more obstacles. When I’d get home and cleaned up, ready to start my night of job hunting, apartment searching, and packing, more opportunities for me to stop believing and give up snuck up faster than I could blink my eyes. My keyboard for my laptop hadn’t come yet, so I was running back and forth to the library to check my e-mail and research jobs and apartments. I’d get there and realize I forgot something at home, or left a phone number or e-mail address at home that I needed, or completely left the apartment guide on my desk, or my phone in my car… whatever it was, it was something. And something that led me to more frustration. I can’t tell you how many times I had to sit in my chair at the library, take a deep breath and close my eyes, replaying scripture in my mind so I didn’t go crazy. Part of me wanted to stand up and scream swear words so loud, but I clenched my teeth, and chose better words instead ;)
I think all of this is taking more of a toll on my body than I realize. I woke up around 2:30am the other night throwing up, with intense stomach pain and weakness all over my body. I didn’t end up falling asleep until after 6am. Usually, I’m up at 5:45am getting ready to leave for the ranch, so I had to text in and let them know I wouldn’t be in until later in the morning. When I woke up, I was still extremely queasy, but went anyway. I made it through two trail rides, then had to just stop. It was uncomfortable to even walk; my stomach was all over the place. Vicki told me I needed a day off, so she sent me home to rest. There’s no doubt I need rest, but I’m loosing money that I need by not being at work. That’s a bummer… Food hasn’t been my friend for a few days now, although thankfully sleep has. Water, light sugared juice and crackers are all I can keep down. I figured I could go in today, but I’m still only feeling about 60%, so I took another day to rest. During the night I couldn’t sleep, I did something I probably shouldn’t have done being as vulnerable as I was in that moment; I went to webmd.com and typed my problem and symptoms and came across something that freaked me out—a parasite that is caused from drinking contaminated water in another country (which I did, unknowingly). The doctor said I needed to be checked right away, but by the time I got home to check my e-mail, I found out that my health insurance expired on the 14th, and since I’m not a student anymore I can’t re-apply for the student health insurance. So, I can’t go to the doctor because I don’t even have money on my credit card to charge for an appointment and medication. (can’t get another credit card because they need proof of full time work for a year) I’m without insurance until I get a full-time job with benefits… which also means I can no longer get my monthly prescriptions. Another extreme frustration that I just had to leave in the hands of Jesus.
Then, a day later, I got an e-mail saying I owed the University almost $3,000. Long story short, the manager in the housing office apparently didn’t know the agreement that was made for me to leave student housing by September 1st, since I wasn’t taking classes and was planning to move, and expected me to stay and pay rent until December 1st, when the lease ends. As it stands, since I’m breaking the lease, and no one ran my situation by her, I am supposed to stay in the Commons to pay rent until December 1st… even though I found an apartment, put down the security deposit & application fee, and planned to sign my new lease and start moving things over this weekend. There is no way I can afford to take care of rent for two places, (it’s hard enough for a 1BR apartment around here), so I’m just waiting to hear back from her. This is yet another situation that I need Jesus to resolve. He will, though; it’s just a matter of time.
So, here I am. And all I can do is continue trusting God. I’m comforted by tons of others I know who are experiencing transition right now, too, but at the end of the day all I can do is believe, and remember that God is in control.
He’s the Creator of the UNIVERSE, He can certainly take care of me and my circumstances. As the Africans say, praise Jesu!
Living with transition
Soooo... did I ever mention that "transition" is my middle name?
There have been so many wonderful changes in my life that have brought me so close to my Father's heart, that I can't help but do anything but offer thanks and surrender to that "fearful" future with a fearless faith. Here's the latest season of transition...
Months ago the Lord began pressing my heart about working. When I came to Regent, I was set against working AT ALL because my grades inevitably drop so much doing school and work together. (being a perfectionist about my grades doesn't help much) I basically boxed the Lord in a corner and said, "I'm willingly going to Virginia Beach and will study and Regent, but I will NOT work and put myself through this stress again, so you just need to find a way to provide for me, cause I will not work again until I finish this degree at full-time status that I've been busting my butt for over the past 4 years". I can't help but laugh because no sooner than 8-9 months later He shifted my perspective completely and gave me a desire to work full-time again. Not only that, I was actually okay with going part-time or taking another year off. I remember being like, "uhh... God, what are you doing and what in the world is ahead, because this is SO not me!"
But, you have to know, I absolutely HATE debt. I have one credit card, and I HATE using it; it’s for emergencies ONLY. And with the student health insurance that only covers 80% (which was a blessing because I had no other way to have health insurance), and all of my health issues this year, I racked up tons of medical bills that I had to charge because I didn’t have the money to pay for them. Then, I went to Africa for a missions trip and had to unexpectedly dish out about $1,500 out of pocket at the last minute, so my card is at a much higher debt amount than I EVER expected or wanted it to be. So right now, I’m OVERLY happy to be able to work and pay it off, and to try and pay off some of my school debt… so I can get more of that to finish my Bachelor’s degree haha. But seriously, I also believe the Lord doesn't want me to enter marriage with loads of debt. So, all of this is good. And I mean, GOOD.
The Lord also reminded me that I'm not in Virginia Beach only to be a student at Regent. I'm here as a testimony to having the young adult friends in my life I prayed two years for, ministry opportunities, the leadership I've been stepping into in church, the ranch that God used to fulfill my dream of riding horses, along with a few other life impacting reasons. I've been sensing that He has more in store for me in this upcoming year; so much more that I couldn't take part in all of the treasures of heaven if I was in school this year. So, to say the least, I've been prepared for transition towards the end of 2008.
Here’s context of what I was dealing with before I got the news of my Gram's death…
Since I’m not taking classes this year, I can’t stay in on-campus housing (didn’t want to, anyway). I filled out a vacate notice and needed to be out by September 1st. Since I felt God leading me to be alone for another short season, I needed to find an apartment. Since I’m living on my own, I needed a full-time job to pay rent and bills. At this point, I’d applied for about 12 different jobs in the past two weeks with no response. My hope was to work full-time at Regent (because I LOVE this University), CBN or Founders Inn so I could get tuition reimbursement and go back to school next year (unless God brings a miracle, that’s the only thing that’s going to pay for the rest of my schooling). I was getting frustrated because the jobs that are going to pay for my expenses to live alone in this area all require a Bachelor’s degree… and I’m like, “uhh, I’m trying to get there! I’m 23 and I’ve only been working on my Bachelor’s for the past five years…” So, I was getting discouraged thinking I’m going to get a low paying job that won’t cover all my monthly expenses, and that I’ll continue this 5-yr cycle of not being able to finish my degree because I don’t have the money… I finally just got to the point where I’m like “Lord, will I EVER get a break?!” I started feeling much like those righteous people who suffer and watch the wicked prosper that the Bible talks to much about. Thankfully, it reminded me that those wicked people who prosper financially are chasing the wind because in the end, none of it matters because they won’t spend eternity with Jesus. At least I was comforted knowing that my Savior is walking through this with me and because I know Him He will provide for my needs, some way, some how.
So, at this point, I was getting a little concerned because I had less than a month to get a full time job and find a place to live. But I’m working full-time at the ranch until the last week of August (when camp season ends) b/c I needed SOME kind of income to hold me over until I get a job, so I only have the evenings to do all of my job and apartment hunting, along with packing up my current apartment. So, the weariness and frustrations were kicking in big time.
Then, Tuesday night, August 5th my dad called me crying and told me my Gram died. She had Parkinson’s, and was progressively getting worse this past year. Her death was somewhat expected, but I guess I never thought it would happen this soon. She was only 78. After Dad and I hung up, I was frozen for 15 minutes. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, and had no idea where I was (it’s a good thing I was in my room near my chair). This is the first death in my family I’ve ever experienced, so I’m still processing this death thing. I kept replaying the intimate conversations I’ve had with my Gram this past year, about life, the Lord, the future, etc. To give you an idea of how close she and I grew over the past few years, this past Christmas, when she was still bed-ridden at home, she asked me tons of questions about the Lord and was very complacent about the fact that she didn’t understand why she was suffering and God was okay with it. (She went to church all her life, read her Bible every day, and was developing a much closer relationship with God her last few years) We talked about all of it for a good hour and a half, and then I prayed with her. She kept telling me how inspired by me she is, and how proud of me she is. She never forgot to tell me how much she loved me—that I’d never had a clue how much she loves me—and just how darn proud of me she’s always been. I never walked away from her questioning my value to her, and it made me feel so good. And she was so excited I went to college, and always told me she prayed she’d make it to see my graduation. When that day comes one day, you'll understand why the tears will be flowing.
The Holy Spirit told me immediately my Dad needed me (he is single and lives alone, although my grampa lives across the street), so I packed up right away and drove the 8 hours home to PA the following morning. After I packed the car and got ready to leave in the morning, I prayed for my trip home, that I’d have the strength to make the drive alone without breaking down while driving (that could be dangerous). I had a few tears shed, but nothing that kept me from driving safely. So I got home, and um the Holy Spirit was right; Daddy was a mess, and he had to make all the funeral arrangements. I didn’t leave his side the entire time. We scheduled the viewing/funeral arrangements together, went to pick out flowers from the entire family, scheduled the funeral meal, and found places to house family from out of state. It was one of the hardest and busiest times of my life. I lost a lot of physical and emotional energy fast, along with more money I didn’t have (there wasn’t enough to cover all of the flower/food/housing expenses) , and was still concerned about and praying for my other circumstances in Virginia Beach. But my main prayer was to have supernatural strength to be there for my unsaved family, (while grieving myself) and to have opportunity to share God’s love with the rest of the family. They needed Jesus and me, and I was going to do whatever it took to be there for them. By far, in much abundance, my prayer was answered. While it was difficult week, I felt the prayers of many for me and my family, and I watched God weeding out unbelief in my family—about eternity, Jesus, and the entire Christian life. I had the opportunity to answer many questions my family asked about God and life, and shared the Gospel with them. What a privilege… Gram would have loved to know that God brought good out of her death.
Inbetween all the arrangements for Gram’s funeral, I was applying for full-time jobs online. Since I didn’t have time to do it before I left, I brought my laptop to transport my resume to my flash drive so I could send it online on my mom’s computer. Right after I turned to put the flash drive in her computer, her dog jumped on my computer and busted the entire keyboard. Keys were flying everywhere and tons of little pieces were missing. I’m not one to freak out in situations like that, and I didn’t, but that was just the icing on the cake… the last thing I needed while the rest of my life was all out of order… Mom and I picked up all the pieces, I took it to a computer wizard my dad knows, who told me my laptop was fine but I needed to purchase a new keyboard for it. By now, you have to understand I was really beginning to feel like Job, like everything I had was being taken from me (even though I knew there was another plan. I’d never experienced THIS much material and physical loss at one time so I was extremely overwhelmed) so I remember thinking “Great, one more thing to add to the list. More money I need to dish out that I don’t have…” In the end, this has all taught me a great lesson (more on that later), but in the moment I just had it. I was over it. I was beyond ready for God to come through any day…
It doesn’t help that my heart always breaks for the lack of finances in my family. It’s a struggle for them to even eat, let alone pay the mortgage and for gas to get to work. They don’t get to enjoy the things I have as a woman, like getting our hair done every once in a while, getting a manicure, or enjoying a nice meal at a restaurant. So every time I go back, I find myself pouring out what I have just to let them enjoy life a little, and get their minds off of the financial burdens. It kills me to see them struggle so much, especially when both my parents are disabled, and don’t receive enough money from the state to cover their needs. Living in a 2 stop light town doesn't give you much opportunity to make decent money, and it's hard to pick up and move without money... So when something as huge as a death in the family occurs, the financial necessity to cover burial/funeral arrangements takes a toll even more. This is only the beginning of their financial hardships though; there has been a financial curse on my entire family for generations that needs to be broken, so I’ve been interceding in prayer. Now I just wait to see God work the details out. He’ll do it, but I know He’s pressing them to BELIEVE He can and will do it. They have a part in God's plan, too.
So, after going through Gram’s house and cleaning it all out, Grampa told my sister and I that Gram had boxed up tons of her things for us to split evenly. It was exhausting and emotionally draining going through all of her stuff in a few days and packing it up, but it really was a blessing in disquise. I inherited brand new queen size bedding (I have a queen bed) with expensive pillows, brand new towels, all of her pans and dishes (she was an amazing cook and baker), clothes, cosmetics, soaps, lotions, etc., even cute flannels that fit me perfectly that I can wear in the winter at the ranch. I came back to Virginia Beach with a car packed full of stuff, and that’s only the first load. Of course, since I started packing my apartment in preparation to move, I have boxes stacked up in my room already, so when I brought her things in, it left me with a nice little path to my bed ;)
Well, that’s the story of my life in the past two weeks… to those of you who said God laid me on your heart, I think now you understand why ;)
More on the exciting journey ahead…
There have been so many wonderful changes in my life that have brought me so close to my Father's heart, that I can't help but do anything but offer thanks and surrender to that "fearful" future with a fearless faith. Here's the latest season of transition...
Months ago the Lord began pressing my heart about working. When I came to Regent, I was set against working AT ALL because my grades inevitably drop so much doing school and work together. (being a perfectionist about my grades doesn't help much) I basically boxed the Lord in a corner and said, "I'm willingly going to Virginia Beach and will study and Regent, but I will NOT work and put myself through this stress again, so you just need to find a way to provide for me, cause I will not work again until I finish this degree at full-time status that I've been busting my butt for over the past 4 years". I can't help but laugh because no sooner than 8-9 months later He shifted my perspective completely and gave me a desire to work full-time again. Not only that, I was actually okay with going part-time or taking another year off. I remember being like, "uhh... God, what are you doing and what in the world is ahead, because this is SO not me!"
But, you have to know, I absolutely HATE debt. I have one credit card, and I HATE using it; it’s for emergencies ONLY. And with the student health insurance that only covers 80% (which was a blessing because I had no other way to have health insurance), and all of my health issues this year, I racked up tons of medical bills that I had to charge because I didn’t have the money to pay for them. Then, I went to Africa for a missions trip and had to unexpectedly dish out about $1,500 out of pocket at the last minute, so my card is at a much higher debt amount than I EVER expected or wanted it to be. So right now, I’m OVERLY happy to be able to work and pay it off, and to try and pay off some of my school debt… so I can get more of that to finish my Bachelor’s degree haha. But seriously, I also believe the Lord doesn't want me to enter marriage with loads of debt. So, all of this is good. And I mean, GOOD.
The Lord also reminded me that I'm not in Virginia Beach only to be a student at Regent. I'm here as a testimony to having the young adult friends in my life I prayed two years for, ministry opportunities, the leadership I've been stepping into in church, the ranch that God used to fulfill my dream of riding horses, along with a few other life impacting reasons. I've been sensing that He has more in store for me in this upcoming year; so much more that I couldn't take part in all of the treasures of heaven if I was in school this year. So, to say the least, I've been prepared for transition towards the end of 2008.
Here’s context of what I was dealing with before I got the news of my Gram's death…
Since I’m not taking classes this year, I can’t stay in on-campus housing (didn’t want to, anyway). I filled out a vacate notice and needed to be out by September 1st. Since I felt God leading me to be alone for another short season, I needed to find an apartment. Since I’m living on my own, I needed a full-time job to pay rent and bills. At this point, I’d applied for about 12 different jobs in the past two weeks with no response. My hope was to work full-time at Regent (because I LOVE this University), CBN or Founders Inn so I could get tuition reimbursement and go back to school next year (unless God brings a miracle, that’s the only thing that’s going to pay for the rest of my schooling). I was getting frustrated because the jobs that are going to pay for my expenses to live alone in this area all require a Bachelor’s degree… and I’m like, “uhh, I’m trying to get there! I’m 23 and I’ve only been working on my Bachelor’s for the past five years…” So, I was getting discouraged thinking I’m going to get a low paying job that won’t cover all my monthly expenses, and that I’ll continue this 5-yr cycle of not being able to finish my degree because I don’t have the money… I finally just got to the point where I’m like “Lord, will I EVER get a break?!” I started feeling much like those righteous people who suffer and watch the wicked prosper that the Bible talks to much about. Thankfully, it reminded me that those wicked people who prosper financially are chasing the wind because in the end, none of it matters because they won’t spend eternity with Jesus. At least I was comforted knowing that my Savior is walking through this with me and because I know Him He will provide for my needs, some way, some how.
So, at this point, I was getting a little concerned because I had less than a month to get a full time job and find a place to live. But I’m working full-time at the ranch until the last week of August (when camp season ends) b/c I needed SOME kind of income to hold me over until I get a job, so I only have the evenings to do all of my job and apartment hunting, along with packing up my current apartment. So, the weariness and frustrations were kicking in big time.
Then, Tuesday night, August 5th my dad called me crying and told me my Gram died. She had Parkinson’s, and was progressively getting worse this past year. Her death was somewhat expected, but I guess I never thought it would happen this soon. She was only 78. After Dad and I hung up, I was frozen for 15 minutes. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, and had no idea where I was (it’s a good thing I was in my room near my chair). This is the first death in my family I’ve ever experienced, so I’m still processing this death thing. I kept replaying the intimate conversations I’ve had with my Gram this past year, about life, the Lord, the future, etc. To give you an idea of how close she and I grew over the past few years, this past Christmas, when she was still bed-ridden at home, she asked me tons of questions about the Lord and was very complacent about the fact that she didn’t understand why she was suffering and God was okay with it. (She went to church all her life, read her Bible every day, and was developing a much closer relationship with God her last few years) We talked about all of it for a good hour and a half, and then I prayed with her. She kept telling me how inspired by me she is, and how proud of me she is. She never forgot to tell me how much she loved me—that I’d never had a clue how much she loves me—and just how darn proud of me she’s always been. I never walked away from her questioning my value to her, and it made me feel so good. And she was so excited I went to college, and always told me she prayed she’d make it to see my graduation. When that day comes one day, you'll understand why the tears will be flowing.
The Holy Spirit told me immediately my Dad needed me (he is single and lives alone, although my grampa lives across the street), so I packed up right away and drove the 8 hours home to PA the following morning. After I packed the car and got ready to leave in the morning, I prayed for my trip home, that I’d have the strength to make the drive alone without breaking down while driving (that could be dangerous). I had a few tears shed, but nothing that kept me from driving safely. So I got home, and um the Holy Spirit was right; Daddy was a mess, and he had to make all the funeral arrangements. I didn’t leave his side the entire time. We scheduled the viewing/funeral arrangements together, went to pick out flowers from the entire family, scheduled the funeral meal, and found places to house family from out of state. It was one of the hardest and busiest times of my life. I lost a lot of physical and emotional energy fast, along with more money I didn’t have (there wasn’t enough to cover all of the flower/food/housing expenses) , and was still concerned about and praying for my other circumstances in Virginia Beach. But my main prayer was to have supernatural strength to be there for my unsaved family, (while grieving myself) and to have opportunity to share God’s love with the rest of the family. They needed Jesus and me, and I was going to do whatever it took to be there for them. By far, in much abundance, my prayer was answered. While it was difficult week, I felt the prayers of many for me and my family, and I watched God weeding out unbelief in my family—about eternity, Jesus, and the entire Christian life. I had the opportunity to answer many questions my family asked about God and life, and shared the Gospel with them. What a privilege… Gram would have loved to know that God brought good out of her death.
Inbetween all the arrangements for Gram’s funeral, I was applying for full-time jobs online. Since I didn’t have time to do it before I left, I brought my laptop to transport my resume to my flash drive so I could send it online on my mom’s computer. Right after I turned to put the flash drive in her computer, her dog jumped on my computer and busted the entire keyboard. Keys were flying everywhere and tons of little pieces were missing. I’m not one to freak out in situations like that, and I didn’t, but that was just the icing on the cake… the last thing I needed while the rest of my life was all out of order… Mom and I picked up all the pieces, I took it to a computer wizard my dad knows, who told me my laptop was fine but I needed to purchase a new keyboard for it. By now, you have to understand I was really beginning to feel like Job, like everything I had was being taken from me (even though I knew there was another plan. I’d never experienced THIS much material and physical loss at one time so I was extremely overwhelmed) so I remember thinking “Great, one more thing to add to the list. More money I need to dish out that I don’t have…” In the end, this has all taught me a great lesson (more on that later), but in the moment I just had it. I was over it. I was beyond ready for God to come through any day…
It doesn’t help that my heart always breaks for the lack of finances in my family. It’s a struggle for them to even eat, let alone pay the mortgage and for gas to get to work. They don’t get to enjoy the things I have as a woman, like getting our hair done every once in a while, getting a manicure, or enjoying a nice meal at a restaurant. So every time I go back, I find myself pouring out what I have just to let them enjoy life a little, and get their minds off of the financial burdens. It kills me to see them struggle so much, especially when both my parents are disabled, and don’t receive enough money from the state to cover their needs. Living in a 2 stop light town doesn't give you much opportunity to make decent money, and it's hard to pick up and move without money... So when something as huge as a death in the family occurs, the financial necessity to cover burial/funeral arrangements takes a toll even more. This is only the beginning of their financial hardships though; there has been a financial curse on my entire family for generations that needs to be broken, so I’ve been interceding in prayer. Now I just wait to see God work the details out. He’ll do it, but I know He’s pressing them to BELIEVE He can and will do it. They have a part in God's plan, too.
So, after going through Gram’s house and cleaning it all out, Grampa told my sister and I that Gram had boxed up tons of her things for us to split evenly. It was exhausting and emotionally draining going through all of her stuff in a few days and packing it up, but it really was a blessing in disquise. I inherited brand new queen size bedding (I have a queen bed) with expensive pillows, brand new towels, all of her pans and dishes (she was an amazing cook and baker), clothes, cosmetics, soaps, lotions, etc., even cute flannels that fit me perfectly that I can wear in the winter at the ranch. I came back to Virginia Beach with a car packed full of stuff, and that’s only the first load. Of course, since I started packing my apartment in preparation to move, I have boxes stacked up in my room already, so when I brought her things in, it left me with a nice little path to my bed ;)
Well, that’s the story of my life in the past two weeks… to those of you who said God laid me on your heart, I think now you understand why ;)
More on the exciting journey ahead…
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